Just Another Soldier on the Road to Nowhere

It's funny how a few hours of difference could put your emotions in a 180degrees spin. A couple of hours after the last post, I couldn't seem to fall off to sleep so decided to just hit the gym and hopefully get tired out so that I could go to bed. Turns out that I was feeling even more refreshed so I took the opportunity to call up two people to wish them Happy Fathers Day. Turns out that both didn't pick up their phone. But one of them replied and it wasn't good news. What began as a funny and poking message then turned into something mind shattering.

It was one of those news that I was just too stunned to even react to it. I only started to feel again after I called her up because I really needed someone to talk to after that message. I really didn't know what to say. All I did was just sob into the receiver. The painful kind. Where every sob seems to be sucking a huge amount of air from your lungs.

I don't know. It's been such a long time since I had to come across this again. I've had three relatives passed away in such a short period of time; and immensely small gap between each years. Perhaps this time it's not as serious as I think it is. But that's an even scarier thought. Because everytime I'm being told that it's not as bad as I think, that's when I get doused with cold water after that been said. I hate this feeling. I hate it that I'm crying over this. I hate that I can't do anything at this point. I hate being so stupid as to hope that all hard feelings could be put aside at times like these. I hate feeling so helpless and crippled and all I could do is just to get down on my knees and pray to whoevers listening to take this pain away. I hate being so weak up to the point that I have to write this down to hopefully clear it out of my mind for the time being.

I really can't continue with what or how I had intended to write this, on how I thought I had to recollect my thoughts and stop crying. I hate being this weak when it comes to situations like this. Perhaps I should lie down now.