selfish

im chatting with a friend on msn. and lashing out on him. hes going through a tough time and i dont seem to be helping much. im frustrated with the way hes doing things. im angry to see him sitting and complaining and doing nothing about it. i cant stand whiners.

what kind of a friend am i? here i am typing about it while hes at the other end confiding. i dont want to listen anymore. i honestly dont. its like the rotten flesh of my once freshly buried sins digging itself out from its grave. its reminding me too much of how i was once. i didnt see some fucking martyr coming to save me out of that ditch i was digging for my own premature burial!

it has stopped bleeping in its hideous orange shade. he might be sensing it as well. sensing my selfishness. sensing my anger. sensing the frustration. sensing all that ugliness emerging.

i hate it when things remind me of my past. i dont want to be reminded of those days when there wasnt anyone around to guide me when i was so lost.

sometimes when i thought i had passed all that and then something like this comes along, it forces me to look back at how far i had gone. or so i thought. everytime i come to dead ends like these, i feel like im being raped by my past. its like being pushed down on the ground and pulled by the hair to face something ugly. something that you dont want to see. no matter how hard you shut your eyes, theres a blinding light which keeps reminding you of the cold hard truth in front of those closed eyelids.

i havent learned anything at all. i have instead allowed what shouldve been taken as a lesson turn me into a selfish monster. maybe thats why i never got around to bury the hatchet.