Saturday, September 22, 2007

How about dinner tonight?

There are some things which you think you're missing and there are things which you never knew you were missing until it just strikes in at the most unexpected of times; something old and familiar, like an old blanket which used to warm you up on cold august nights when the monsoon rain is pouring outside the window.

It was just like any other Saturday 3am mornings; where I would be washing my face and getting ready for bed after the usual movie marathon. Just as I was there drying my freshly washed face on a towel, I caught a glimpse of her toothbrush. Suddenly there was this immense feeling of lost times. It reminded me of those days where I used to sleep in the bedroom instead of falling asleep on the brown curdorouy three-seater sofa with spongebob's signature laugh at the background. It was the mornings being waken up by the buzz-whirring of her electric toothbrush. Where she would allow me to sleep for another half an hour till she's done with the bathroom; then if I still cover my head with the abstract-looking comforter, she'll shake her wet comb near my face and tells me that he's on his way over to pick us up for breakfast. Those were the days which haven't happened much anymore, or not at all. Those are the days which we all have conviniently tucked to the back of our heads, and heart.

These days, it's mostly about being both emotionally and physically exhausted. So much so that not even the memories of those happy moments could repair; like the time you used to pull me in the little red wagon at the fruit orchard in canada, where I was wearing that sunflower print dress. Perhaps the damage done had been so severe that both parties are at the edge of breaking down, or worse, just letting things happen and not wanting to invest anymore feelings into it.

How could a relationship of more than two decades slowly wither and be at the brink of dying just like that? Did those memories mean nothing at all? Is it really better for both parties to just let go and go back to their own paths? Is this where the ride stops? What was going on in your mind when we were all having dinner?

Would you try to save it or would you just let it be? I want to know what do you think.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Tie up those shoelaces and keep walking.

Life is like a good movie; where the plots are always filled with unexpected twists and turns. Sometimes they turn out fine, at times it stretches you to the point of breaking down. I experienced that yesterday.

I haven't experienced that kind of rage for such a long time already. It scared me. Yes, sometimes I do scare myself as well. I consider myself quite a sensible and tolerant person, but i guess it was the thought of unfinished business which kept me awake at night. Shit happens, but we move on.

Called dad after i threw my phone away after the heated argument. Never have I felt so much of both dissapointment and anger at the same time. As usual, there wasn't much advice or consoling words; just lots of sensible talk. That's dad.

He's not the type to feed you with soft spoken words. But that's good in a way. He's the one who's always there to tell me to hold my head up high no matter what happens. Never to show my weakness to the enemies. Let them guess what's your next move. Never be predictable. Because the moment you let it show, that's when you've lost the battle.

It isn't about who wins. It's about protecting yourself. Whichever road it is that you've chosen, never look back. Just stick to it. You always have to stay strong to the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me". It's not easy and it never will be; it's all just a matter of practise and getting yourself used to it till it can never hurt you anymore.

"...finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin in serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense..." -emerson-

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Unsent Letter

Long have I contemplated whether or not to write this. Since I found it almost impossible to do this face to face, perhaps it would be best to just leave this to typing.

Things have indeed been strange between us. You might've realized it, but I understand if you didn't. I don't know. Being your friend has taught me to not expect much from you for it always leads to dissapointment and despair.

I'm not the type who is good at explaining myself, even more so when I don't find that it would have much affect. Especially on a person like you. Everything seems to have the need of a medium now. It's just impossible to make myself talk to you anymore. I don't find it necessary to have a middle man actually, but somehow the one who cared just didn't find it comfortable with how things are going on and so was indirectly put in this situation.

I used to think that you've changed much, but after much thought, realized that perhaps I was wrong. Maybe this IS the real you. Not giving much thought about things that you find unimportant. So I decided that perhaps all these while I was looking for something that never actually existed. I was probably too caught up in my own world that I just didn't see this coming, when in fact it had already been there from the very beginning.

There had been so much self-inflicted pain and dissapointment that I finally decided that enough is enough. I would understand if you put me off as being selfish and all that. Fact is that I've managed to slowly get over the worrying of you thinking of me as that. It doesn't really matter much to me anymore at this point.

Perhaps we'll look back at this when we're 85 and laugh about how silly this was. But for some reason, I'm much more comfortable being where we are now. Hardly acknowledging you is much easier than to be your friend. For when we're close, I just can't help not expecting you to act like a friend; or at least how I think a friend should behave. Being thoughtful and considerate at times was all I asked for. Maybe even that was asking for too much.

I think that's all I have to say. I expected this to be longer, but when I started typing away, I was somehow lost for words. It seems that there's nothing more to be said. You can say that I lost in this battle, for being the first to back out; or rephrase it whichever way, if it makes you feel better about yourself.

Take care.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Type and Run

Was just thinking about going for a drink the other day but ended up staying at home talking to sakai. That's the new nickname of housemate after playing M.I.A. for the past two weeks, and when he came back on sunday.. total sakai. Apparently he's finally found the love of his life in Cheras aka Clement's indo maid.

We were just minding our own business when suddenly he kept going on this "Yati" mantra. -___- damn annoying.

Anyways, these past two months had been pretty mind boggling. Learned so much about life and myself in such a short period of time. This life never ceases to amaze me.