Friday, October 30, 2009

dizzy dancing and ice cream castles

this is gonna be an extremely short post i promise!

*shy mode on*

im blushing now and therefore yes this is me being ridiculously girly.

*shy mode off*

i cant believe that this guy that i used to have the hugest crush on had been leaving comments here and there around my blog for the past few years.

*shy mode on*

im so hopeless when it comes to musicians.

lead guitarists especially.


*shy mode on permanently*

1 9 6 9 what's the sound?

i was just looking through all my previous posts and realized that there were actually quite a number which never made it out of their drafting stage. most of them was when i first started blogging which was around 2004, and when i first started out my uni life.

theres a huge gaping difference the way i was then and now. few years back, the written posts were left as drafts because i wasnt too sure if i really wanted others to be reading about such intimate details of my life. this time around, i dont even bother blogging about it anymore. writing back then was such a liberating activity. now it feels like such a chore.

i really miss how i was more idealistic back then. how i allowed my mind to wander into whatever realms which it fancied and dared to venture into. it never came across that an imaginative mind was something to be shunned.

now i really do feel like such an old haggard soul. i keep creating barricades and concrete walls around this restless mind. creating boundaries. disciplining it. almost like enforcing it with military rules.

ive put the mind back into a box and shut the lid.

ive turned myself into a coward.


maybe one of these days i'll post up an unpublished post when i had my heart broken for the first time. really brings back so much memories. =)

angsty post number two : 2 : dos : èr : 二 : dua.

please just get out of my face.


my sanity and kidneys and ovaries would be eternally grateful if you would just get out of my face.

thank you very much.



Thursday, October 29, 2009

when your urine is filled with salt. dehydration. so dont drink your pee when youre thirsty.

"grow a fucking brain!"

ever had someone scream that at you? yea. me neither.

realize how people are always remembering you for your mistakes or screw ups? what about those times when you didnt screw up? they dont recall that do they?

what is it that im looking/asking for? an approval? recognition for what ive done? or perhaps just the mind wondering why is it that people only remember what youve done wrong instead of what youve done right?

when i close my eyes, i could see myself in one of these scenes where we watch on tv. those where a person is standing still while everything around them just zooms in the speed of light. kinda like a scene of this stage play that i watched when i was 15. its called the beacon of light or something. it was pretty crappy for a college production. i dont know. maybe i was just trying to be smart/thought that i was smarter than that.

ever tried typing something that sounds logical with a coherence while your ears are being buried with loud music? its pretty interesting. its like your mind is being stopped at red lights every couple of seconds. hahahhaha.. mind jam. marmalade. rasberry?

as i saw your number the other day. my mind spaced out. like the image of a man-made satellite floating in space. but in reverse mode. and fast. it was pretty surreal.

im such a girl sometimes.


no that wasnt me laughing. just tapping hard on H and A.

thats right.

you just wasted 2 minutes of your life reading this.

2 minutes.

thats right.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


since when did i approve of allowing this to happen? im so angry right now that its not even funny. im so angry that i cant even write! this is me lying my head on the bar top, starring into the almost glaring screen amidst this darkness and continue repeating step 1 and 2 till anger subsides.

all i really wanna do is throw in the towel and think fuck this shit but then i know myself better than that.

its so pathetic that i have to concentrate on my breathings to keep myself collected. its even more pathetic to be museuming this anger here.

you know what?

fuck this shit.

Monday, October 19, 2009

this is it

i'm falling out of love.


I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.

I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.

I'm falling out of love.

from here

Thursday, October 15, 2009

when being yourself just isnt gonna work anymore.

at this moment, i dont want to be here.

at this moment, i dont want to be seen or heard.

at this moment, i dont want to be anywhere near anything or anyone.

at this moment, i just want to stop being myself.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

the day i realized that my dad is not always right.

for the past couple of weeks, i was at the point where there were a lot of conflicting thoughts running through my head. i was trying to figure out what was that lost ingredient that was causing all these confusion. tried recalling the theories that were passed on by the adults when i was younger. everything was perfect to a tee but still the jarring gap was just too profound to be left unnoticed. there was just so much anger and confusion and hatred and even the feeling of indifferent at times which led to even more frustration and confusion. this is getting confusing but just try to stay with me here.

anyways, it took me a very loud and tears to laughter filled conversation with two good friends to make me realize what it was. im in fact laughing to myself as im writing this. for some reason, in the midst of all those love advices we were throwing around at each other, it suddenly reminded me of how i used to be when i was a kid.

back in kindergarten up till i was eleven, i used to be a feisty kid who was a teachers nightmare. one thing that they hated most was how i was always filled with opinions that cant be contained. i remember when i was five, i was the mc of my kindergarten's award presentation day. during the rehearsal, my principal turned off the switch on our mics. thinking that it was off by mistake, of course i turned it back on. my principal was taken by surprise when my voice filled the empty hall and ran towards me to turn it off again. i then told her that it was supposed to be on and she insisted that i turned it off to the point that she started raising her voice at me. *pauses to laugh at how young i was in my own head and ok back to the story* i have no idea how do i remember stuff like this but i somehow do and this is what i explained to her and im not kidding! "but then if we tried without the mics turned on, how would you know if its gonna sound right tonight?" HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! ok i probably said something like "how would you know if its correct" instead of "gonna sound right" but i was five back then so the 21 year old me has the right to change that like how we would for grammar simpatico ok. but let me tell you this, i remember how the principal didnt explain to me why there wasnt the need to turn it on and just told me to do as she said. i bet i was an annoying kid back then! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!

oh and there was this other time when i was in primary one meaning i was seven and there was this relief teacher who came for english coz miss abraham was on mc and she was teaching us about numbers and she was really crazy because she wrote this on the board:

14 - Fourteen
15 - Fiveteen

despite the fact that she or the board of education was probably on crack when they put her through as a teacher, i was probably on even more crack for telling her this in front of the whole class, "excuse me teacher, i don't remember whats the correct way for that number but im very sure its not fiveteen. it sounds something like fiveteen because it starts with an 'F' also but its not fiveteen". HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i swear that was exactly what i said you know why? coz my mom taught me all i had to know about numbers when i was five and i kept trying to recall what was it my mom said bout 15 when i was still using that colourful dinosaur school bag. you see thats how i recall periods of my life, through a distinct song or object. anyways, the teacher then scolded me "if youre so clever then why dont you come in front and teach instead. *points at 15* this is FIVETEEN and if you think its wrong then you can stand on your chair while copying this *points at greenboard* from the blackboard*". and you know why i said i was on serious crack? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! because i corrected her that its a GREENboard and then was sent out of class to copy it from the corridor through the window. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! guess what i did next? i left it blank and when miss abraham came back the next day to mark our exercise books, she scolded all of us for being so stupid to write FIVEteen and then corrected her that its FIFteen. and i was so happy that i jumped up from my seat *remember that she was still angry at this point!* and said out loud, "oh ya its FIFTEEN! thats what i told the teacher but then she scolded me so loud and chased me out from the class to copy from the greenboard from the corridor through the window". miss abraham laughed and then said that i wouldve got it right if i practised what my mom taught me. i defended myself saying that my mom taught me that when i was five so i couldnt remember things from THAT long ago and she told me to just admit that i was lazy for not practising.

the way i remember stuff that i remember is crazy i tell you!

and i nearly forgot the whole point of this post. HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! oh yea bout how my dad is not always right. hahahhahahha!!! anyway, this outspokenness to what i think is not right made me extremely unpopular among the kids and typically stupid teachers who for some ridiculous reason hated me for speaking up. and i used to complain to my parents bout it and my dad always reminded me to lay low and "not everyone likes the person who knows the right thing. so just lay low and keep what you know to yourself and just let them continue being wrong. at the end of the day, fighting back will only leave you at the losing end". lets face it, of course there were racial remarks inserted as well but lets leave that out of here.

so what im saying is, the things that i remember is really crazy. and how i hold on to them is even crazier. my dad probably meant well when he said those stuff. he was probably trying to teach me how to protect myself but didnt know how to explain them to a kid. of course i only have myself to blame because even when im already 21 now, i really shouldve had more brains to actually analyze those words than to take them as they are.

but its still funny now that ive figured out where and when i left that feisty and loud-mouthed chubby kid. now that ive found her, i sure hope i dont lose her again! =D

p/s: and this is to you for being such a jerk for the past few months. please get over yourself. it really wouldve made more sense if i had blonde hair and talked with the word "like" in a bimbotic manner after every three words and made every statement slurred up like a question at the end.