Dark Nights

The cpu is making this whirring sound non-stop. Even the seemingly muffled noise was more than enough to break the silence of the dining room. I could hardly remember how annoyed I used to get with it. Somethings have been so long since we had last done it that every little thing could surprisingly seem like a whole new fresh memory ready to be imbedded in; all over again. Just like yesterday.

It has been quite a while since I could remember the taste of bitterness mixed with a tinge of a lemon's sourness. It's like rubbing salt on wounds. It doesn't matter how long it has been. As long as it hasn't healed well, it still exposes itself to chances of being infected; all over again.

It was sometime around three something when it took place. I remember being in the dark room hearing Katrina's alarm clock going off when the buzz came in. It was already 4am. It was so surreal and there was just no way to stop the overwhelming take over of any sanity left.

I screamed so hard that I woke up with a terrible sore throat and voice which resembled something of Macy Gray's. I cried so hard that I could've easily lost all the water weight I had ever gained. I sang so loud that I could easily drown the morning prayers from the nearby mosque. And worst of all, I poured out so much internal confusion to Dad that it made him listen with no sarcastic comebacks for the first time.

It was an awkward moment. It build up tension that had been long gone along the tired ride home. Home. I miss that. I may be already here for a while, but I still missed what we used to have. Maybe not everything. Not how I used to see Dad the same way when I was still a child. Not how I used to see his path to destruction brought so much pain to Mom. Not how I used to stay awake till Korkor returned from outside after everyone had slept from so much tears so that he did not have to face any of it. Not how I thought I had to protect Katrina when in fact she was still too young to understand a single thing. Not how I saw everything as something I swore myself against.

Now the further I go, the more I see myself like my Dad.

The further I go, the more I realize how big the hole i had dug since a child had already become.

The further I go, the more I realize the amount of things I've already lost grasp of.

The further I go, the more I realize that I'm actually still at the same position I was when standing outside my parents bedroom door.