Thursday, March 25, 2010

why this strange feeling?

perhaps it was my mistake for underestimating it this time around.

was it built in just a day? a sudden change. an epiphany just struck. i couldnt remember it that well, as much as i wished so.

my heart just feels strange right now.

how do i describe it? its not entirely heavy, but it is at the same time. not from sadness. not from pressure. it just feels.. strange somehow.

since day one i had been reminding myself, "this is it. youve been given a second chance in life. dont waste it. just stay focused on each day. take it one step at a time. dont be over-ambitious. do what you can and leave the rest to God."

i would be lying if i said that it was easy. for those of you out there who had been breezing and nailing this, i wonder if it was just plain determination or did it take years of consistent practise before you got to where you are.

im not giving up this time. as much as the hurdles get higher each day, im constantly being reminded that this too shall pass. i can do this. i just need to have faith in myself and faith that He has bigger plans for me.

everytime i feel dejected and lost, i force myself to think of the Lord. this is when im reminded that the hardship and challenges thrown my way is all part of his big plan.

and a wave of serenity washes through me.

this humbling effect; there are no words i could think of to describe this. its like a realization of how small i really am. how miniscule. how easily it would to be overlooked just like that. and yet He didnt. and this is when i truly feel at peace.

for those of you who has known me well enough throughout the years, you could probably remember how im always complaining after a bad discussion in class. you would know how i couldnt stand ignorant people; people whos always saying that the lecturer is never good enough or well-informed enough, and yet never take the initiative or effort to optimize their knowledge capacity but rather sit down and complain. im sorry if i ever made you guys feel like a punch bag, but thank you for bearing with me everytime i start bitching bout them.

same thing happened today and there wasnt anyone around who i could complain to. so there i was, sitting at the stairway; alone, and frustrated. then i caught myself. "is this because i think that im better than them?"

you know that disgusted feeling you get when someone tells you that youre arrogant or selfish? its as if youre being slapped hard on your face. thats how i felt when i asked myself that question. i was extremely filled with disgust and loathe for having such ugly thoughts, and it took me so many years before i realized this problem.

i cant even remember what was the purpose of this post. i just felt that i needed to write something. and im glad that i did. im actually feeling much lighter now. so yes, the strange feeling is no longer lingering around. =D ok back to my assignments already. WOOOHOOOO~~!!!


trinasonic said...

i thought you were doing on food thats why you feel so confused xD

karen said...

if its food then its the happy kind of confused.