Tuesday, April 16, 2013

twenty nine eighty

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Once upon a time

This has been a place where i imagined what "plateau" would be like.

You're just bored.


You should know more people.


I have friends.

There's only so much they could do to keep me interested.


Honestly, they bore me, i thought to myself (quietly).

I believe in connection.

I believe in chemistry.

If you gel, you'll just gel, i said.

There was a time when i started questioning myself.

...then there were these two people.

Friends.


And i felt like i was home all over again.


Tuesday, April 03, 2012

north-east

its such a funny weather today, i said.

yea... i left the back window opened at work today. it was so soothing that i did everything so slowly. you know how when you're so used to working from behind a desk, then you start to be so slow at work... so slow at...


manual labour? i finished, questioningly.

yea... manual labour.


he then went on about the angry indian cab driver and how the guy who called in to the radio station won some tickets when he related the unfortunate tale of his broken penis which took a six-hour surgery to fix.

the last thing i remembered about the conversation was something about him coming to a conclusion of how he shouldn't have sex with skinny women, as to prevent his penis from breaking. just like the guy on the radio.

i then stubbed my cigarette and walked into the house, closing the door behind me.

it was like he never existed.


Monday, April 02, 2012

wild lavender

today has been a strange day for me.


im not sure why do i feel this way actually. there's just this overwhelming sense of emptiness, inadequacy.

its not the first time. i've even gotten used to feeling this way. but for some reason today was just, different.

i thought i just needed some fresh air. i'm still really not used to this whole carpet deodorising scent. wild lavender it says, on the label. what a lie. which is why i got the gardenia and sandalwood diffuser.

your room smells like india, he said.

its ok. i like it this way.

then i went for a walk. in the rain.

theres this thing with rain drops that makes me feel like I'm being peeled off my sins. all the insanity and troubles just slowly dripping off with each step, leaving them laying on the pavement - wet and lonely.

but that wasn't what happened.

not today.

today, everything just felt really heavy. and stale.

i tried inhaling a breath of fresh air but it just smelled like bottled wild lavender.


Saturday, March 31, 2012

burning pants

i think i lie a lot, and yet it never seems quite enough.

sometimes i tell myself that i should stop lying, once and for all. but then its not easy. i think I'm afraid that people won't like me once i stop lying. come to think of it, i never even realised how much i lie until a couple of hours ago when we were at lucky 7.

the night attendant there is this really bored guy. he's always asking funny questions out of the blue every time  we're there so i'll just assume that he's bored. anyways, the question of the day (or night) was "are you happy?" and without thinking twice i just answered "yes". honestly, i didn't care much about him. i didn't even care if i was happy at that moment or not. the only reason i said yes was because i thought that would hinder him from any further questions. you know how some people are funny funny. and there are those who are just plain... bored (?) i think he falls into the latter. or to me at least. who am i to say? maybe he's the life of the party among his friends. so back to the story, he then seemed happy with my answer and looked behind me and asked eugene the same question, to which he replied "i would be if i won the 21 million lotto jackpot" or something like that. i really don't care about the lotto or winning jackpots or anything to do with winning money.

and this got me thinking about how much eugene is always talking about buying the lotto and winning the prize money. then he'll turn to me and get me to join him in this little fantasy game about what we'll do if we had all that cash. and i always answer him the same thing - buy houses and collect rental, or put it in the bank and collect the interest, or something boring with mature-sounding words. that was when i realised I'm a liar.

i don't care about making more money with that money or whatsoever. i just say them because i think thats what he wants to hear. therefore I'm a liar, because i could've just been honest about how i was actually calculating in my head how many tubs of ice cream i could buy with 21 million dollars.

21, 000, 000 ÷ 8.90 = ?

that would only be applicable if there wasn't a promotion. or else it would be divided by 7 dollars.

or how many bottles of peanut butter i could get.

21, 000, 000 ÷ 5.98 = ?

or even how many pints of beer i could have.

but i don't think he'll understand. or anyone else for that matter.

they're probably gonna think that I'm stupid or immature or not thinking like an adult.

therefore i lie by giving them an adult like answer; by using words such as property, or bank, or investment, or organic.


Saturday, January 28, 2012

strange; thankful.

sanity being toyed.

many a times i've questioned myself if it was by you, or my own tolerance.

like all the other lessons in life, i believe that this too shall pass.

Friday, January 20, 2012

passing clouds

so there i was, of how it began with an evening of unexpected change of weather; drizzly followed by a calming tranquility - cycle and repeat.

it was like praying for a shower after a drought. desperate, yet hopeful. it was a funny concoct. perhaps it was the habit of getting used to the lack of; which made every drop more of a welcoming (for me, at least) change of the usual.

it was closing to the peak of summer.

that little circle; it was more of the exchanging of thoughts; thought provoking even, than it was of a competing ground (of a fight to the finish).

how much have i missed this place.

the lessons learned, the stories told - such is the journey.

funny how minuscule it all seems as we move slightly further from where we began.

"keep an open mind", they all say - but how much has it amount to, has so much more to be seen.


Saturday, November 26, 2011

sacrilege

sometimes we make the mistake of violating the "special treatment" we get from others.

a wave of a hand; to brush it as a one off incident.

doesn't really matter how did we even get that laminated piece - or not.

just like how sometimes i say things or feel emotions that i wished i could take back; instead of displaying them so publicly.

this whole camaraderie, i would never dream of doing anything to jeopardize it.

please don't take my word for it - literally. it was probably from the stupor.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Of Yesterdays

Dear you,

How long has it been since we've really had a proper conversation? Funny isn't it? We could spend so much time with each other and yet not a word has been exchanged.

I know you've been going through some pretty rough patches for a while now. Even though you've been refusing to talk about it, I hope you know that the things you're finding solace in isn't a long term solution. Eventually, it will only worsen your own situation.

Remember the last time we spoke? Where I said that you shouldn't let the weight of the world hold you down? I'm sure somewhere deep inside, you still remember those words; even if you chose to ignore it. Although you might not want to admit this, but I know that you've been avoiding me because you know that i'll never be able to fully sympathize the issues that aren't even yours to begin with. The most I could do is to be empathetic about it; not because I don't care for you, but because I know that it's a habit that is eating you inside out that needs to be overcome.

Please remember that there are so many people around that genuinely cares for you. Even so, there is only so far they could come to carry you out from the darkness, you need to learn to accept the help just as well.

You know that i'll always be here for you.

I'll try to write to you everyday in this space.

Karen.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

untitled

guess it was never completely buried.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

4.03am

i've been trying to avoid depressing nonsense in here for quite awhile. somewhere along the way, i guess i've been putting myself in an almost complete state of denial. avoidance feels like the thin string that's holding all this flimsy bits and pieces together.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

this is not a sad post

in another less than 48 hours, i'll be halfway onto a new journey. its been a funny concoction of feelings in the past couple of days. i wouldn't say that i'm sad, but i'm not entirely happy either.


in the past couple of years, life has taught me lessons through different kinds of experiences and challenges. right now, reminiscing the continuity of days since i left high school, i would say that i'm more thankful than anything else about all that God has placed in front of me. life hasn't always turned out the way i assumed/predicted it would be, but He has been taking care of me extremely well.

sometimes i have wished that i didn't have to go through certain stuff in this life, but at the same time, i wouldn't wished it all away either. as i'd said, God has been very kind to me indeed. albeit all the struggles that i've passed through, i know i've grown up in so many ways that i would never had managed to without all that has happened.

this time around, He made me realise how much love i have around me. be it from family or friends. and i'm extremely thankful and humbled by it. He showed me that no matter what, love is always around. sometimes we just have to look hard enough (at the right places).

when mom said that they wouldn't be able to send me off this wednesday, i wouldn't exactly say that i was devastated. in a way i was kinda glad actually. not that i don't wanna see them, just that i think i would be able to go with ease if i just left on my own. i'm not good when it comes to saying goodbyes. i just function that way, better i guess. perhaps it's because i'm so used to being on my own that when people show their care, i'm not sure how to handle the overwhelming feeling which comes with it.

i'm definitely gonna miss all that i'm leaving behind in this short period of time. but i also know that whatever lies ahead of this, i'm gonna embrace it the usual way i embrace new adventures - like the way a happy fat kid sees a nice meal.

just as the title says, this is not a sad post. my brain is just a tad too overwhelmed by all that is happening in this short span of time.

i've been spending the long weekends with a couple of close friends. friends that have changed me so much that they might not even realise it. they taught me that having people who genuinely care for you makes life's tough lessons so much easier to swallow. they taught me that it's perfectly fine to be cared for. they taught me that they are people who won't budge no matter how much you try to push them away. most importantly, they taught me that life is beautiful.

if this isn't a sad post, then perhaps this is a thank you note. thanking all the beautiful souls that have taken a bit of their time to share it with me, to walk with me in this journey we call life.

thank you. :)

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

haro boys and girls!

currently feeling:










ps: last ones for my dads kidneys.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

1.55am

"I'm Coming Down"

Turn the lights out,
The party is over and the wines all gone,
Your good friends are headed home,
Wish I could be there,
I'm floating,
Was happy to hear you turned thirty-three,
You look good, you're so carefree,
Wish I could be there

But I thought you should know,
That inside I've grown cold,
And I fight every day to lose control,
It's a Saturday,
I'm coming down

Frustrated,
Got caught in the rain going to work today,
Soaked through for the job I hate,
I wish you could be here,
I'm choking,
Swallowed too much of my pride today,
The words that I just won't say,
I wish you could be here

But I thought you should know,
That inside I've grown cold,
And I fight every day to lose control,
It's a Saturday,
I'm coming down

For the first time, I've seen stars at night,
For the first time, I'm on fire

But I thought you should know,
That inside I've grown cold,
And I fight every day to lose control,
It's a Saturday,
I am going down,
It's a Saturday,
I'm coming down.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

let me play among the stars

i'll be on the flight in another 25 hours and 20 minutes.


this whole uncertainty of where life would bring me next, never fails to scare and yet excite me.

if someone were to ask me where do i picture myself in 5 years, i doubt i will be able to give them a satisfactory answer; because the truth is, i would never know. its not that i dont have a goal. i guess im one of those who literally throw all caution to the wind and take the backseat in life. i honestly believe the universe always has a way of making things work in accordance to our one ultimate goal in life.

ive been staring at the flight itinerary for the past few minutes. still stoked with the idea that this is really happening.

truth be told, as much as im excited, im also crazy-assed nervous.

im just reminding myself to let Him take over the wheel. i believe He will definitely know whats best for me.

all i have to do is enjoy the next ten days in Japan baby!

:DDDD

Thursday, September 09, 2010

wires

i have been contemplating on whether or not to write about this. in some ways im still unsure of it. perhaps im just feeling tired. a bit dissapointed perhaps. but most of all, i think im just seeking for closure.


a couple of days back i so happened to come across this line, "True friendship isn't being inseparable, it's being separated and nothing changes." maybe it was the push i needed to finally put this down.

ive always believed that i would never allow distance to come in the way of my friendship with the people that i hold close to my heart. im thankful that with two of my closest friends who left to study abroad, i havent been wrong.

no matter how long we havent kept in touch, we never ran out of things to say the moment we caught up with each other again.

the bottom line is, i probably took this for granted. always believing that the distance is just temporary. a geographical inconvenience. a small obstacle that would never be too huge to be a problem.

or so i thought.

couple of months back when i was talking to a friend, i couldnt help but realize the coldness. the sudden change from the familiarity that i had gotten much too comfortable with. she finally admitted that perhaps we're just living different lives now. about how we have a different set of lifestyles and friends. about how we dont share anything in common anymore.

it went on for quite a while. in a way i kinda just shut it off. i didnt want to listen to anymore of what she had to say. it was a bit too much for one night.

i consoled her and tried to put it off as the lack of communication. it was just her. nothing had changed. try to not overthink.

but truth be told, i wasnt quite the same around her after that night. after the things she said.

im not quite sure what happened. i guess something just went away that night.

much has been said and done throughout the nine months. its been a snowballing effect. its not an overnight change of heart. but i guess somehow i could still overlook all of it until that night.

i guess after that night, i kinda thought to myself "is this really how our friendship weighs to her?"

right now, even with a rough assumption of the consequences this post might bring, i still dont really know why did i choose to write this. i really dont. what do i expect to happen after this? i really dont know. all i know is that im tired of keeping this inside.

maybe im just over-reacting.

maybe its almost four in the morning.

maybe im just exhausted.

maybe im just not happy there anymore.


10 things ive learned in the past nine months

1. everything happens for a reason.


2. people dont just walk into your life if they werent meant to be in it.

3. friends come and go.

4. focusing on a problem doesnt help us to find the solution; the solution is in Him.

5. its ok to say no.

6. its not about the past or the future; its about what we can do today.

7. never take today for granted.

8. we cant choose our family.

9. never hold on/put too much importance in earthly possesions.

10. we're all worthy of His love.


Tuesday, August 03, 2010

silver part III


snap and im back!


sweet as honey but i sting like a bee

karen v2.0 in progress

:DDD


silver part II

sometimes i wish i were an animal. roaming the grounds in search of what i need and only what i need - to sustain myself.


its a constant struggle to try to not give into the world - losing sight in this whirlwind. to wish for more. more even when what we already have is suffice. why are we set in such?

out of sight, out of mind.

i no longer cry over them. but its undeniable that i still yearn for them. in a way or another.

everytime i find her in this position, i just have to keep reminding myself of whats truly important.

i know that all these are just temporary.

greed.

i know but i still do otherwise. at times.

its all the devil's tests.

i wish i were a panda bear.

Friday, July 02, 2010

thank you

sometimes i wish that i could be one of those who could just walk away. realize that its not only no longer making you feel good but also bringing yourself down, and just walk away.

i dont want to see it as this. i do cherish the memories, but right now it feels like its the memories that are making me stay and turn a blind eye from what is happening right now.

anyways, on a happier note, im on a short trip to visit two friends. its funny how life always surprises us. like they say, you win some you lose some.

right now im feeling extremely blessed and grateful to all the people that He has brought into my life. extremely thankful to have the chance to cross paths with such good company of folks.

thank you victor for being such a good tour guide. thank you for introducing me to such a great bunch of friends. thank you for accompanying me everyday and making sure that ive had my daily dose of caffeine so that i dont get cranky and act like a spoilt brat.

thank you serena, jason, and matt for being so cool with the whole crashing over thing. thank you for putting up with me dancing and meowing in the kitchen, in the living room, in the dining room, and victor's moans and groans when i whack him. thank you for bringing me out and being my elder siblings whenever victor or matt bullies me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! matt i still want to kick your face everytime i see you!

thank you nhat and bae for bringing me out for food and coffee. thank you for feeding me and making sure that this fat kid/cat doesnt die of famine. thank you for the cooking. thank you for meowing with me everytime matt gives me the death stare.

thank you rachel and alvin for the delicious dinner. thank you for feeding me with pork. thank you sean and conrad for driving me around from the airport to freemantle and pizza! thank you ee voon for the bus card and teaching me how to not make cooking mama angry!

thank you leeyi for being so patient with me when im late. TWICE! im so sorry bout what happened at the city the other day. sorry for making you wait for an hour when youre already not feeling well. thank you for waiting for me AGAIN when we went to the city the second time around. thank you for introducing me to your housemates with awesome cooking skills. i hope things with you and him works out.

its still pretty early to write this but im just feeling really grateful throughout this whole week. will probably update this whole thank you note thing every week or everytime im feeling grateful. teehee.

i miss malaysia and the sun already!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

serenity

and i surrender to Him.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

gary says "meow"

this feeling of frustration. frustrating and hopeless situation. why this? why now? "maybe because you havent touched a drop of coffee for the past two days" it said to me. me and my addiction for caffeinated liquid. thats a story for another day.


anyway, finals are drawing closer each day. and im sure im not the only one feeling the heat at this moment. part of me cant wait to finish up my paper on the 18th next month and yet another part is dying to go operation ferris bueller. i can already hear roger ebert staring at me and mouthing "your taste sucks" in his signature scowl.

please pardon the lack of coherence here today. my mind is attempting to teleport every 3.7 seconds. me body is struggling to keep up with me head.

happy birthday john! i hope you see this here coz fb is being a stubborn ass by refusing to load properly and im also being a donkey by disowning my phone and thus refusing to even look at it.

so the past couple of weeks have been incredibly productive. managed to spend a lot of quality time with the company of amazing people. even had one of my starstruck moment when i met up with a person whom ive come to admire since i first read her article in malaysia today. i felt like a total idiot when i didnt recognize her name when TJ mentioned her for the first time. not until i googled and found out who she was. see this is me and my failing memory when it comes to names. must.repair.braincells. i really have to stop using my inhaler so often.

so much has happened in such a short period of time. things are looking a lot better now. im just too lazy to talk about it right now so we'll just keep that for another day when i burn my phd in procrastination.

well good luck to those of you who are mugging right now. all the best for those who will be sitting for their finals in the next couple of weeks. thats all for now i guess.

ok babai.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

how now brown cow? part 2

this rut has been going on since saturday night.

a quick recap of my saturday:

so there i was, finishing up my research for an essay which is due in week 7 and my mind kept going "YESSSS!!! done! and saturday night life here i come!".


after i got ready and everything, my friend called and canceled. after i put down the phone i was beyond frustrated. not because he had to cancel at such a last minute, but because i felt like "why God?!! why are you always doing this to me?!! had i been lazy?!! no! i had canceled my friday plans for a whole weekend of drinking and slacking just so that i could finish up on what i have to do! and now youre making this dude bail on me and i have to stay home on a saturday night?!!! WTF!!!"

i know being bailed on is nothing extraordinary. people get bailed on all the time right? even i do that to people at times. but its the thought of actually sacrificing a whole weekend just to do my assignments and compensating that with just ONE night of fun, i really felt like was that really so much that im asking for? if you knew me you would know that this is not me. i would never put work before outings. i would never put work before the chance of getting wasted. i would never put work before any effing thing.

that was when i started to rebel. rebel against all the effort that ive put in for the past 5 weeks. i just ate and slept and watched ridiculous amount of the simpsons and futurama. i felt like "you want me to live in a rut? then i'll make everything look and feel like a rut!"


just now when i woke up at 4pm, i just felt stupid. extremely pathetic. and absolutely immature. i felt like a kid throwing a stupid tantrum just because i couldnt watch the 6pm simpsons on starworld and had to help my mom with gardening instead.

was it worth throwing it all out just because i felt neglected by God? just because i felt like i "deserved" a night out after pouring so much effort into research just for one bloody essay?

was God really neglecting?

did i really deserve to be rewarded?

then i thought about that night when leeyi was staying with me in pj during our holidays. when i was telling her about constantly feeling as if my mom didnt care and the whole perth plan. thats when she slapped me and said "WTF! what do you mean your mom doesnt care?!! what about all those semesters youve been slacking off?!! what about all those effort that youve put into your work and then just fucked it up just because you thought your family issues were fucked up. ive never seen anyone so retarded as to do their work and not hand it in just because they thought it would teach everyone around them a lesson! WTF! have you ever thought about how lucky you are that your mom is still letting you continue despite all your fuck ups?!! have you ever thought about how much money your parents have wasted BECAUSE of your fuck ups?!! WTF! and now youre telling me that your mom doesnt care! you really damn fucking retarded lar!"

i have to admit that although we laughed about what she scolded me from time to time, im always mentally kicking myself for having been so ridiculously childish all these years. it was also those words that was part of the reason why im not screwing it up this time. but i have to remember that i wouldnt always have someone like leeyi to tell me this when i need to hear them.

at this time, for some reason it seems so difficult to find peace within myself. it comes quickly and it goes just as swift. ive tried ignoring it. reminding myself to focus on the bigger picture. that this is just a phase and like it is, this too shall pass. but it is as if another small part of me is telling me that im just being delirious. that im just lying to myself that im at peace. its as if the bag that holds the emotional turmoil is already bursting at its seams. ready to overflow anytime soon. it feels as if no matter how much i try, i just dont deserve any of this. its as if i cant escape from being that wandering soul. lost and confused.

so i tried something that i havent done in a pretty long time. i read the bible.

you know how when people tell you that the bible always has the answers? i dont know if i was just plain lucky or that it really was true, but this was what i found:

"What does a man get for all the toil and anxious
striving with which he labours under the sun?
All his days his work is pain and grief;
even at night his mind does not rest"
(Ecclesiastes 2:22-23)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your
hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"
(John 14:27)


then it got me to think, what was it that made me feel as if ive been neglected from this 'peace' that i was searching for? right now, being peaceful to me was if i could balance up both my uni life and social life; being able to cope up well with assignments and presentations and also being able to still have time to live healthily, sleep well, and hang out with my friends. it throws me off balance and makes me believe that im really living a one sided life when people says stuff like:

"karen youre such a nerd lar"

"karen you actually HAVE a library card?"

"youre such a nerd lar. why you go and do so many references? it only asked for three lar"

"you started damn early and youre STILL doing your research?"

"youre ALWAYS busy with your research and its so hard to hang out with you now"

"are you having a secret affair with the librarian uncle?"

this is the face thats having an affair with the librarian uncle

the last one was probably the best ive heard so far. i dont like seeing myself being affected by this kind of remarks. i dont like feeling as if im really that shallow minded and sensitive to be affected by this kind of remarks. and the worst is that i feel angry at God and ask why do i have to sacrifice my reputation by being called a nerd and always having to use the same excuse of having to do MORE research for every essay everytime my friends ask me out. im currently having a love/hate relationship with the new me. sometimes i dont even know if i would feel better if people dont ask me out altogether or if they actually want me to hang out with them. i really dont know.

perhaps this was what God meant when He said He doesnt give to me as what the world gives. i have to remind myself that i shouldnt hold on to earthly possesions too strongly. this will just push me away further from Him and His big plan.

"All men will hate you because of me, but he
who stands firm to the end will be saved"
(Matthew 10:22)

im not saying that im being hated to an extreme extend, but it feels that way at times. i guess this is what the loneliness of obedience is about.

dont worry people. im not depressed. im just writing it down here as a reflection of my past weeks. im fine now. maybe thats why curtin came up with this whole reflection thing. HAHHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!

ok need to go finalize my slides for tomorrows presentation now. wish me luck!

i hope all of you had a good week and if this post had helped you in the slightest way, im really happy for you. =)


ps: ahlai, you said i havent updated my facebook pictures for a long time already so heres a couple that i camwhored just for you.

pps: john, i know you like my pian tai face right? so the last one was specially dedicated to you.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!


Friday, April 02, 2010

how to cure sleep deprivation

hai adik-adik! today i wanna share with you guys one way (really successful!) to cure insomnia.

trust me when i say that this has been a very successful way (for me) for curing sleeping problems. especially when its coming from me! for those of you who knows my sleeping patterns, you would know that ive been battling insomnia for lord knows how long already.

this might not be the healthiest (but i wouldnt say that its unhealthy either) way, but maybe you could give it a try.

couple of days back, i realized that im no longer that stressed out with assignments. its a pretty heavy load with all the weekly submissions and stuff, but ive managed to handle my procrastination issue pretty well so far so maybe thats also one of the reasons why i dont feel so stressed out about it now. yea anyway, ive been getting (almost) 8 hours of sleep everyday but still its always around 2 in the morning before i could knock off into lala land and im so used to waking up before 8am now. then from the beginning of this week, i decided that i really need to try to sleep before midnight.

ok apologies on the paragraph long intro, but heres my solution. normally around 8something at night, i take a small bowl of rice. just rice with a bit of butter or soy sauce. small bowl coz my lunch is already a plate of mixed rice hur hur hur. so yea, after that small bowl of rice, i ALWAYS feel sleepy after 15-30minutes. then i terus sleep. right up to maybe around 2am, then i'll chat with some friends on msn for bout an hour plus, then fall back to sleep till 7.30am.

i dont know bout you guys, but i think you could give it a shot. i know its not healthy to have a heavy meal at night, but i try to do it before 9pm and its just a small bowl of rice (the kind youre served in chinese restaurants) so i dont think its too much of a harm. i guess it works for me so well because i almost ALWAYS feel damn sleepy after makan.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

what a way to breed myself into a mcfatty.

i heard that chubby cheeks and thighs are a hit this year! *in denial*

shaddap i know that my arms are big!

okok i'll lose weight this weekend!

or next week..

someday.

maybe. *shifty eyes*

Thursday, March 25, 2010

another step forward

despite all the anger, panic, frustration, exhaustion and tears, at the end of the day, deep down inside i know that it was all worth it.

why this strange feeling?

perhaps it was my mistake for underestimating it this time around.


was it built in just a day? a sudden change. an epiphany just struck. i couldnt remember it that well, as much as i wished so.

my heart just feels strange right now.

how do i describe it? its not entirely heavy, but it is at the same time. not from sadness. not from pressure. it just feels.. strange somehow.

since day one i had been reminding myself, "this is it. youve been given a second chance in life. dont waste it. just stay focused on each day. take it one step at a time. dont be over-ambitious. do what you can and leave the rest to God."

i would be lying if i said that it was easy. for those of you out there who had been breezing and nailing this, i wonder if it was just plain determination or did it take years of consistent practise before you got to where you are.

im not giving up this time. as much as the hurdles get higher each day, im constantly being reminded that this too shall pass. i can do this. i just need to have faith in myself and faith that He has bigger plans for me.

everytime i feel dejected and lost, i force myself to think of the Lord. this is when im reminded that the hardship and challenges thrown my way is all part of his big plan.

and a wave of serenity washes through me.

this humbling effect; there are no words i could think of to describe this. its like a realization of how small i really am. how miniscule. how easily it would to be overlooked just like that. and yet He didnt. and this is when i truly feel at peace.

for those of you who has known me well enough throughout the years, you could probably remember how im always complaining after a bad discussion in class. you would know how i couldnt stand ignorant people; people whos always saying that the lecturer is never good enough or well-informed enough, and yet never take the initiative or effort to optimize their knowledge capacity but rather sit down and complain. im sorry if i ever made you guys feel like a punch bag, but thank you for bearing with me everytime i start bitching bout them.

same thing happened today and there wasnt anyone around who i could complain to. so there i was, sitting at the stairway; alone, and frustrated. then i caught myself. "is this because i think that im better than them?"

you know that disgusted feeling you get when someone tells you that youre arrogant or selfish? its as if youre being slapped hard on your face. thats how i felt when i asked myself that question. i was extremely filled with disgust and loathe for having such ugly thoughts, and it took me so many years before i realized this problem.

i cant even remember what was the purpose of this post. i just felt that i needed to write something. and im glad that i did. im actually feeling much lighter now. so yes, the strange feeling is no longer lingering around. =D ok back to my assignments already. WOOOHOOOO~~!!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

being a nerd with the lousiest timing

its already 5.04am and im still doing my work. i have to hand in two drafts, one essay and on top of that, i have a quiz later that i still havent finished revising for.


i just completed the essay and both the drafts and realized that its already past 5am. im damn worried that one of these possibilities would happen:

1) revise for the quiz and hopefully get some sleep, and risk not remembering anything ive read or was said in lectures during the quiz due to the lack of sleep (i have a morning class later at 11am. i know its not THAT early but still i have to leave at 10am coz im taking the bus and i still have to take a shower and take a crap and all that so i have to wake up latest by 9am).

2) get some sleep now and pray that i have time to read up before the quiz and risk not having the time to do so and end up effing up the paper anyway.

being all paranoid and shit, i thought of just looking through the module outline of the chapters to get a rough idea on what we might be tested on tomorrow and HOPEFULLY i could just run through before i sleep and guess what? both the drafts that i thought was for tomorrow; one is due in week 5 (next thursday) and the other is in week 7.

fml.

T______________________________T

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

bila dua orang gendut bersembang di msn

Karenkok says:
wtf
rupa-rupanya adik lehu pun nak tengok akak karen gemuk balik...
T___T

leonardez says:
of course
keranamu malaysia
==
tak
i mean
kerana adik lehu tengah fat fat nya ta
tau

leonardez says:
so kena ada PREN

Karenkok says:
er chui lar
youre tall ok!
you dont look fat lor

leonardez says:
no no no

Karenkok says:
you think im tall also is it?

leonardez says:
tak bole cakap macam tu
huhuhu

Karenkok says:
if i had your height i will just makan dont care lor

leonardez says:
like what ive been doing for the past 21 years?
huhu

Karenkok says:
hmm?
*blink blink
actually i also put on weight
and its just FOUR days in segamat
can you imagine if its a week
i think my old clothes also cannot pakai
coz my mom cooked assam fish~
HAHAHHAAHAAHAHAAHHA
but i damn miss the food at home lar
T____T
its damn er chui lor

leonardez says:
assam ikann

Karenkok says:
after makan like nobodys business in segamat
come back to desa almost everyday i walk out alone to eat at the malay stall
T____T
cannot be disciplined ady

leonardez says:
hahaha
good eh

Karenkok says:
good your head!
its damn eowh lor this time
really damn scared that i will fat back lar
but then my brain keep telling me to eat

this is the scenario:

tummy: feed me.. feeeeeed meeeeee....
karen: stfu!

5mins later

karen: akak, nasi goreng kampung satu tambah ayam. nak peha eh. dgn satu teh o ais limau
fml

leonardez says:
haha
5 mins later
akak lagi satu

Karenkok says:
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
dont lor
segamat really damn shiok lor
just eat and sleep only
T____T
if want to be babi no need to buy appeton weight gain
just go to segamat
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

Monday, March 15, 2010

how now brown cow?

i think i might be on the verge of completely losing my mojo for blogging.


:/

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

leeching off medusa's wifi

good evening ladies and gentlemen.


karen kok is now officially on a tight budget hence the not paying for internet and taking the bus to ioi everyday to leech off starbucks free wifi.

my dear friends who havent gotten a reply on facebook, please bear with me until 7pm everyday ok?

my wallet and kidneys are ever so grateful for your understanding.

thank you very much from the bottom of my ovaries.

until next time.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

womb


the last time i was here, i thought that the things that i was searching for, all the knowledge and senses, the reality that i had to someday face - myself, in a nutshell; i thought it could be found out there. out amongst the busy streets and neon lights. i thought i would come to see aspects of me in that concrete jungle. for some reason i almost always discover missing fragments of myself in the midst of chaos; more often than not.


the past weeks were anything but peaceful. and yet i see myself thriving, paradoxically, in comfort, as i journeyed through this unpaved road. was it because this is the road less taken? i often thought. even till now i still havent been able to see a clear answer.

2010 was anything but a mark that i was looking forward to. it wasnt because 2009 was a breezy year. i guess it had something to do with how all that pain and sudden changes that took place back then, my being had grew accustomed to it. it was like a whole different set of "comfort zone". like how the story about the frog who was put in a pot of water with room temparature and slowly brought to boil and he was dead before he realized it. same sort of situation, different species of life.

dont be mistaken that im pessimistic about this year though. its just that it seems as if i have less things to look forward to this time around. not that ive lost that spark for life itself, but ive learned to savour each day as it unfolds. its a very simple sense of happiness.

im learning to let go off things that i dont have control of.

im learning to be more level headed when facing brick walls.

im learning to stop trying to please everyone because at the end of the day, you end up pleasing no one.

im learning to find the simple pleasures in life that i had all this while taken for granted.

im learning to appreciate life as it is.

hello 2010 =)

Monday, January 18, 2010

note to self: stop reading chick lits.

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Instructions: Look at the list and put an ‘x’ after those you have read. Tag other book nerds.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen x
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte x
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling x
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee x (boo radley was probably one of the coolest characters during my pre-pubescent days! *nerd mode on*)
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens x
11 Little Women - Louisa May Alcott x
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller x
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier x
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (i got it during my 12th birthday from aunty fay and its still lying around somewhere T___T)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger x
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll x
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens x
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen x
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (yes i know youve read this rave fml)
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden x
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (gave up before the curator died. i watched the movie though. hahahaha)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery x
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel (in progress)
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen x
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens x
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon x
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas x (one of my all time favourite author)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville x
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens x
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker x
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett x
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens x
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker (watched the movie as well)
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom x (angelin loves mitch albom because it gave her the idea of calling those days where people treats her like 'dear aunt agatha' as 'thursdays with angelin' hahahahha!)
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle x (hound of the baskervilles ftw!)
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton x
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (watched the play organized by the bangsar soroptomist club and it made me cry fml)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas x
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare x
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl x (didnt we love roald dahl, chanchal? hehehehe)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

i only read slightly more than a quarter from that list and most of them was before i graduated high school. evidence to self that i have grown dumber over the years fml.


note: feel free to tag yourselves if youre interested.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

i am a chinese

勇往直前

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

je'taime mrs lai's cooking and bahau food

couple of weeks back, leeyi invited me over to her brothers wedding in her hometown. i know it sounds weird and all and how i was gonna turn up looking like a whole walking talking wedding crasher. hahahahahahha! i sort of had my doubts of having a great time and not feeling awkward but then that part of me who just wanted to dress up and meet up with leeyi after she left for perth and have nice food and mingle around with aunty-aunties kinda took over the part of feeling like a whole walking talking wedding crasher hahahahhaha wow this is a long sentence so heres a period.

but it was really fun! especially when i got to meet up with leeyi, leo and VICTOR after such a long time! but the part where it was the most enjoyable was probably where the three of us were walking around in our house clothes helping her parents with the preparation because as we all know only those who are really close with the wedding people get to walk around looking like crap and house clothes coz thats how we roll yo HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

in these three wonderful days, i was reminded of how truly blessed i was for having friends who still treats me like a million bucks eventhough im walking around damn confidently amongst all the dressed up relatives and aunty-aunties with my mr delicious tshirt with bite me on the back. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! like how we still love leo like a million bucks eventhough he looks absolutely ridiculous in some poor girls slippers with a huge ass lady bug on the straps and how we still love victor although he practically turned up (and stayed that way) wearing an XS singlet and board shorts and talking to little girls like a pedophile ("wow! youve got pretty big boobs for a 14 y/o girl) and wiping the chairs and working it like a lap dancer and reminding us every 2minutes about how hes gonna lap dance to all the uncle-uncles in front of their wives singing lady gaga's monster (he ate my ASS. he ate ate ate my ASS). yes despite all these we know we'll still love each other like a million bucks or even more like how we love a good bowl of hakka ham cha.

and let me tell you this people. lai lee yi's mother cooks the most amazing hakka ham cha and homemade kaya! its sooooo good that it deserves more than one 'o'! and the kaya is so good that i kept returning to the table for kaya! coz throughout the night i was just taking the kaya and eating them off the plate like how i would do to a bottle of peanut butter, and leeyi's popo saw me taking the kaya and she told me to take more of the dumplings that were supposed to go with the kaya and i just pointed at the otak-otak (which were also wrapped like the dumplings) on my plate and said "oo ok yea there! ive taken them already" and sheepishly walked back to our table hurhurhur.. i cant stop talking about mrs. lai's cooking lar. i just came back to pj in less than a day and im already missing it. T___T

leeyi really is the luckiest girl to have such a great family! eh im not patronizing ok! its true! her sisters are memang damn sporting! thank you miss lai for bringing me for supper after the wedding dinner and scrouging around the kitchen for snacks when i kept saying that im still hungry hurhurhur. i really cant help it that my stomach is a bottomless pit. she even took out a packet of bak gua (pork jerky) and told me to makan and dont have to shy shy and i thanked her by saying so nice lar your kitchen because in december also still got bak gua. i know i sounded like a total pig but as you all should know, quaint little hometowns are memang kryptonite to my diet plans. fml.

and then this morning around 8something while we were waiting for 2nd miss lai to wake up and go back to pj together, leeyi's dad asked us if we wanted to have milo or anything and i said its ok lar uncle. maybe later. its not because i was shy but because i needed my regular dose of caffeine and savoury malaysian-style breakfast. im not a milo-drink-for-breakfast kinda girl. for goodness sake you look at my tummy then you sure can tell ady one lar but maybe leeyi's dad wasnt paying attention on my tummy so he couldnt tell what kind of breakfast person i was. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!! uncle lai im just kidding ok? 

see lar. i really miss bahau so much already.

thank you lai lee yi and your lovely (do people still use this word? HAHAHAHAHA) family. i really enjoyed myself immensely during my stay there. =)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

split personality

ive been feeling very dr jekyll and mr hyde-ish for the past couple of weeks. very much.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

who are we?

since the beginning of the semester, ive been thinking of doing something that i probably would never think of doing at such an early stage of my life. thats where it remained; just a thought.


it was not until recently that i decided this was something that i really should put into action. so far, i had only shared this plan to three of the people whom i have known to be the most sensible and logical of the others - uncle shane, leo and wei kiat. it did come off pretty surprising even to me when they supported it. i guess part of me was thinking that perhaps its too crazy as well, though i avoided myself from pondering too long upon it as i didnt want this to be another case of overthinking and it ends up not happening at all.

theres this friend of mine, derick, whom ive known for more than a decade. we call each other our AA partners. we have this connection where it gets pretty scary at times. hes the kind of friend who you hardly keep in touch with, but the phone always rings when youre at a crossroad; now this is the scary part, we always land at the same crossroad at the same time.

the day before yesterday, he called me out of the blue as he wanted some opinions about this paper that he was doing about the machu picchu civilization. it started with:

how would you define humanity?

and it churned out hours worth of discussion about how we as humans, are always seeking for more in life when we already have an abundance, and how we are always dissecting things around us in hoping to discover more. is this just a mere quest for knowledge and material wealth? or does it go deeper than that? is it an act of our own insecurities in the inability to know ourselves and our own culture that we need to "rectify" this situation but trying to understand others and their culture?

such is life. we are constantly in search of the truth, but to know that truth is relative, therefore this is also to say that truth doesnt really exists. so what is it we are seeking for then?

we each shared a story regarding this question. his was the indian fable of murugan and ganesh circling the universe, and i, the experimental ideology of putting three men in a cave by aristotle.

we realized a flaw within the range of definitions of humanity and civilization that was already written in texts; there were mostly evolved within the context of art, language and culture, and based from the author's point of view. so this is to say that he was defining it based on his reality. but how could this definition be comprehended by the rest when our visions on what reality differs from the next person? this great civilization in peru for example, there were no records in writing anywhere, and yet we know so much about it; is that why we know and therefore able to justify it as a great civilization? and is this to say that if we never knew anything about them except for their architecture that has stood against the test of time, they are therefore uncivilized? such a paradox isnt it?

after our conversation, i started thinking that perhaps im more of a murugan than a ganesh. i need to literally go around the universe instead of just encircling my parents; as much as i hate to admit it, i know that they are not my universe. (now i feel like si tanggang T__T).

as the days draw nearer, i am more and more terrified if this plan is going to work out. im constantly put into fear with my minds what ifs. albeit all these fear and excitement, i know that it is something i should do. perhaps unknowingly, i am 生在福中不知福. all this while i had always been so sure that i wasnt one. but now as my mind slowly see things clearer, i realized that they are traits in me which points directly to that proverb.

although im not sure what would happen after ive taken this step. whether or not i would come back an improved version of me, that is left in the hands of God. but the one thing that im sure of right now is that i have to put myself out there in order to come back as a more appreciative person for the people and things that i have around me.