the waitress

so this is how it feels like.

if i was handed a glass right now. this is what i'll do with it - without a doubt.

have been away for the last couple of weeks. been working.

its all good. 

you see all kinds of people;

some decent, but not all.

but its nice to be in this situation.

theres so much to learn.

every yell and every word sputtered;

theres always something ready to be extracted underneath all that wool.

am i happy?

indeed.

this is something that no amount of education could prepare you for.

maybe to a certain degree it does - perhaps.

how exciting!

people - hello!

sick

thank you lisa. =)

Placebo

there's a short row of names.
everyone's in it except you.
how much you meant in someone's life,
does that row signifies something?
pretending that it's just you and your mind.
you know and you just have to accept it.
it's as simple as that.
so what are you still waiting for?

evoke

at times like this, i realize that my mind is a lot stronger than my heart.

somehow i know.

walk

the problem with me is that i tend to overthink. no matter how much i try to avoid it, i will soon end up making back the same mistake before i can ask why. 

recently, this ridiculous habit finally took its toll and i had to pay a very painful cost. how much i wished that i could turn back time and lock myself in a room so that i wouldnt be able to do that damage. 

i wouldnt exactly say that i completely regret of the things that had happened. of course i am dissapointed at myself at the result of my habit, but then again, if i didnt make that mistake, i wouldve probably not realized how destructive to relationships it could be. 

trusting someone had never been easy. thoughout the years, i had always kept a distance from everyone i know. no matter how close we are. i hate myself for it. trust me. i really do. but then ive always thought that it doesnt matter much for its not like its hurting people around me. how wrong i was. 

for the past week, i 'forced' myself to just quit thinking and learn to trust and accept. but then in the end i couldnt take it anymore as it just wasnt me to not 'over-rationalise'. right now, im still paying the price for it. after all that has been said and done, i know that i can never undo that mistake that i did. all i can hope for is that i dont do anymore further damage to what seems to be already partially broken. i really cant afford to lose anymore than i already have. 

the more i get to know other people, the more i realize how ignorant i had been all these years. how narrow minded i was. how silly my thoughts were. i still do stand up for what i believe is right. but i need to give myself the time to really analyze if it IS truly right. and not get buried alive in the gravel of self-rightousness. its silly. 

im just holding on to the phrase: "time will heal all wounds". i just pray that it isnt too deep to the point of just a painful scar of my mistakes.

we are the water bearers

this whole feeling of independence

it pours in

smashing down walls of self-doubts

it drowns all fears

fear of loneliness

fear of sadness

fear of unhappiness

its liberating!

for the past couple of months, i had been so blinded by the current confusion in front of my eyes that ive forgotten about the essence that helped me survive till this day. it's time i brought them out of their cases. i miss this feeling. 

this feeling of being fearless. 

this feeling of taking risks.

this feeling of not stepping down without a fight.

this feeling of knowing that we dont foster weakness.

i miss the old me. ive been away from myself for far too long now. 

how much ive missed this warm embrace.

Saya Dibubuhi Tanda

1. The person who last tag you is: Fui Yin.

2. Your relationship with him/her is: Chilli-tuna-eating-in-math-class-at-14 classmate (for five years)... as classmates, not the tuna eating.

3. Your five impression of him/her: Sporty, Diligent, Persistent, Debater, Intelligent.

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you: Brought 'beng pei' mooncake from home coz i liked them so much. T.T

5. The most memorable thing he/she had said to you: Everytime she starts of her sentence with: "Ei Karen! Your kuan yin ma ar!!!" Whenever she's mad at her, she looks at me as if I'm actually related to this Goddess. T.T (Well IT IS memorable).

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will: Tell her that my impression towards lesbians went sour after Mdm Xin Fu. *shivers*

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be: To stop relating me with kuan yin ma. Though I know we look freakily alike in our Form 1 class photo. (You don't er chui lor fui yin. Don't think I don't know that you'll go and dig back our yearbook and laugh at it. T_______T).

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will: Convince her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father knows someone who owns the whole arsenal team.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be: Confess to her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father doesn't really knows anyone that owns the whole arsenal team.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is: Pick her up from her uni so that we could do some catching up. It's been more than 2 years already. T.T

11. Your overall impression of him/her is: Football fanatic. (I know it's not exactly the most personal thing to say, but that's to prove my point of us REALLY having to catch up!).

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! no... seriously.

13. The characters you love of yourself are: Independent, Curious, Opinionated.

14. On the contrary, the characters you hate of yourself are: Procrastination.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is: Multilinguist.

16. For people that care and like you, say something to them: You really like me? Thanks! Here, have some candies! Seriously, for those who care for me, you'll know that i feel the same for them just as well. =) You still want some candies?

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you:

• Chanz
• Derick
• Hiro
• Katrina
• Lee Yi
• Leo
• Leong
• Rave
• Sadikin
• Wen Lhi

*Updated*

18. Who is no.6 having a relationship with? (Leo):

No one at the mo. I think.

19. Is no.9 a male or female? (Sadikin):

A little bit of both. Hohoho.. Dont worry. Sadikin is a full-fledged male.

20. If no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing? (Leong and Wen Lhi):

CAN!!! ish ish ish.. Both also so er chui. Eh wait. But wen lhi is already taken so.. 

21. What is no.2 studying about? (Derick):

Making triangle shaped buildings. Architecture Science.

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.6? (Leo):

Erm.. Sunday? Which is bout 3 days ago.

23. What kind of music band no.8 likes? (Rave):

Thai and Cantopop. HAHAHA!!! (p/s: true story).

24. Does no.1 has any siblings? (Chanz):

One jie jie and one mei mei. Kaaaaaaaa....... =D

25. Will you woo no.3? (Hiro):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

26. How about no.7? (Leong):

Erm... Unfortunately he's already off limits.

27. Is no.4 single? (Katrina):

Does being in love with yourself counts as being in a relationship?

28. What is the surname of no.5? (Lee Yi):

Ah Lai. She has the best surname you can bully for a chinese. Hohoho..

29. What's the hobby of no.10? (Wen Lhi):

Being a sexpot, reading manga, day-dreaming, swimming, being an ever er-chuier sexpot.

30. Does no. 4 and 9 get along? (Katrina and Sadikin):

Yezzu yezzu.

31. Where is no.2 studying at? (Derick):

Limkokwing.

32. Talking something casually about no.1 (Chanz):

We love, hate, annoy, and yet need each other. It's a freaky symbiosis.

33. Where does no.9 lives at? (Sadikin):

Cyberia. The room beside the bathroom with funky lights.

34. What colour does no.5 likes? (Lee Yi):

Pink.

35. Are no.5 and no.1 best friends? (Chanz and Lee Yi):

They do know each other. They do plan pretty awesome birthdays which usually consists of Victor in a black garbage bag outside hotel rooms.

36. Does no.1 has any pets? (Chanz):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

37. Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world? (Leong):

*shifty eyes*

38. What is no.6 doing now? (Leo):

Catwalking around Nexus with a swollen eye and long face. And working.

Self-control

Control.

It's all bout control.

Then it'll be ok.

Beachcomber

A couple of months back I happened to come across a piece of seashell on the beach. I was immediately awed by its beauty even while standing on the sandy ground under the hot sun. I turned it to the left, then a little to the right, and back again to the left, it gleamed like a piece of precious stone in my palm.

I kept it in a box. It was my little secret. Long have I wanted to string it into a necklace but then there were the constant doubts of whether it should be worn like a piece of accessory. I wasn't sure if it was right for me. 

Days came and went just like that, until one day I decided to bring this little shell out of the box. Coincidental perhaps, but it managed to ward off some bad stuff that day. That night, I gazed at it admiringly for its make-believe mystical power. 

Next thing in the morning I will string it and wear it proudly for all to see! But little did I know that for the past months of this little habitat of a once living creature, had turned fragile after being away from the sea water for far too long. 

I was the happiest kid in town. Silly perhaps, but definitely on cloud nine with that piece of shell. I believed that with it, I no longer had to feel afraid of the evil powers around. I was safe. I felt protected. How delirious I was. 

After exactly a week, as I was blowing away imaginary specks of dust on it, I accidentally puffed a little too strong and it fell from my hands onto the cold tiles. It was smashed to smithereens. I wasn't prepared to lose it yet. I had only worn it for a week. It was too soon. Far too soon. I wanted it back. I wished I didn't try to clean it. Perhaps then it wouldn't have fallen onto the ground. At least I would still have it in my palms now. 

How much tears I have shed over that piece of shell I have no idea. All I knew was that I just wanted it back really badly. So much so that I was too paranoid to leave the house without it. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. Like I was going to be blown up by some wizard out of the corner or something. 

I tried to glue it back. But then I only made it worst. 

I looked at that piece of shell. At the mess I have turned it into. 

Was it still salvageable? I really don't know. Hopefully.

That night, I dreamt that I was back at that beach. The sun was still there baking everything it could reach with its beams. It was exactly the time when I first found that shell. Then I realized something. As I was walking nearer towards it, I was in fact stepping over and crushing other sea shells as well. There was a whole beach filled with them! From clam shells to sand dollars. 

As I woke up, I realized that the little piece of shell that I found was not the only one there is. 

I opened up the wooden box and looked at the damage that I've done earlier. Regretful I was. But I knew I shouldn't be too sad over it. Though shattered, I don't think I could bring myself to put it into the bin. It was afterall the very first piece that made me believe in magic all over again.

aqualung

Need to know 
I don't wanna know 
Already know 
I've seen the signs 
I watch you as you pull yourself away from me 

Can't believe 
I wanna believe 
How can i believe 
You're making me doubt 
I thought i knew you 
I don't even know myself 

I'm losing faith 
I'm losing all faith 

I wanna fight 
Afraid to fight 
Why don't i fight 
And make you see 
I hold my breath 
And disappear inside myself 

I'm losing strength, i'm losing all strength 

Don't ask me to start 
Ask me to start 
Just don't ask me to start again 
Start again 

I'm losing you

has been

i should have known from the start that this was all too good to be true. 

how could i have been so blind to it?

avoiding was only going to make things worse.

i really should have known better.

one day, 

the dust has to settle.

all i really want is to be happy.

just happy.

and contented.

that's just life

this feeling that is flowing in me right now is only all too familiar, and yet till this day i still couldnt find any words that could comprehend this raw sensation.

i told a friend something that i shouldve said a long time ago. throughout the months, the words just kept accumulating like sacred little rosary beads at the tip of my tongue, and yet i always managed to dry swallow them back inside when the moment comes. the once cold, hard pearly drops always manage to turn warm after being nestled for a little too long in the heat of my mouth. 

it happened this evening after i ran into the house from the pouring rain and came home to your messages. there was no use of keeping it in any longer.

they all flowed out like a pink-silverish stream of unguarded spirits out in the open. in a way im really glad that i did it. im glad that i told him that im not going to continue standing for this anymore. its not something that he could easily discard like how he did to the others. im not just some punchbag which you could throw a few blows at when youre pissed. i come with dignity. try giving a little respect.

theres no need for your reasons as they are just empty words to me. you shouldve thought about it before you did anything. the excuse about it being your habit has being used for one too many times. you dont have to apologize. and neither do i owe you an apology for not giving you yet another chance. what has been done cant be changed. we just have to move on with our lives and hopefully learn something from it. 

take care, my friend.

this guy makes my brain looks like it took a year's supply of laxatives.

mi, i think i lao sai-ed.. again.

i was going to write about something that made me really upset earlier today. then as i turned on a song so that i wouldnt have to type out this post in the silence, my ears started to pick up the lyrics of the song and i thought to myself, "is it worth wasting your time writing about some selfish person? its a waste of blog space! get a life!"

so here i am, putting this down to remind my friends who have been affected by this unnecessary drama for the past month plus. seriously people, just get a life!

he's going to be like this for as long as he wants to. theres really nothing that we could do. and nothing that we should be doing! so lets just do ourselves a favour and let him be. stop lying on the road and hiring a monster truck to run over our bodies 123897123142 times already!

people are gonna continue seeing him as an innocent fella.

people are gonna continue to believe that he is a nice person deep down inside.

people are gonna continue thinking that he REALLY is THAT simple.

this list will never end. but the most important thing is...

so what?

seriously. so what if hes a major anal case and still theyre gonna be people who buys into his shit?

seeing him miserable isnt gonna make us any happier.. for long. maybe for a while yea we'll be so effing liberated! but then another few months down the road and theres gonna be another anal case shoving him/herself up our bowel systems and causing more brain diarrhoea. theres a whole clan of this anal cases. theyre just never gonna stop reproducing. so we'll just have to live with the fact that theyre always gonna be around... somewhere!

its funny how one song can just... clear my head so thoroughly. hahahahahhahahaha...

have a nice day people! i know i will. =)

p/s: it's weezer's pork and beans. ;-)

pp/s: Acute diarrhea is a common cause of death in developing countries... In many cases of diarrhea, replacing lost fluid and salts is the only treatment needed. (wikipedia, 2008) SEE!!! even wikipedia agrees with me that these people kills us if only choose not to replace them with erm say... happier thoughts?

when you have a weekend to yourself with ah lai

have been recently down with the flu. makes me at the number one on the tree-huggers hit list. T___T

suddenly im missing my primary and high school friends so much. (read: ros, lisa, chanz). the times where the only thing we had to worry about was how to beat the other houses during sports day. boohoo...

on a lighter note however, things hadnt been a completely smooth ride. but thats alright, i know i'll get through it with probably some slight scratches and bruises here and there to say the least *pats self*

erm.. yea so im happy and still kicking!

thats all folks.

p/s: sorry for the random and short post. but will tire you guys with a longer and hopefully non-morbid post the next time when assignments are not up to my arsehulll.

have a great weekend! :-*

please pardon the one on the left.  your left not mine.

Alanis Morissette - You Learn

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

when i first saw you

i think it's funny how some people choose to live a life of hypocrisy. is it so hard to just let the truth out? or perhaps just tell a person what you really think, instead of talking one thing and acting another.

and the funniest is when a person is not even put in that position in the first place, but then 'volunterily' put themselves into that situation and pretend to be all into it. i dont know whether to feel sad for them for stooping so low and bringing the term 'pathetic' to a whole new level, or just pass them off as being... well, simply funny?

this life and the people living in it sure never ceases to amaze me.

=)

cold mornings

sleep deprivation and nicotine is not good they say.

i run my fingers along the row of books.

one.

two.

three.

i miss the feeling of rolling words on my tongue. blunt. crisp. its all too familiar.

its cold. so cold. but i refuse to give in. id rather just put on the green sweater. a weird mixture of detergent and fabric softener. your scent is no longer there.

sometimes i regret for washing it. but it was too painful to leave it lingering. i know how stubborn and bad i am when it comes to nostalgic things like this. i want to store all that reminds me of you in a dusty shoe box. i do. badly. but i know its harmful. it wont make a difference. you wont be coming back. youre there while im still here. as we know it. life.

i miss waking up to your quiet breathings. but you were never at peace. not even in your sleep. there was always a worried face. waking up by your side always reminds me of the dreamcatcher in my bedroom. what is in your head? the boogeyman? or those lonely christmas we promised would never come again?

but we both knew. we were never good with keeping promises. how much ive missed you.

how much longer?

so much had happened in this short period of time. at times i really wish that i could just give up on all this. just turn my back on all this. just pack up and leave.

no matter how much i try to just shut my eyes and ears on all that is going on, its almost impossible. i cant stand there and just see people i care about getting hurt this way. i hate being in this kind of situations. i hate knowing anything. i hate being there but wishing that i werent. i hate that im not strong enough to say that enough is enough.

sometimes i would rather choose to be selfish. then perhaps i wouldnt be in this situation.

i did try. i really did. i tried to shut my ears but the knocks on the door is just too much at times. no matter how long the songs are playing it still cant completely drown those knocks. then i hear it getting softer. so faint that i have to strain my ears to make sure if its still there. it is. its faint but its existence is too visible to be ignored.

its scary to think how ones irresponsible decision could cause so much chaos amongst their friends. its strong enough to even bring strain among the strongest of bonds.

after that night when i realized that theres only so much one can do to help, i thought that things would start to look up. but then it hasnt. apparently some people just dont get it.

as i was looking at the rolled up paper burn my troubled mind away, i realized that perhaps its time to stop. call me selfish, but i need to watch out for myself just like what the others are doing. theres no point getting hurt for nothing. there really isnt any logic in that. and i dont think its really worth all those sleepless nights.

i just hope that im doing the right thing. perhaps this is whats best for me and my sanity.

hop bunny hop!

im so pissed that im literally lost for words! how do i put this down? its as if im fucking pissed and yet im pissed at myself for even feeling pissed! seriously i have to stop being so immature at times. but then that swig which burned my throat on its way down told me that it was okay to hate people sometimes. it was like the little brown bunny. im just following it back into its little hiding where people splash each other with sins and smoked on unfiltered cigarettes. it all looks so lovely from up here. maybe i'll just take a quick peek and leave. just a really quick one. count to ten and i'll be out of there!

one.. two.. three.. four.. five.. six.. seven.. eight.. nine.. ten.. eleven.. twelve.. thirteen lil bunnies.. fourteen lil bunnies.. fiften lil bunni....

i knew that i should never be trusted around them brown bunnies.

Something Inside

a couple of weeks back as I was on the bus back to segamat, i was looking out the window since my eyes and brain refused to give in even for 30mins. as the journey drew nearer to the end, things began to look more familiar - the chinese medical hall uncle who used to give me a lolly everytime dad brought me there to get some cough syrup on our trip up to kl, the police station which I used to wonder if there were really officers on duty inside since the gate was always locked, the road which I fell asleep during one of my first few driving lessons and nearly drove right into a palm plantation.

i thought back about how i used to anticipate those trips to aunt fay's place - meaning another weekend away from the family. it reminds me of how i used to carry myself before and now. i was a different person back then. i was the kid who always had the need to seek approval from the others. not my peers, but the elders. there was always an annoying thing about me who always had to prove myself to the adults. like i was some kinda prodigy or something. i fed and grew fat from those praises. i was like a kid who took spoonfuls of these honey and store them all in a a dusty old shoe box hidden under my bed - there were for my emergencies. everytime something goes wrong, i just take one of these spoons and lick off some honey. every flick of the tongue sends an orchestra of angels singing hymn in my head. it kept me fat. it kept me sane.

as i grew older, people come around to tell me that i could write well - academically; just for pleasure.

"i wish i could write like you!"

but what's there to be envious about? perhaps by a stroke of luck i did manage to get my word vomit out in a more 'appealing' manner. but how long does that last? why do you think i rarely blog these days? isnt it obvious enough that im no clarence day?

all these words i have in my head are like trails of rainbows. people follow it in hoping that there will be a pot of gold in the end; to find something extraordinary and genius. how dissapointed they will be. maybe thats why i write so little now. im afraid to dissapoint. im not ready to accept the looks im going to get when these people reach the end of that rainbow where there isnt any gold. maybe thats why i path the trail so slowly. hoping that the trail will not end anytime soon - so they wont see the mountain of painted gravel.

it feels like all i have are just a handful of gravel - painted with the leftover paints discarded by the minds of others - the true artists.

im lacking of colours and paints.

even gravel these days.

The Day I Met Andy

As I sat down at the balcony and lean against the weathered pillow, I began to realize how much I was going to miss this moment of solutide which I always looked forward to after a bad day. Together with some of the withering plants, it is the place which has brought some of the most memorable days to me. Just like when before she left, many nights had we hung out together there. Taking in the breezy air along with the sound of people downstairs either just chilling by the pool side or being dared to jump into the chlorinated water.

We'll be moving out tomorrow, stopping by occasionally to pick up whatever that we had left behind; books that were left for months unread on the shelves, shoes that had long been unworn, untouched decorative pieces, things like that. I'm going to miss coming back to this place which had been my little peaceful haven for more than a decade. The place where I always look forward to every month ever since I was back in my times table-memorizing days. The place where I know I'll always be a part of. The place where I know I could always run to after a heated argument with the parents back home.

This house had seen me through so many chapters of my life. Like the night before my Asean scholarship entry exam, followed by the interview some weeks later. The day when I was looking forward to our first date together to the summer splash party back in '06. The nights where I was so frustrated doing my assignment of the St.Basil collage. When I cried over the phone to Lisa and the relief to know that I'll always have this friend by my side no matter how badly I've screwed up. And when I went straight to the comp the moment I reached home to blog about the two-hour queue for tickets to Muse.

Tonight was slightly different though. For the first time the little balcony gave me some serenity and peace in a more optimistic manner. It did not make me dwell in the sadness of having to leave this place after so many years of comfort. It did not console by letting me know that it is okay to want to feel sad and depressed. Tonight, it gave me a sense of hope and a small touch of happiness. It made me realize how many fireworks that had been litted and sparked off in the dark sky to celebrate everyones' lives here till this very day and how I've missed out on most of those joyous occasions. It reminded me that it is not the house that gave me that sense of belonging and being loved unconditionally but the people who lived in it. It taught me to appreciate every single moment I still have to be with the people I love. And for the first time, it actually made me step back into the house with a smile. =)

Thank you for bringing a special person to walk into my life today for it is from him that I realized that there is still a spark of faith I had in Him which I thought had long been put out.

The Untalkative Bunny

How is it that people could bring themselves to imitate others directly and unshamefully, this i definitely could not bring myself to understand. I know that whole "highest form of flattery" reasoning and all but still... seriously! these people just never stop cracking me up. Reminds me of this line from Crank Dat:

"...Nope, You can't do it like me

Hoe, So don't do it like me

Folk, I see you tryna do it like me

Man that shit was ugly!..."

-Soulja Boy-

And here's one my favourite pictures captured in Penang from our backpacking trip.

Have a great week people! =D

Just Another Soldier on the Road to Nowhere

It's funny how a few hours of difference could put your emotions in a 180degrees spin. A couple of hours after the last post, I couldn't seem to fall off to sleep so decided to just hit the gym and hopefully get tired out so that I could go to bed. Turns out that I was feeling even more refreshed so I took the opportunity to call up two people to wish them Happy Fathers Day. Turns out that both didn't pick up their phone. But one of them replied and it wasn't good news. What began as a funny and poking message then turned into something mind shattering.

It was one of those news that I was just too stunned to even react to it. I only started to feel again after I called her up because I really needed someone to talk to after that message. I really didn't know what to say. All I did was just sob into the receiver. The painful kind. Where every sob seems to be sucking a huge amount of air from your lungs.

I don't know. It's been such a long time since I had to come across this again. I've had three relatives passed away in such a short period of time; and immensely small gap between each years. Perhaps this time it's not as serious as I think it is. But that's an even scarier thought. Because everytime I'm being told that it's not as bad as I think, that's when I get doused with cold water after that been said. I hate this feeling. I hate it that I'm crying over this. I hate that I can't do anything at this point. I hate being so stupid as to hope that all hard feelings could be put aside at times like these. I hate feeling so helpless and crippled and all I could do is just to get down on my knees and pray to whoevers listening to take this pain away. I hate being so weak up to the point that I have to write this down to hopefully clear it out of my mind for the time being.

I really can't continue with what or how I had intended to write this, on how I thought I had to recollect my thoughts and stop crying. I hate being this weak when it comes to situations like this. Perhaps I should lie down now.

I am going to bed happy =)

I swear that chatting with random people on msn during sleepless nights are so invigorating!

karen says:
hey lemme ask you something!

karen says:
what do you think is the worst thing a girl could do?

Jun Jie says:
hmmm..

Jun Jie says:
reject a guy's proposal to make love?

karen says:
hahahahhahhaaahhahahhaahhahaha

karen says:
whatttttttttt???!!

karen says:
why?

Jun Jie says:
lol hahaha

Jun Jie says:
im just saying la

Jun Jie says:
thats quite potong steam too lol

karen says:
HAHAHAHA!!!!

Jun Jie says:
lol thats something that came into my mind haha

karen says:
okay then now lemme ask you another question!

karen says:
urm...

karen says:
what/who would you bring if you were stuck in a shopping centre which is having a 70% sales? (name 5)

Jun Jie says:
cash?

Jun Jie says:
credit card lol

Jun Jie says:
i prefer shopping alone

karen says:
whattt??!!! youre so boring!

karen says:
why isnt my name in that list huh???

Jun Jie says:
you so bising

Jun Jie says:
hehe

karen says:
say that again!

karen says:
okay wait i take that back

karen says:
before you REALLY say that again

karen says:
and i shall now bestow upon you the third question!

karen says:
if there is one place in the world you could be (for below rm1500), where would you be? and what junk food will you stash in your along in your bag?

Jun Jie says:
i think i just pull a piece of the wall out zzz

Jun Jie says:
you mean my budget is 1500?

karen says:
yes

karen says:
what??!! you eat walls for snacks?!! is that why youre so stick thin??? zzz

Jun Jie says:
i damn strong lor can do that haha

Jun Jie says:
err..

Jun Jie says:
malacca =)

Jun Jie says:
1500 more to spend~

karen says:
why are you so boooooooooooooooooooringggggg???

karen says:
youre hopeless lar you know?

Jun Jie says:
1500 how to spend at japan wor?

karen says:
*whispers* budak lala yang suka pergi jepun..

okay after that it just went out of control already. and now i'm officially sleepy therefore i shall bid you all good night~ :-*

Another Short Post

Q: What do you do when you have a webcam but hardly use it besides camming with the family?

A: Get an equally retarded friend who's as crazy about camwhoring and doing redundant things over the camera as you and is not worried about looking stoooooooopid!

Presenting... LEONARDEZ!!!

He looks like a total kiddo here after his haircut that I really had to take a picture of him ><

Our second attempt at acting cute but ended up with him being distracted by his pita
-_________-

p/s: I know that the pictures doesn't really do us much justice and the fact that it was taken with a camera is even lagi stupid. Was supposed to use printscreen but then the file will be too big for me to send it over to him and it wil take a million years to load. I wished I had taken the pictures of us being a terrorist and a ninja and a samurai and Siti Nurhaliza and Tina Toon but we were laughing our asses off that neither of us remembered to capture them. T_________________T

Rebellious IMs

Adui.. Just got back from the gym bout two hours ago and msn and my comp decided to gang up on me... again! -____________-

So within the duration of bout 10-15mins when my comp was starting up, I had this plastered on my face the whole time:

Posing for muka pek chek. Sorrylar.. takkan want me to put up my REALLY ugly pek chek face meh?

By the way, I came across this on YouTube and was blown away immediately!

p/s: I would've uploaded the video here but I'm a real noob when it comes to things like this so my apologies okay? *grins uncomfortably*

It's Contagious!

Am I still happy today you ask? YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

In fact, I'm so happy that I've been grinning along with Mr. Wilson the whole day long!

Pre-dawn Happiness

I think I just found a box of happiness. It just came in the mail today.

It's like being in love all over again. <3<3<3

I sound so gay don't I? HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Creative Pieces of the Distorted Mind

I've been having one of those days again. Those days where everything I do, everything I see, everything I pass, is barely noticed. It's like this daze feeling when in fact I'm just stuck in this muse which I can't get out off.

There were those days where I could just snap out of it and just move on with life. Then there are days like these where I just don't know what to do or where to go. Many times in the past years have I had my fair share of both being dissapointed and dissapointing. I hate to admit it but it seems that in the past 2 years, the latter has been more or less a stigma which goes along with the mention of my name.

I don't know which is worse; the thought of being extremely unproductive, or that I can't pull myself out of this. Why is it that whenever I think that this time it's going to be different, I never fail to prove myself wrong. Right now I wished that I could just huddle in a corner and cry my heart out like how I used to. Because then after the tears have dried, I could just move on with life. But now I just can't seem to do that anymore. Not only do I find it almost impossible to tear, but also to just brush off those thoughts and continue walking.

Everytime I turn to my right and stare at the list which I had done to remind myself of the worst that could happen, I only seem to find myself staring aimlessly at the white piece of sheet. These things which was once effective for me to get hold of myself seems to be drifting off further and faster. The harder I stare, the faster the black ink seems to be fading back into the white until all that is left is just the reflection of how out of hand I had allowed things to become.

I wished I could just kneel down, or fall back, or collapse even. Whatever it takes just to make me feel the urgency of all this that is happening. Right now, time is spinning so fast that I couldn't even catch a mere glimpse of the whirlwind I'm in. All I could see and feel is as if I'm in a vacumm. Just waiting till my physical being could no longer stand it and disperse into a million separate particles and be sucked into whatever that is surrounding this timeless space.

An hour had passed since I started this post. I was hoping that I could end this nicely. Maybe put it some optimistic lines to make myself feel better. Like how writing always makes me feel better. But somehow I can't seem to do that this time. How pathetic is it that I couldn't even fake a happy note to finish this up?

am i?

Went to class at 10am today. It was supposed to be a "two chaptered" lecture today. Which holds a lot of logic on why I actually dragged my ass there in the first place. Arrived 30 minutes later and turned out that the lecturer had just arrived as well. Oh well, blessing no.1 so just stay awake and attentive in class then. It's not everyday that you arrive half an hour late and the authoritive figure just stepped in as well. blablabla..

Anyways, before the mid of the class and I was already starting to get restless. "I've googled this topic anyway, so what exactly am i doing here? oh wait... parents' paid for me to be seen in class. okay.. listen karen listen!" Another 5minutes and I seriously felt like I was going to lose it already when kg walked in. There is a God! I seriously can't imagine how I could've survived this morning's class without him beside me! So after a while, Azmir asked if we needed a break, and some girl in front started shaking her head like she was in trance or something (wtf?!!! this woman must have never heard of the day liquor was invented!) so yeah i screamed YES!!! at the top of my lungs, okay maybe not screamed but more of a mental-screaming kind of situation. And FINALLY we got the break and i was talking abit with kg while leeyi went to get some breakfast. OH GOD!!!! i tell you! it's not funny when i say that this is what i need on days like these. it doesn's have to be serious intellectual shit. just talking with someone whom you know (or i would like to believe) is on the same line as you. wait. a cig break. before i pass out on the keyboard. brb.

okay im back. i just realized that im not using the proper punctuations. but wth. okay so here goes. we were talking bout some stuff and i was thinking to myself "i wanna return to this life! i want it so badly! why am i thinking bout what would others think about me? why am i doing this? why am i having this contemplative thoughts? why am i being paranoid within my head? why? why? why?"

i know that people are reading my blog. and i know that these people are those who knew me since the day i was a fat head prefect. yes! i was (actually still am, only with longer locks) fat and a head prefect. i seriously have no idea what am i rambling about or whatever and since its my blog then i shouldnt take a heed of their thoughts right? okay perhaps only when im tipsy. ah~ the beauty of getting wasted with no one at home. the wonderfullness of being alone for the whole effing weekend! btw, i first spelled weekend as weekind, then weekand before i got the thing correct and had the pleasure of informing the readers (if i might say that) with the moving of my right hand on the mouse and click on the italic button. see im telling you that now!

blablabla.. so yea, i talked to him and effa and got some personal mindfucks of whether to go or not to go (i sound like shakespeare now) and then went home in an effing cab which cost me rm15! ah~ the price of clearing of some mindfucks.

and then got home and typed a bit and then read a bit and then napped a bit. and here i am now with creep blaring on the speakers. and passing out once in a while on the type board. type board? okay maybe i'll call it type board now. if youre reading till here you might not want to continue since its gonna consist of mindless rambles.

hahaha.. i just had a thought. my homies are reading this! not exactly friends and not exactly acquantices (did i get that right?) but BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! homies and acquantices! hahahaha.. i crack myself up at times!

i just heard the door slam. maybe someone is home. i have no idea what to write already and yet im still typing since it makes me feel so intellectual by the moment. hahahhahaa... am i funny? yes tell me i am when you see me in uni. wtf?

i signed it with the thought of writing something about how mindfucked uni has been but then i decided to gulp down some liquid before that and look what am i now? i dont think im gonna leave this in the "unposted" archive since ive already have tonnes of that in the waiting-to-be-edited-hence-unposted section so yea im just gonna post this up to remind me of the sweet taste of cold hard liquor. am i going to hell? maybe. im too tipsyfied (?) to bother. so if you wanna stay by my side then heres what you have to deal with when im mindfucked to bits. if not then kindly leave me stranded by the pool, seconds before i drown myself and then wake up a couple of hours later and find myself dead already. i need to go for another cig and then voluntarily pass out on my retro-sheeted bed. night and toodles people.

lots of love,
karen the ukelele playing bandit wtf?!!!

tata.

Desaria is the bomb y'all!!!

Selamat pagi tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekalian. It's 10.58am so kira pagi lar still.

Alright. What happened today was, Cik Karen's bowel decided to go all operation diarrhoea on her and dengan itu, she was stuck clunching her blanket against her tummy for the whole day and having an expression of someone constipating plastered on her face dari pagi lagi. Does that make any sense? Seriously lar. For some reason, I've been feeling extra-stupified for the whole week already. Not exactly being depressed lar, but more of just plain demotivated and unproductive. And I'm seriously worried that this is gonna prolong sampai minggu depan, coz it's already Sunday and I'm feeling more and more like forrest gump as the minutes tick by. -___________-

Therefore, I've came up with this brilliant solution (at your expense!) to overcome this temporary retardo syndrome; which is to do EXTRA mindless things to counter this epidemic that is taking over my week. And also that I so malas to explain to people who has been asking stuff like "so how's your uni? how's the hostel? nice or not?" that kind of questions which NEVER fails to be prompted when you're stuck in a high school reunion kinda thing. I know it's a bit late lar since I've been here for bout two years already... but still at least ada juga in the end right? blablabla.. here's the pics lar.

1. Tempat ku beristirehat setelah sekian lama berburuh di universiti pada siang hari.

2. This is the chair/side table/bag-hanger/sweater-dumper/hand-rest (yes i have weird sleeping positions okay!)/first-thing-i-see-when-i-open-my-eyes-if-im-not-facing-the-wall which has been there by my side (technically) whenever i'm stuck here alone on the weekends. *chokes on tears*

3. Yang berikutnya adalah meja studiku yang aku-bersumpah-bahawa-persepahan-yang-kini-ditampak-tidak-dipentaskan-dengan-sengaja. Aku sememangnya telah bertaubat bagi semester ini untuk belajar dengan bersungguh-sungguh setiap hari... erm minggu.. erm... bulan?

4. Ini pula adalah koleksi cakera padatku yang sentiasa berada di sampingku untuk menemani dan kadang-kala mendodoikan malam-malam yang kian sunyi menyepi~

5. Seterusnya adalah si monyetku yang dicuri dari bilik abangku sebelum aku berpindah ke kuala lumpur. bukan sahaja untuk menemani malam piluku, namun juga untuk sentiasa memperingatkan statusku sebagai seorang pencuri monyet plastik.

Sambung later. Have some stuff to do right now.

selfish

im chatting with a friend on msn. and lashing out on him. hes going through a tough time and i dont seem to be helping much. im frustrated with the way hes doing things. im angry to see him sitting and complaining and doing nothing about it. i cant stand whiners.

what kind of a friend am i? here i am typing about it while hes at the other end confiding. i dont want to listen anymore. i honestly dont. its like the rotten flesh of my once freshly buried sins digging itself out from its grave. its reminding me too much of how i was once. i didnt see some fucking martyr coming to save me out of that ditch i was digging for my own premature burial!

it has stopped bleeping in its hideous orange shade. he might be sensing it as well. sensing my selfishness. sensing my anger. sensing the frustration. sensing all that ugliness emerging.

i hate it when things remind me of my past. i dont want to be reminded of those days when there wasnt anyone around to guide me when i was so lost.

sometimes when i thought i had passed all that and then something like this comes along, it forces me to look back at how far i had gone. or so i thought. everytime i come to dead ends like these, i feel like im being raped by my past. its like being pushed down on the ground and pulled by the hair to face something ugly. something that you dont want to see. no matter how hard you shut your eyes, theres a blinding light which keeps reminding you of the cold hard truth in front of those closed eyelids.

i havent learned anything at all. i have instead allowed what shouldve been taken as a lesson turn me into a selfish monster. maybe thats why i never got around to bury the hatchet.

This is Not Another Depressing Post

Current mood: Proportianately stable
Listening to : OAR - Hey Girl

I didn't want to choke the readers with the depressing posts which I so often blog about and since I'm since I'm mentally stable for the time being, here's some better stuff to kill your lazy afternoons or insomniac nights with lar.

Have been currently on the works of Henry David Thoreau's Walden; or Life in the Woods & On the Duty of Civil Disobedience everytime I get to steal some time in between all the assignments that have been pouring in for the past four weeks and a half. I'm still on the first chapter which talks about economics but so far, it's been nothing short of thought provoking.

It was written in the 19th century and everything that has been put down is beyond my suprise of how it is still being practised till this very day; of how people still get so caught up in the economy cycle that it has played a vital role in civilization of men.

The author is an American philosopher who left everything he had and went to live in the woods by Walden Pond for two years plus as an experiment to see if it is possible to start off with literary nothing at all. From the building of his own settlings to the growing of crops to feed himself, he potrayed how economy actually cripple the souls of men.

In the beginning it did come off as from someone who was a bit of an extremnist who was all out against economy, but as the pages go by, you can't help but to see the logic side of it. Yes, I do admit that before this, I used to think that economy SHOULD be seen as something important in nation building and all that; but what does it all lead to in the end? Doesn't religion tells us that earthly possesions only brings us so far? Does it not say that it's the thing that binds the souls of men from finding eternal peace. How is it that men could find comfort in a palace when they're bound to the thought of having to pay for this fine hole? Is comfort the true and main reason for the "migration" from a simple dirt hole to a larger and more luxurious one? Or is it for the tempting thought of ourselves being above the others? As he quotes Chapman,

"The false society of men -

- for earthly greatness

All heavenly comforts rarifies to air."

Or a simpler and yet still somewhat similiar quote by Will Smith,

"Too many people spend money

they haven't earned, to buy

things they don't want,

to impress people they don't like."

Reading this books and seeing the world around me these days just makes it more depressing. But still, it is one of the most thought provoking book I've read so far so this is definitely one recommended reading. If you're interested in reading this as well, just leave me a message and your email address and i'll send you the pdf file. =)

24,903 Reasons Why I Hate Tuesday's Slot for Moral Studies but Only One Matters:-

Funny how some people stubbornly chose to live in a fantasy in their head rather than to be realistic about life. I'm having the need to rant out my anger somewhere so please bear with me for the next 10 minutes.

I've met a fair share of people from diverse backgrounds and cultures for the past two years of living outside on my own. Somehow uptill now, I still could not understand how is it that they would actually chose to just daydream their youth away. I used to think that it was a form of escapade to RETREAT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE to this fantasy realm. But for these people, this is definitely a far cry from what their intention is. In fact what they do is just LIVE PERMANENTLY in their head. They absolutely LOVE talking about what you can only see in a stupid Taiwanese teen drama; poor but for SOME REASON has a very cosmetic surgery-cally constructed face girl who stands up against the boybandish looking tai zi (rich ass kid whos dad probably owns the whole of Taiwan) who then gets impressed with her guts and fall in love and a whole bunch of tsunamical disasters and drama you could possibly think of in front of them which forbids them from being together and the guy goes against all the family riches he would one day take over of and kneels in front of the girl's mud hut or papan house and for SOME REASON the weather decides to just rain a whole dam's worth of rain and for SOME REASON he doesn't die from pneumonia but instead escapes death with just a flu and pale lips and touches the girl's heart so much that they just hug each other in the middle of the friggin' road! and for SOME REASON they suddenly get to live happily ever after!

Maybe I should just change my Moral Studies class to Thursday instead of Tuesday where the whole room is filled with these people. Not only does it make me feel intellectually challenged, I'm also worried that I might come to class the next day wearing hentai-looking school uniforms and biting my lower lips the whole day with my eyes looking like puss-in-boots from Shrek!

Which is definitely something I should avoid at all costs for I would just end up looking like donkey's failed attempt. +__________+

At times like these...

At times like these, I could only hope that I could understand people better. But everytime I take a step down this path, it only makes me so sad to see things the way they are. At times I wished that I wouldn't be so affected by it... but still, I'm just human. I hate the bugging feeling I get everytime I tell myself that; that I'm just human. It's as if I'm giving myself an excuse to just close one eye whenever I see all that is happening around me.

At times like these, I wished that I could just put down all this earthly possesions and burdens and just move into a different phase. Where things are not too uglily depressing. Everytime I hear that song, it either soothes me up; like a warm caress, or just pull me into deeper into all the despicable things going on.

At times like these, I wished that there was a clear answer to all these things. Like a For Dummies kind of handbook or something; whereby you just have to go through the index to be told on how to handle situations like these.

At times like these, I wished I could choose between being lonely without friends, or being unhappy and surrounded with people who doesn't even care. If things were clearly painted in black and white, then I wouldn't have to be drowned in this pool of greyness. I'm not sure of whether to be glad or not that the housemates have all gone back this weekend. It's good in a way as it allows me to have time to think about the past week without having any disturbances; like a welcoming solitary time. At the same time, I know how destructive this given time slot could be as well.

At times like these, I wished I had just one person to sit down and talk to. As much as I hate to say it, talking to people who just couldn't understand a single thing you're saying is just the same as leading yourself down to the path of suicide. I've been through that before. It wasn't a pretty sight. But at times like these, I have to admit that it still tastes like a very sweet and caressing temptation.

This semester had been pretty good for me. Despite the usual people I hate to be around with, at least it hadn't gotten so bad that I just want to bail and repeat the mistakes I've committed in the past. This time around, it's easier to stay focused and I owe most of that to Gary. If it wasn't for him, I doubt that I would still be hanging to whatever is left to be held on to.

From time to time, I still catch glimpses of that ugly side of me struggling to be released. But with the thought of those who truly cared, I hope that I could someday overcome this once and for all.

On second thought, solitude isn't such an ugly thing after all.

My Starbucks Partner

Current mood: Blue
Listening to: Norah Jones - Don't Know Why

Tomorrow will mark the official "one-week" period of us being away from each other. Your absence finally sank in yesterday. Even more so when I went down to get an idd card. There was this funny, kiddish excitement I had; like waiting for a whole good 12 months till christmas came again. And then when I tried calling that stupid 1-800 number after following the instructions given, for some reason it couldn't be used on a Digi number. Either that or I'm just a blind duck when it comes to reading instructions. =/ I don't know why, but after the fourth and final attempt, there was this whole feeling of sadness seeping in.

It was even worst when I was getting frustrated over the phone when your Shayne Ward song came on mtv. I never was much of a fan of your music selection, but that song reminded me of that night (or morning?) we had in Pavillion; where we sang our lungs out till 3am and then made that stupid video on your mobile phone. Just the mere thought of it is more than enough to make me want to sink in to another bawl fest. =(

That night when you were damn emo at the hotel after my birthday, I was so mad at you for not being able to get over yourself. I said a million stuffs which must have made you want to knock me unconscious on the bathtub. I don't know how to put this into words. Pretty, sweet, fancy lil words which you want to hear. It's just not me. I guess that's why things got awkward as you were nearing to leave. It made me think about so much stuff all at once.

I thought it would be much easier to put this down in writing. Apparently it's just as tough. I don't know why. But seeing you leave felt like a huge... loss? It was more than losing just another Starbuck's kaki. It was like... losing a sister. It saddens me to see you going off as... you. You were so strong yet so weak at the same time. Us being apart from each other. You being there and not having anyone close to talk to. You being there and constantly questioning if you're ever going to be good enough; so easily baring yourself to everyones access. You being the same old you.

I hope you're able to cope well with life there. I wish we had gotten closer way back in high school. I wish we had spent more time together. I wish we didn't waste so much of our time in Starbucks complaining about life. I wish I had been an even better friend when you were so much closer.

I miss you. =(

Words

Funny how things work in life.

Sometimes I feel that words can express how you truly feel, at the same time it could also cover up the person you really are. It's funny how people are so gullible when it comes to words. Perhaps Shakespeare was never really the greatest poet, but the greatest manipulator instead. The way he tricked people from centuries back, even till now, into feeling what he wants them to feel. Every single word is so beautifully formed and arranged that we just couldn't help but fall hard and deep for it.

It may sound irrelavant but still... I think it's funny how things work in life.

Dark Nights

The cpu is making this whirring sound non-stop. Even the seemingly muffled noise was more than enough to break the silence of the dining room. I could hardly remember how annoyed I used to get with it. Somethings have been so long since we had last done it that every little thing could surprisingly seem like a whole new fresh memory ready to be imbedded in; all over again. Just like yesterday.

It has been quite a while since I could remember the taste of bitterness mixed with a tinge of a lemon's sourness. It's like rubbing salt on wounds. It doesn't matter how long it has been. As long as it hasn't healed well, it still exposes itself to chances of being infected; all over again.

It was sometime around three something when it took place. I remember being in the dark room hearing Katrina's alarm clock going off when the buzz came in. It was already 4am. It was so surreal and there was just no way to stop the overwhelming take over of any sanity left.

I screamed so hard that I woke up with a terrible sore throat and voice which resembled something of Macy Gray's. I cried so hard that I could've easily lost all the water weight I had ever gained. I sang so loud that I could easily drown the morning prayers from the nearby mosque. And worst of all, I poured out so much internal confusion to Dad that it made him listen with no sarcastic comebacks for the first time.

It was an awkward moment. It build up tension that had been long gone along the tired ride home. Home. I miss that. I may be already here for a while, but I still missed what we used to have. Maybe not everything. Not how I used to see Dad the same way when I was still a child. Not how I used to see his path to destruction brought so much pain to Mom. Not how I used to stay awake till Korkor returned from outside after everyone had slept from so much tears so that he did not have to face any of it. Not how I thought I had to protect Katrina when in fact she was still too young to understand a single thing. Not how I saw everything as something I swore myself against.

Now the further I go, the more I see myself like my Dad.

The further I go, the more I realize how big the hole i had dug since a child had already become.

The further I go, the more I realize the amount of things I've already lost grasp of.

The further I go, the more I realize that I'm actually still at the same position I was when standing outside my parents bedroom door.