At times like these...

At times like these, I could only hope that I could understand people better. But everytime I take a step down this path, it only makes me so sad to see things the way they are. At times I wished that I wouldn't be so affected by it... but still, I'm just human. I hate the bugging feeling I get everytime I tell myself that; that I'm just human. It's as if I'm giving myself an excuse to just close one eye whenever I see all that is happening around me.

At times like these, I wished that I could just put down all this earthly possesions and burdens and just move into a different phase. Where things are not too uglily depressing. Everytime I hear that song, it either soothes me up; like a warm caress, or just pull me into deeper into all the despicable things going on.

At times like these, I wished that there was a clear answer to all these things. Like a For Dummies kind of handbook or something; whereby you just have to go through the index to be told on how to handle situations like these.

At times like these, I wished I could choose between being lonely without friends, or being unhappy and surrounded with people who doesn't even care. If things were clearly painted in black and white, then I wouldn't have to be drowned in this pool of greyness. I'm not sure of whether to be glad or not that the housemates have all gone back this weekend. It's good in a way as it allows me to have time to think about the past week without having any disturbances; like a welcoming solitary time. At the same time, I know how destructive this given time slot could be as well.

At times like these, I wished I had just one person to sit down and talk to. As much as I hate to say it, talking to people who just couldn't understand a single thing you're saying is just the same as leading yourself down to the path of suicide. I've been through that before. It wasn't a pretty sight. But at times like these, I have to admit that it still tastes like a very sweet and caressing temptation.

This semester had been pretty good for me. Despite the usual people I hate to be around with, at least it hadn't gotten so bad that I just want to bail and repeat the mistakes I've committed in the past. This time around, it's easier to stay focused and I owe most of that to Gary. If it wasn't for him, I doubt that I would still be hanging to whatever is left to be held on to.

From time to time, I still catch glimpses of that ugly side of me struggling to be released. But with the thought of those who truly cared, I hope that I could someday overcome this once and for all.

On second thought, solitude isn't such an ugly thing after all.