this rut has been going on since saturday night.
a quick recap of my saturday:
so there i was, finishing up my research for an essay which is due in week 7 and my mind kept going "YESSSS!!! done! and saturday night life here i come!".
after i got ready and everything, my friend called and canceled. after i put down the phone i was beyond frustrated. not because he had to cancel at such a last minute, but because i felt like "why God?!! why are you always doing this to me?!! had i been lazy?!! no! i had canceled my friday plans for a whole weekend of drinking and slacking just so that i could finish up on what i have to do! and now youre making this dude bail on me and i have to stay home on a saturday night?!!! WTF!!!"
i know being bailed on is nothing extraordinary. people get bailed on all the time right? even i do that to people at times. but its the thought of actually sacrificing a whole weekend just to do my assignments and compensating that with just ONE night of fun, i really felt like was that really so much that im asking for? if you knew me you would know that this is not me. i would never put work before outings. i would never put work before the chance of getting wasted. i would never put work before any effing thing.
that was when i started to rebel. rebel against all the effort that ive put in for the past 5 weeks. i just ate and slept and watched ridiculous amount of the simpsons and futurama. i felt like "you want me to live in a rut? then i'll make everything look and feel like a rut!"
just now when i woke up at 4pm, i just felt stupid. extremely pathetic. and absolutely immature. i felt like a kid throwing a stupid tantrum just because i couldnt watch the 6pm simpsons on starworld and had to help my mom with gardening instead.
was it worth throwing it all out just because i felt neglected by God? just because i felt like i "deserved" a night out after pouring so much effort into research just for one bloody essay?
was God really neglecting?
did i really deserve to be rewarded?
then i thought about that night when leeyi was staying with me in pj during our holidays. when i was telling her about constantly feeling as if my mom didnt care and the whole perth plan. thats when she slapped me and said "WTF! what do you mean your mom doesnt care?!! what about all those semesters youve been slacking off?!! what about all those effort that youve put into your work and then just fucked it up just because you thought your family issues were fucked up. ive never seen anyone so retarded as to do their work and not hand it in just because they thought it would teach everyone around them a lesson! WTF! have you ever thought about how lucky you are that your mom is still letting you continue despite all your fuck ups?!! have you ever thought about how much money your parents have wasted BECAUSE of your fuck ups?!! WTF! and now youre telling me that your mom doesnt care! you really damn fucking retarded lar!"
i have to admit that although we laughed about what she scolded me from time to time, im always mentally kicking myself for having been so ridiculously childish all these years. it was also those words that was part of the reason why im not screwing it up this time. but i have to remember that i wouldnt always have someone like leeyi to tell me this when i need to hear them.
at this time, for some reason it seems so difficult to find peace within myself. it comes quickly and it goes just as swift. ive tried ignoring it. reminding myself to focus on the bigger picture. that this is just a phase and like it is, this too shall pass. but it is as if another small part of me is telling me that im just being delirious. that im just lying to myself that im at peace. its as if the bag that holds the emotional turmoil is already bursting at its seams. ready to overflow anytime soon. it feels as if no matter how much i try, i just dont deserve any of this. its as if i cant escape from being that wandering soul. lost and confused.
so i tried something that i havent done in a pretty long time. i read the bible.
you know how when people tell you that the bible always has the answers? i dont know if i was just plain lucky or that it really was true, but this was what i found:
"What does a man get for all the toil and anxious
striving with which he labours under the sun?
All his days his work is pain and grief;
even at night his mind does not rest"
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your
hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"
then it got me to think, what was it that made me feel as if ive been neglected from this 'peace' that i was searching for? right now, being peaceful to me was if i could balance up both my uni life and social life; being able to cope up well with assignments and presentations and also being able to still have time to live healthily, sleep well, and hang out with my friends. it throws me off balance and makes me believe that im really living a one sided life when people says stuff like:
"karen youre such a nerd lar"
"karen you actually HAVE a library card?"
"youre such a nerd lar. why you go and do so many references? it only asked for three lar"
"you started damn early and youre STILL doing your research?"
"youre ALWAYS busy with your research and its so hard to hang out with you now"
"are you having a secret affair with the librarian uncle?"
the last one was probably the best ive heard so far. i dont like seeing myself being affected by this kind of remarks. i dont like feeling as if im really that shallow minded and sensitive to be affected by this kind of remarks. and the worst is that i feel angry at God and ask why do i have to sacrifice my reputation by being called a nerd and always having to use the same excuse of having to do MORE research for every essay everytime my friends ask me out. im currently having a love/hate relationship with the new me. sometimes i dont even know if i would feel better if people dont ask me out altogether or if they actually want me to hang out with them. i really dont know.
perhaps this was what God meant when He said He doesnt give to me as what the world gives. i have to remind myself that i shouldnt hold on to earthly possesions too strongly. this will just push me away further from Him and His big plan.
"All men will hate you because of me, but he
who stands firm to the end will be saved"
im not saying that im being hated to an extreme extend, but it feels that way at times. i guess this is what the loneliness of obedience is about.
dont worry people. im not depressed. im just writing it down here as a reflection of my past weeks. im fine now. maybe thats why curtin came up with this whole reflection thing. HAHHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!
ok need to go finalize my slides for tomorrows presentation now. wish me luck!
i hope all of you had a good week and if this post had helped you in the slightest way, im really happy for you. =)
ps: ahlai, you said i havent updated my facebook pictures for a long time already so heres a couple that i camwhored just for you.
pps: john, i know you like my pian tai face right? so the last one was specially dedicated to you.