project happyness

to sleep all day

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

to wake up and feel the sunshine on my face

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

with friends

we laugh and dance

jumping and reaching for our dreams

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

all i want is

to infinite this.

thank you (you know who you are)

thank you for all the memories.

glitch

they rush in colonies

like ants marching towards sweetness

a finger is put

a plastic ruler even

anything around us

blocking their little trail

unseen

a mark is made

running

running

to stop is not a possibility

in what we know as our path

how fickle minded

gullible

fragile indeed

from brown bunnies

to little white fluffs

drugged

how addictive indeed

to know that we're that fragile

cheap china in our own hands

an endless trail

a bottomless pit even

name it anything we want

anything the mind says

anything at all

a square

or circle

figments of an attempt at poetic depression

as we know it

another meaningless tragedy

like little corpses ran over

our own mechanics

its all in us.

Jay Aye Dee E Dee : jaded

i wish i were

but i know im not

unless

sacrifices were made

fatal sacrifices

the more i see

the worse i feel

and i know it wont go away anytime soon

why?

thats just the way it is

nose bleeds.

prozac

to be dependant is a blissful yet scary feeling. being answered to a dialing tone is something that i fear extremely. what has happened to me? it didnt used to be this way. there was always peace in writing and reading. right now my mind has made it a burden. an extremely tiring and exhausting burden. what has happened? it just didnt used to be this way. a first after such a long time, im seeing myself turning into someone dependant. and to know that there isnt one singled out person that i could fully rely on makes it even more painful and scary. what has happened? it definitely didnt used to be this way. im looking at myself getting more lost and confused each day. i want to stop this. but i just cant seem to find a way to do it. why am i still hanging on to this ghost? knowing very well that it cant go on this way. what used to be the solution is now shadowing who i really am inside. its as if im slowly losing myself in a whole new realm that i swore against from the very first time i recognized it. looking in that thin piece of silver and being mocked back. anything but welcoming. what has happened? 

its definitely not the cold of the night.

maybe all of us are just the same - wolves without a tail.

this thing called jealousy.

its a crazy feeling.

it turns your very core against all thats in its way.

it feeds off every nubile emotion in you.

its an avalanche of unspoken sins.

we just dont talk about it.

but it doesnt mean we dont feel it.

my mind is telling me to fight it off.

stop it before it consumes you

another part of me is questioning if i really want to.

paranoia.

do you enjoy having tuna in a can for dinner? doesn't that sentence itself overflows with awesome fishy goodness?

you know how our ears and brain are connected?

i'll let you in on one secret;

i could disconnect mine.

don't ask me how.

i just can.

photographic evidence on me obtaining special powers.

im in a very distraught mood right now.

this crazy month-long hiatus is already taking its toll on me.

both physically and mentally.

you know how some people go crazy skinny when theyre stressed out.

well im a living evidence of something that defies the law of physics/stress.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

trust me when i say that if i had that kind of mas selamat power,

i would definitely use it to make it so much easier for you.

don't have to scream it in my ears.

using that kind of powers on you would be a simple gesture of thank you very much.

are you blinded by my awesomeness already? if not kindly touch your eyeballs to your screen.

chamomile tea

you said it

she.

perhaps it will be easier to just move on.

i should keep my brain back in its box now.

heart?

it'll now what to do from here.

it always does.

my pretty chameleon.

she and my face.

theatre.

I am

we always strive to look at things "as a bigger picture" but then sometimes we tend to lose track of the finer details.

balance, they say.

places change.

nations develop.

we all change eventually,

don't we?

it's a true challenge to keep our passion, dreams, and our principles alive along the journey.

it's not easy. but it's not impossible either.

Perfection

As idealistic humans who walk the face of the earth since the beginning of civilization, we will constantly find ourselves on the infinite search for perfection. For the female race, in one way or another, there will be a time where we will seek and thus chase after perfection in body image. Perhaps not for all, but i believe in todays modern society where we are being slapped with advertisements, shows and what-not on an almost daily basis, the path to that "beacon" is what most of the female population is aiming towards - even if it means risking it all.

However, does this so-called perfection truly exists?

During my early teenage years, I was one of those who believed that if i had that 'perfect body', everything else would be easy peasy.

"If I had the perfect body, I wouldn't be single".

"If I had the perfect body, I would have a rich and handsome boyfriend who would spoil me with all the luxuries he could afford".

"If I had the perfect body, my teachers would excuse me for not doing my work".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be going out and mixing around with more people everyday".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be happier because I don't have to worry about what others will see me as".

I could go on and on about how delusional I was (and still am at times) and there's really only one reply I could tell myself if I was my age right now back then - WTF?!!!

See how I restricted and scared the heck out of myself because I didn't have the 'perfect body'? How crazily delusional I was for believing that everything would be ladeeda~ if I was a size 0? PSYCHOTIC!

Instead of making me happier, it made me struggle with eating disorder for more than five years.

Instead of making me happier, I stopped enjoying food and became best friends with the toilet bowl. *hello jamban! how have you been?* T______T

Instead of making me happier, it turned me into a sneaky rat who lied my way around having to put food into my mouth and making people believe that I was normal. *nolar mrs goh. im not bulimic or anorexic. i just happen to work out alot lar. hahahahha..* (yaaaaaaaaa... energy come from where ar? drink petronas primax ar?) T_________T

Instead of making me happier, I was too busy fainting and having dizzy spells to attend school like the others. *hello minyak cap kapak! did you miss me?* T____________T

Instead of making me happier, I fell deeper and deeper into the extreme obsession with the figures on the measuring tape and weighing machine.

Like I had said, the list is endless.

Back then, I was so experienced with all the weight issues and eating disorders that I even managed to write a script for my high school's choral speaking group which contributed in us emerging as champions. *like that also proud. wtf.* T________T

Those that has been mentioned were just an iota of the whole five years ride of torture. Come and buy me a drink and we can sit down and i'll tell you the whole story. Story telling time by Aunt Karen. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyway, I'm talking about this now because I want to be the next Oprah Winfrey who wants to help all those out there who's struggling with eating disorder and hopefully inspire them to realize that the only way to get out from it is by loving and accepting ourselves for who we truly are - perfect. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA... nolar. damn geli when i read back this paragraph. fml. ok maybe not the part of wanting to be Oprah (actually its true HAHAHHAHA), but I do sincerely hope that people will one day learn to love and accept themselves for who they truly are and not the figures on a piece of machine. Unless you calculate your bmi and you're obese then it would be advisable to cut back on the junk food and start exercising and the formula to calculate is weight(kg)/height(m) x height(m) and if it's 18.5 and below that means you should have more cupcakes and if it's 18.5-25 that means you're normal and ish damn long ok just go and google it and don't be so lazy lar.

Are you inspired now? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!

I'm not putting all the "HAHAHAHHAs" to mock you who are reading this ok! (as if there's THAT many people reading) *in denial of the non-existant number of readers* T_____T

It's just me and my nervous laughter when I'm trying to sound all serious. It's a disorder. Says Dr. Karen BA.Hons in Self-Proclamtion. hurhurhur... are you inspired yet? wtf.

Eating disorder IS a serious issue ok people! If you find yourself having difficulties in over-coming it. Get someone trustworthy (preferably knowledgable and credible in the medical field) to talk to. Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen. As someone once told me to get me talking (and later brought me to tears. *wuss* T___T) "Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen, and I have two ears... And two shoulders in case you need to cry".

Talk damn a lot lar today. In conclusion (like essay writing ya children T___T), learn to love and accept yourself for who you truly are. If everyone in the world turn their backs against you, remember that you still have yourself, God, and Aunt Karen. -____-

Okbabai now coz I still have to finish up my assignments. hurhurhur..

Suara Hati

i hope another random annoying bastard comes up to me and says, "karen, just listen to your heart". just so you know, theres someone on the same block who keeps telling me that everytime we meet up. HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!! imagine if i did that!

Block C resident: Come on Karen. Just listen to your heart.

Karen: Ok! *Beat beat beat*

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

lets disco dance!

my mind. how do i explain my mind? where do i even begin? i always thought that if i kept up with this mentality, i would go mental even sooner than i can say "eat your veggies son!"

so right now im in this position where the amphibian has understood its own abilities and limitations concerning the whole land and water issue. but then you somehow know that its impossible to be living in the water the whole time even though you could but not forever thats why youre a toad. *memories of katak kristal dashes in mind*

so anyway as i was saying. yea! you know yourself but at the same time its like.. you THINK you know.

right now im upset bout things and people mainly due to issues that has been on everyones mind. mine included. but then for the past two weeks, it has gone pretty out of hand to the point of just being plain annoying. things are not always black and white! things that we see are not always what they seem to be. ok maybe at times they do. but not all the time! wtf?!! so smart then go and do something with all that brain lar! dont come and psychoanalyse me eh sai boh? knn.

its memang damn geli when i feel the need to be all happy-happy-clappy-fatty-bom-bom. either that or just mampuskan myself and selit into that mindset and just feed on air and life. *punches fist into the air and screams "get high on life yeah!"* T___T memang damn geli lar! knn after what i heard the way i was being perceived was lagi geli! lagi knn x12398127387 times ok! you listen and see you dulan or not?!! and this reminds me of the time when uncle shane and aunty fay used to make fun on me with this stupid limerick "fei po fei tut tut. or si or mm chut." (fatty fatty girl. want to shit but kena constipation/sembelit). actually its quite funny lar when i think bout it now. hurhurhur..

what im saying is that at times im really tempted to drown myself in a certain image that im used to seeing in magazines and all that but then i know that i cant. not because its difficult lur ok. being a bulimic is damn easy ok. just that that was the destructive path that i had gone through for the past five years. it was satisfying and ego-boosting i may say. but then at the end of the day, you know that youre just killing yourself.

see! its damn therapeutic to write. i started of being damn pissed over such a small matter. and after bullshitting dunno how much words here its damn syiok lor. like makan kimchi kind of syiok. or even like online-stalking some random dude kinda syiok. no lar. not that i stalk ppl online lar ok. ok maybe theres this one guy. just one ok. and i didnt add him on msn or fb or whatever like what ali told me to ok! so im just a third degree stalker. hes got very chinese eyes btw. very chinese looking kinda cute. like that when he wants to eowh ---> -_- hurhurhur...

someone commented about how random and vague the posts are. its not because i have a mind that cant keep itself in one place at one time. well actually that is part of the case. but not entirely.

you dont expect me to lay myself bare like that to be picked upon by everyone do you? all due respect to those who take that road for whatever reasons youve chosen but then its just not for me because thats not how we roll. *raises canadian flag* but then i dont want to quit writing here just because im worried bout that. so the only way is to be as vague as possible. you have your own views and interpretation of it. no ones stopping you. so yea.

why still write online then if i dont want to allow others to know whats in my mind and would rather choose to confuse those reading here? well because i can. *walks off with heroic music playing and hair heroically blown by the wind and readers gasp in awe in my heroism*

selamat pagi puan jacob.

reminds me of the days in national service when sharon used to scream at me "karen! damn random lar you!"

i miss the robotic life in camp. T___T

wakenabebbbb!!!

tagged.

001. Real Name: karen kok hsi hsi.
002. Nickname(s): mou mou. pui po.
003. Age: 21
004. Horoscope: aquarius.
005. Male or Female: female.
006. Elementary: convent.
007. Middle School: convent.
008. High School: convent.
009. College School: luct.
010. Hair colour: black.
011. Long or Short: short.
012. Loud or Quiet: quiet.. *shy* teehee..
013. Sweats or Jeans: jeans.
014. Phone or Camera: camera.
015. Health Freak: seasonal.
016. Drink or Smoke: neither. teehee..
017. Do you have a crush on someone: jonas bjerre.
018. Eat or Drink: both.
019. Piercings: er duo. telinga. yi zai. ears.
020. Tattoos: not at the mo.
021. Social or Anti-Social: social.
022. Righty or lefty: right.
023. First piercing: ears.
024. First relationship: 16.
025. First Best Friend: lisa liew hiao hiao. *shy*
026. First Award: kindergarten.
027. First Kiss: *shy* teehee.. (im bored already T_________T)
028. First Pet: tadpole. my brother told me thats what baby mermaids looked like.
029. First Big Vacation: mexico.
030. First Love at first sight: prince eric from the little mermaid. and all my other imaginary husbands always ended up with the same name as well. T___T
031. First Big Birthday: 9 at the golden arch. didnt we all had that for at least once in our life?
032. First Surgery: the removal of my wisdom tooth(?) I SWEAR IT WAS EVIL!
033. First sport you joined: sprinting.
034. Orange or Apple juice: neither.
035. Rock or Rap: both.
036. Country or Screamo: both.
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys: 5566. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! eh laugh eh.
038. Britney spears or Christina Aguilera: christina.
039. Night or Day: both.
040. Sun or Moon: both.
041. TV or Internet: Both.
042. Playstation or xbox: playstation!
043. Kiss or hug: hugs.
044. Iguana or turtle: iguana.
045. Spider or bee: spider.
046. Fall or spring: both.
047. Limewire or iTunes: limewire.
048. Soccer or baseball: soccer.
049. Eating: edible.
050. Drinking: minum milo anda jadi sihat dan kuat! nolar. coffee.
051. Excitement level: level 27 dengan kuasa ghaib harris periuk.
052. I'm about to: feed my lazy dog with steroids.
053. Listening to: the power rangers soundtrack. power chords giler! teehee.. ^_^V
054. Plan for today: buat reading log dan mengbelog untuk pembaca setia.
055. Waiting for: mew to come to msia.
056. Energy Level: due ratus lapan puluh tujuh peratus. *yatta!*
057. Thinking of someone: kawan-kawan di siberjayer. hur hur hur...
058. Want kids?: tak nak. *muka mengada*
059. Want to get married?: erm.. tak berape minat buat skang. *muka mengada 2897312%
060. When?: ish. kan dah kater tak nak! *muka cimb*
061. How many kids do you want: tak paham bahase. benci!
062. Any name on the mind: aznil nawawi. tom tom bak bersamer abang aznil! *pew weeeet!*
063. What do you want to do: nak gi shopping kat pavillion. kedai guess kan ader diskaun. teehee..
065. Mellow future or wild: i nak liar macam si tigger kat kartun beruang pooh! teehee.. ^^V
066. Something you would never try: erm.. kontrol cun kat depan balak i. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
067. When do you want to die: ish.. doser cakap pasal mati kat bulan lima haribulan sebelas!
068. Lips or Eyes: nak mater macam bered pittS ngan bibir cam anjelina joli! seksi diorang kat dalam citer tuan dan puan smith.
069. Romantic or Funny?: kelakar. tak best ar kalo asyik beromen jek kan?
070. Shorter or Taller?: i tak kisah sebab i pun tak lah tinggi sampai maner. *malu* teehee..
072. Romantic or Spontaneous?: i suker laki yang spontan. macho gilerrrr! teehee.. ^^V
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms?: kalau boleh i nak nice... teehee.. *malu*
074. Sensitive or Loud?: dua-dua kena balens.
075. Hook-up or Relationship?: relationship.
076. Trouble Maker or Hesitant?: good mix of both.
077. Muscular or normal: insignificant.
078. Kissed a stranger: no.
079. Broken a bone: dislocated my spine. so no i havent broken a bone.
080. Lost glasses or contacts: belum pernah lagi.
081. Ran away from home: sekali je.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defence: no.
083. Killed somebody: no.
084. Broken some one's heart: hopefully not.
085. Had your heart broken: we live we learn.
086. Been arrested: no.
087. Cried when someone died: yes.
088. Liked a friend more than a friend: *looks at ground and kicks imaginary dust*
089. Yourself: love myself. surelah ade. teehee..
090. Miracles: takes place at the most unexpected of times.
091. Love at first sight: only happens to one in a million. unless youre delusional all the time.
092. Heaven: upstairs.
093. Santa Claus: is struggling with Atkins. its the potatoes. its always the potatoes. *sighs*
094. Tooth Fairy: was made up to fool ignorant white kids and asian anglophiles. just like the SATs.
095. Kiss in the first date: *yawns*
096. Angels: twelve.
097. Is there 1 person you want to be with right now? : no.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you're in life now? : yes.
099. Do you believe in God? : yes.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people.

• ten people.

are you are you?

many a times

we're sure we know;

we know we know;

we think we know;

do we really?

we want them

fast.

immediate.

right here

right now.

do we really?

many a times

i was sure i knew;

i knew i knew;

i think i knew;

did i really?

are you are you?

this too shall pass

at times

we're really just as ignorant.

augustus,

lorenzo,

maria,

unknown.

it's just a phase.

we drink, we dance, we live.

happiness.

temporary happiness.

at times

we're really just as ignorant.

mominhup gor, cheng lei yun liong ngo ba!

aunty fay used to say to me, "if you know you shouldnt have done it then why did you even do it?"

how do i answer to that? "because im an idiot who should take my foot out from my mouth but then i'll somehow find another way to put it back in again"?

this is not a sad post. just a way of apologizing to this friend that ive hurt today. hes probably gonna read this so i guess this is the only way i could think of to tell him how sorry i truly am. i hate to see myself as one of those people who apologizes so many times that they word "sorry" eventually loses its meaning. i know im contradicting myself here but YES i admit that i am a totally clueless idiot at times like these! T_____T

i just hope you know that no matter what happens, i truly appreciate having a friend like you. i know youre gonna roll your eyes and throw a towel rack at me once youve read this. but thats how i really feel right now. im sorry for being such an idiot. if watching me pretending to be a disney princess and prancing around with 4 1/2 inches heels will make you feel better, then to prance in heels i shall! (although i secretly enjoy prancing around and pretending im a princess at times T______T).

so there you have it. embarassing fact no.1898712.

saya sayang pada kamu ya kawan. tolong jangan marah lagi. saya jadi puteri disney esok okei? *shy*

fml.

i absolutely hate it when this happens. its so bloody awful!

first i wake up feeling like crap. and then from the feeling of being utterly useless it turns me into this monster who just wants to take a waterbottle and slap everyone with it. and then from that crazy bitch i will pick the saddest song ever written and cry myself to sleep and then wake up and get so tempted to tell everyone to just fuck off. and then i get on msn and everyone just keeps saying the wrong things that are like dousing pepper into my eyes. and that reminds me of this one time when my dad used to buy all these wasabis in a tube and me and my brother used to dare each other to press the air out of it and into our eyes. yes coz we're retarded like that. i think it was all those walks in shopping malls under renovation. some of that glue probably shot straight into our brains but i'll leave that story for another entry dammit i hate everyone including my bloody ovaries right now! although theyre not technically bleeding yet unless i punch them or they decide to go all operation menstruation on me cb why am i feeling like that?!!!

and me not being able to control any of these makes it even more awful!

i hope my period comes tomorrow.

p/s: maybe i should get a bf right now so that i could dump someone coz the only way for me to be really happy is to make someone damn dulan. T__________T

classified

when you stand before that thin layer of silver,

please tell me what do you see?

were your yellow bricks neatly laid?

or were you wondering if those pigtails

a pathetic attempt to cuteness

were 17degrees askewed?

do you know why you never got the whole truth?

it wasnt because they wanted to protect you

it wasnt because they cared for you

it was pathetic

they knew you couldnt take all those words

see what a test-drive could do to you

it really wouldve been more fun

if you were quicker

more intelligent

more challenging

youre just another boring player

in your pretentious badges and uniforms

bravado?

i accepted you once

you really shouldnt have said that

that one word just did it

it was all it took

you said you didnt need friends

thats what you thought

what if i told you the poison

its working

manusia sememangnya mempersonakan

waste my time! sial! its effing hilarious though to see how gullible you are. it was fun for a while. but not fun enough. 

times when you shouldnt be so alert.

i was just telling a friend the other day about how im feeling indifferent about the people around me. its not such a bad thing to do actually. sometimes its really out of the need to simply stay level-headed.

in the past couple of days, one of them came up to me in an attempt to tell me bout whats been going on recently. i just felt indifferent.

and then this morning, another one came and we talked. along that conversation there was a couple of questions i was being asked.

i dont know how to explain this in words, but for some reason, when i put two and two together, the picture couldnt have been any clearer. its crazy i tell you. the way my mind works. i hardly doubt my instincts/presumptions/any other words with the similiar affect because its not a once or twice thing. theres this thing in my head where i just naturally pay VERY CAREFUL attention to what people are saying to me and for some crazy reason, my mind just detects the randomly connected pieces and out comes the picture. i honestly wished that i wasnt so sharp when it comes to things like that. but now ive just learned to embrace that part of me.

i dont want to mention anything to anyone as i doubt it will benefit anyone in the end. however, i just hope that everyone will know what theyre getting themselves into and make the best out of it. heres to the hope of no one making the same mistakes they did in the past. perhaps at least think before you act. 

this is just too weird even for myself. just hope that everything will turn out well for everyone at the end of the day. okbabai.

Easter 1916

I have met them at close of day

Coming with vivid faces

Eighteenth-century houses.

I have passed with a nod of the head

Or polite meaningless words,

Or have lingered awhile and said

Polite meaningless words,

And thought before I had done

Of a mocking tale or a gibe

To please a companion

Aroung the fire at the club,

Being certain that they and I

But lived where motley is worn:

All changed, changed utterly:

A terrible beauty is born.

-W.B. Yeats.

train rides

sometimes i really wish that i was a lot stronger than this. that i wouldnt be so overwhelmed with emotions that all i want to do is just to sit there and cry. as much as i hate it when things like this happens, when how people always has this thinking that im capable of doing every damn thing. sometimes i wonder if this would happen to me if i were a son instead.

when i was in the train, all i could do was just to stop thinking bout what was it that brought me here; why is it that ive decided to just step away and take charge of the situation; why is it that im always treated in such a way. because at the end of the day, all these thoughts would only upset me even more. makes me complain about my situation. makes me be even more self-centred and keep turning in circles.

so at that moment when i was sandwiched between the endless throng of people, i just kept telling myself that its not such a big deal. i just have to do what i have to do and then sleep it off. its going to be alright again when i wake up. 

i know i could handle this. i just have to stop underestimating my own abilites and strenghts. life goes on. nothing is ever that big of a deal.

2009

its been a while since i last updated this page. 

as usual, the sem has started bout a week already and things have been going on pretty well. the only thing that i need some getting used to is probably the way im trying to handle things now. like not talking out the stuffs that are bothering me. in a way its like not admitting to myself that the "problem" is THAT big of a deal that i really need to get it out of my chest. these days i either just try to calm myself down with reading or songs, or if it gets too much, just take a stroll and then sleep it off. im still trying to get used to this method.

its not the most comfortable way of dealing with it, but i do think that it does helps me in not being such an easily agitated person. 

this is a very short entry. so erm... till next time then. just dont hold your breath for the next one.

have a good day everyone. =)

makanlah di restoran oriental cravings di one utama! eh lupa.. tak halal.

It's 12.44am, which means one thing: Happy Chinese New Year people! =D

This timing couldn't have been better for me to talk a bit about my current sem break job, especially when the previous Sunday Star's your say section had been touching on the (closely) related issues.

1. Ten of the worst.
2. Respect please.
3. No excuse for bad service.

As some of you might have already known, I've been helping out my aunt at her restaurant in 1utama, Oriental Cravings, since December. If you don't, well i'm helping out at my aunt at her restaurant in 1utama, Oriental Cravings. =P

Front view of OC

Of course, there are those days (almost on a daily basis. ALMOST) where you meet with customers who are erm.. a tad too unnecessarily rude/snotty. but never to the point of ruining my whole day lar *keeps fingers crossed*. when you're in this line, you HAVE to have control of your own personal emotions in check. which is one important thing that i've learned throughout this experience, thus brings me to why i agree on Timothy on how there is no reason for a bad service.

Being in the service line where you meet different people from all walks of life during your working hours is where you should be ready (in my opinion) to make the best out of the situation in keeping the customers happy. No matter how much they are testing your patience. Yes. I do think that that is part of our job. There's no such thing, or place, for us to be all 'take it or leave it'. I think that's just taking things a little too personal. (p/s: Miss Vaneetha, so how bout a slight push for my PR grade? =D)

Back view of OC

How is it that some people could walk to a customer's table like they're all out to get you is beyond my understanding. Isn't that in the job description when you first applied? Rule No.1: Have to smile and be courteous to customers at all times even if all you want to do is stab them with their own fork.

I'm speaking as both a first hand customer and a waitress. Of course I would like to be served by a happy person. No, I don't want to see that look on your face as if your hamster just died. That is just plain unnecessary. As for the customers, it would be nice if they could be polite to their server. Generally speaking, you wouldn't want to talk/be talked to by someone who's face looked as if they're sucking a lemon which never seems to finish its taste do you? I think that's just unnecessary.

Like the other day when there was this slightly wacked out customer who was lashing out on me about how the people who were smoking were getting on her nerves. Erm.. lady, you did requested for a seat outside which i had clearly informed you that it is a smoking area and you declined my offer to seat you inside which is a non-smoking area so erm.. your complain really isn't making much sense to me. So do you want me to stop the others from smoking just so that you could continue with your meal in peace and pollution-free air? because then i would be eaten alive by the others as well for making a ridiculous request. btw, do you mind not yelling on at me because the last thing i need now is to have my hearing impaired just because youre having a bad day. oh and you wanna hear the story bout my housemate's dead hamsters and how they all died? i could even add in every single one of their sexually explicit names foc. =/

Though it has only been two months, but that doesn't mean that i haven't met my fair share of wacko customers now have i?

But i do have to admit that sometimes the customers do get a tad too much as well. Do they not understand that the server's job is to serve and the cook's job to cook? Although we run as a body/organization, but sometimes please be a little more considerate when your meal is running a little slow when the restaurant is obviously running on full steam already. We can't help it that everyone decided to all makan at the same time. Do you think we don't wish that we could take over the kitchen staffs place so that we could serve your meals within 15mins just so that we would not have to get our heads bitten off? Trust me when i say that it's best to leave the cooks to their job so that the hospital doesn't have to bring a stomach pump eventhough i do make a mean dish of mashed potatoes.

The point is that you have been informed before-hand that your orders will run a little late. Because then you can choose if you are willing to wait a little while or decide to try out another eatery. If we didn't, then it is our fault. But it would be nice if you could understand if we are so busy in keeping up with the others as well that it had slipped our mind to do so. Needless to say that it is our fault, but please don't make it harder for us than it already is. It would be nice to not be yelled at, but if you decided that there is a need to do it then, oh well. That's all i'm saying.

There are days when the place is so packed that the only thing you could think about is the hours more to go before the messenger/waitress/supervisor/miss may, notifies the customers that it would be the last order for the day *cue cheesy orchestra music*.

However, there are also days where we (waitresses) are on this psychadelic high in trying to clean out all the day's specials! You should see my friend Jane high 5ing everyone all the way from the customers's tables to the counter when something off the menu is sold. That woman's enthusiasm and commitment to her job is seriously infectious!

This whole whirlwind of an experience had indeed taught me how to be both a better customer and waitress. So people, smile lar everyone once in a while. =D

p/s: im always so tempted to add in a lame pun intended line of the joker asking "why so serious?" everytime i see a customer who looks like shes related to victor's hamsters (dead) but then there is this deafining silence in my head followed by a cyber nerd's annoying voice saying "awkwardddd" and then an image of miu miu pops into my head. *shifty eyes*

"I love my job. I love my job."

- Emily, The Devil wears Prada.

im karen.

got to know a new friend yesterday. well not exactly new. was in fact my classmate just that we never talked before this. wonder why was that...

so from one missed call it went on to a whole days worth of text messages. funny how things turn out sometimes. learned a couple of stuff as well. surprisingly, it actually went pretty well.

i really do need more people like that in my life. 

funny... =)

trying

every blog ive visited has been swarmed with pages long worth of resolutions and all that new year stuff and i was pretty tempted to do the same and then thought "maybe its best to leave that personal stuff in handwriting". =/

so heres a very mundane post about the days before the new year. recap people!

so erm.. couple of days before the big 09 i received a couple of messages from people ranging from party invites to just plain hanging out with random people. not really my idea of fun to end the year. work has been well.. work. but im not complaining. its a pretty good way to just step out from my comfort zone and earn some cash. even if it means putting up with a couple of wacked out people who decided to turn eating out into a lets annoy the shit out of these chinese waitresses and smack their faces with our fake engrisssssh accent fest. 

im complaining already arent i? 

so erm yeah.. just layan only lar.

and erm.. so i decided that i really wasnt in the mood to make small talks with random people by hanging out with a couple of friends and lisa's message couldnt  have come at a more perfect time. so it was just gonna be both of us being silly at starbucks with her laptop and just chillaxing there. just so you know, thats her in the previous post. 

i had a great time and who knows that it only cost two drinks to have so much fun. we had strange stares from people around seeing two person laughing in front of the comp with their mouths stuffed with serviettes (note: dont butcher me if i happened to spell that wrongly).

so erm what else eh?

we hung out for bout 3-4hours plus and then she dropped me off a lil past midnight since i was working the next day. and then i guessed i kinda pissed someone off for some reason. perhaps? i dont know.

i dont even know if i should be writing bout this. its kinda bugging me as much as i try to ignore it. 

which brings me to the topic bout those who are reading this. i know what they say bout how if youre gonna do this on the internet that you should be prepared that people are gonna read it somehow and lay their criticisms on it. 

i do realize that this IS a mundane blog. but it doesnt reflect my person as a whole. if im happy i just wanna go out there and enjoy it. which is why only the sappy posts are up. i find writing theraupeutic. not because im depressed ALL the time. i mean some people jot down bout their daily lives. some bout those happy moments. and im just doing the same thing, except bout different occasions. so does that makes me a self-centred person? at first i was so sure that i was being misintepreted. but now im really not so sure anymore. 

i guess to most of the people out there has this perception that a blog is supposed to be something which talks bout the excitement of life. bout how theyre living each day. well my apologies that i dont come across as that. not even close. but that doesnt mean that im not living my life. i just dont jot it down. what started out as a medium to rant out turned into something that is talked about for my lack of optimistic views. see how easy it is to be put out and judged just because you dont conform to their perceptions?

theres no need to remind me again about how boring this blog is. i hear it often enough to make me rethink if i should just shut this down once and for all. i mean seriously, if its upsetting then why carry on? then theres also the whole other thought of just doing what i feel comfortable with. just take everything as it is and not too personally.

i guess i just have to try harder at not trying to please everyone. i'll only end up losing more than i can afford. 

not a very optimistic and constructing post isnt it?

oh well...

Hedo from Springfield

Yo brader and sista! Phew weet~!

This post is dedicated to my loyal readers out there.

I am currently sitting next to a pro-Japanese Malaysian, Karen Kok Hisashi at Setarrbakso, Centrepoint Menara Tokyo di Jepun cerebwating the first day of toow jilo jilo nine.

Wokeh, I'm too nervous to type now since Miss Kok is molesting me. *shy*

あけましておめでとうございます (Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu) Don't get it? Google it!

Before I forget, AISHITERU Karen Kok Hisashi Hsi Hsi!

Been friends since Primary One, and our friendship is still going stronger :)

Oopsie! It's bart's sister here.

xoxo you know you lap me,
Lisa :D

the waitress

so this is how it feels like.

if i was handed a glass right now. this is what i'll do with it - without a doubt.

have been away for the last couple of weeks. been working.

its all good. 

you see all kinds of people;

some decent, but not all.

but its nice to be in this situation.

theres so much to learn.

every yell and every word sputtered;

theres always something ready to be extracted underneath all that wool.

am i happy?

indeed.

this is something that no amount of education could prepare you for.

maybe to a certain degree it does - perhaps.

how exciting!

people - hello!

sick

thank you lisa. =)

Placebo

there's a short row of names.
everyone's in it except you.
how much you meant in someone's life,
does that row signifies something?
pretending that it's just you and your mind.
you know and you just have to accept it.
it's as simple as that.
so what are you still waiting for?

evoke

at times like this, i realize that my mind is a lot stronger than my heart.

somehow i know.

walk

the problem with me is that i tend to overthink. no matter how much i try to avoid it, i will soon end up making back the same mistake before i can ask why. 

recently, this ridiculous habit finally took its toll and i had to pay a very painful cost. how much i wished that i could turn back time and lock myself in a room so that i wouldnt be able to do that damage. 

i wouldnt exactly say that i completely regret of the things that had happened. of course i am dissapointed at myself at the result of my habit, but then again, if i didnt make that mistake, i wouldve probably not realized how destructive to relationships it could be. 

trusting someone had never been easy. thoughout the years, i had always kept a distance from everyone i know. no matter how close we are. i hate myself for it. trust me. i really do. but then ive always thought that it doesnt matter much for its not like its hurting people around me. how wrong i was. 

for the past week, i 'forced' myself to just quit thinking and learn to trust and accept. but then in the end i couldnt take it anymore as it just wasnt me to not 'over-rationalise'. right now, im still paying the price for it. after all that has been said and done, i know that i can never undo that mistake that i did. all i can hope for is that i dont do anymore further damage to what seems to be already partially broken. i really cant afford to lose anymore than i already have. 

the more i get to know other people, the more i realize how ignorant i had been all these years. how narrow minded i was. how silly my thoughts were. i still do stand up for what i believe is right. but i need to give myself the time to really analyze if it IS truly right. and not get buried alive in the gravel of self-rightousness. its silly. 

im just holding on to the phrase: "time will heal all wounds". i just pray that it isnt too deep to the point of just a painful scar of my mistakes.

we are the water bearers

this whole feeling of independence

it pours in

smashing down walls of self-doubts

it drowns all fears

fear of loneliness

fear of sadness

fear of unhappiness

its liberating!

for the past couple of months, i had been so blinded by the current confusion in front of my eyes that ive forgotten about the essence that helped me survive till this day. it's time i brought them out of their cases. i miss this feeling. 

this feeling of being fearless. 

this feeling of taking risks.

this feeling of not stepping down without a fight.

this feeling of knowing that we dont foster weakness.

i miss the old me. ive been away from myself for far too long now. 

how much ive missed this warm embrace.

Saya Dibubuhi Tanda

1. The person who last tag you is: Fui Yin.

2. Your relationship with him/her is: Chilli-tuna-eating-in-math-class-at-14 classmate (for five years)... as classmates, not the tuna eating.

3. Your five impression of him/her: Sporty, Diligent, Persistent, Debater, Intelligent.

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you: Brought 'beng pei' mooncake from home coz i liked them so much. T.T

5. The most memorable thing he/she had said to you: Everytime she starts of her sentence with: "Ei Karen! Your kuan yin ma ar!!!" Whenever she's mad at her, she looks at me as if I'm actually related to this Goddess. T.T (Well IT IS memorable).

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will: Tell her that my impression towards lesbians went sour after Mdm Xin Fu. *shivers*

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be: To stop relating me with kuan yin ma. Though I know we look freakily alike in our Form 1 class photo. (You don't er chui lor fui yin. Don't think I don't know that you'll go and dig back our yearbook and laugh at it. T_______T).

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will: Convince her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father knows someone who owns the whole arsenal team.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be: Confess to her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father doesn't really knows anyone that owns the whole arsenal team.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is: Pick her up from her uni so that we could do some catching up. It's been more than 2 years already. T.T

11. Your overall impression of him/her is: Football fanatic. (I know it's not exactly the most personal thing to say, but that's to prove my point of us REALLY having to catch up!).

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! no... seriously.

13. The characters you love of yourself are: Independent, Curious, Opinionated.

14. On the contrary, the characters you hate of yourself are: Procrastination.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is: Multilinguist.

16. For people that care and like you, say something to them: You really like me? Thanks! Here, have some candies! Seriously, for those who care for me, you'll know that i feel the same for them just as well. =) You still want some candies?

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you:

• Chanz
• Derick
• Hiro
• Katrina
• Lee Yi
• Leo
• Leong
• Rave
• Sadikin
• Wen Lhi

*Updated*

18. Who is no.6 having a relationship with? (Leo):

No one at the mo. I think.

19. Is no.9 a male or female? (Sadikin):

A little bit of both. Hohoho.. Dont worry. Sadikin is a full-fledged male.

20. If no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing? (Leong and Wen Lhi):

CAN!!! ish ish ish.. Both also so er chui. Eh wait. But wen lhi is already taken so.. 

21. What is no.2 studying about? (Derick):

Making triangle shaped buildings. Architecture Science.

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.6? (Leo):

Erm.. Sunday? Which is bout 3 days ago.

23. What kind of music band no.8 likes? (Rave):

Thai and Cantopop. HAHAHA!!! (p/s: true story).

24. Does no.1 has any siblings? (Chanz):

One jie jie and one mei mei. Kaaaaaaaa....... =D

25. Will you woo no.3? (Hiro):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

26. How about no.7? (Leong):

Erm... Unfortunately he's already off limits.

27. Is no.4 single? (Katrina):

Does being in love with yourself counts as being in a relationship?

28. What is the surname of no.5? (Lee Yi):

Ah Lai. She has the best surname you can bully for a chinese. Hohoho..

29. What's the hobby of no.10? (Wen Lhi):

Being a sexpot, reading manga, day-dreaming, swimming, being an ever er-chuier sexpot.

30. Does no. 4 and 9 get along? (Katrina and Sadikin):

Yezzu yezzu.

31. Where is no.2 studying at? (Derick):

Limkokwing.

32. Talking something casually about no.1 (Chanz):

We love, hate, annoy, and yet need each other. It's a freaky symbiosis.

33. Where does no.9 lives at? (Sadikin):

Cyberia. The room beside the bathroom with funky lights.

34. What colour does no.5 likes? (Lee Yi):

Pink.

35. Are no.5 and no.1 best friends? (Chanz and Lee Yi):

They do know each other. They do plan pretty awesome birthdays which usually consists of Victor in a black garbage bag outside hotel rooms.

36. Does no.1 has any pets? (Chanz):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

37. Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world? (Leong):

*shifty eyes*

38. What is no.6 doing now? (Leo):

Catwalking around Nexus with a swollen eye and long face. And working.

Self-control

Control.

It's all bout control.

Then it'll be ok.

Beachcomber

A couple of months back I happened to come across a piece of seashell on the beach. I was immediately awed by its beauty even while standing on the sandy ground under the hot sun. I turned it to the left, then a little to the right, and back again to the left, it gleamed like a piece of precious stone in my palm.

I kept it in a box. It was my little secret. Long have I wanted to string it into a necklace but then there were the constant doubts of whether it should be worn like a piece of accessory. I wasn't sure if it was right for me. 

Days came and went just like that, until one day I decided to bring this little shell out of the box. Coincidental perhaps, but it managed to ward off some bad stuff that day. That night, I gazed at it admiringly for its make-believe mystical power. 

Next thing in the morning I will string it and wear it proudly for all to see! But little did I know that for the past months of this little habitat of a once living creature, had turned fragile after being away from the sea water for far too long. 

I was the happiest kid in town. Silly perhaps, but definitely on cloud nine with that piece of shell. I believed that with it, I no longer had to feel afraid of the evil powers around. I was safe. I felt protected. How delirious I was. 

After exactly a week, as I was blowing away imaginary specks of dust on it, I accidentally puffed a little too strong and it fell from my hands onto the cold tiles. It was smashed to smithereens. I wasn't prepared to lose it yet. I had only worn it for a week. It was too soon. Far too soon. I wanted it back. I wished I didn't try to clean it. Perhaps then it wouldn't have fallen onto the ground. At least I would still have it in my palms now. 

How much tears I have shed over that piece of shell I have no idea. All I knew was that I just wanted it back really badly. So much so that I was too paranoid to leave the house without it. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. Like I was going to be blown up by some wizard out of the corner or something. 

I tried to glue it back. But then I only made it worst. 

I looked at that piece of shell. At the mess I have turned it into. 

Was it still salvageable? I really don't know. Hopefully.

That night, I dreamt that I was back at that beach. The sun was still there baking everything it could reach with its beams. It was exactly the time when I first found that shell. Then I realized something. As I was walking nearer towards it, I was in fact stepping over and crushing other sea shells as well. There was a whole beach filled with them! From clam shells to sand dollars. 

As I woke up, I realized that the little piece of shell that I found was not the only one there is. 

I opened up the wooden box and looked at the damage that I've done earlier. Regretful I was. But I knew I shouldn't be too sad over it. Though shattered, I don't think I could bring myself to put it into the bin. It was afterall the very first piece that made me believe in magic all over again.

aqualung

Need to know 
I don't wanna know 
Already know 
I've seen the signs 
I watch you as you pull yourself away from me 

Can't believe 
I wanna believe 
How can i believe 
You're making me doubt 
I thought i knew you 
I don't even know myself 

I'm losing faith 
I'm losing all faith 

I wanna fight 
Afraid to fight 
Why don't i fight 
And make you see 
I hold my breath 
And disappear inside myself 

I'm losing strength, i'm losing all strength 

Don't ask me to start 
Ask me to start 
Just don't ask me to start again 
Start again 

I'm losing you

has been

i should have known from the start that this was all too good to be true. 

how could i have been so blind to it?

avoiding was only going to make things worse.

i really should have known better.

one day, 

the dust has to settle.

all i really want is to be happy.

just happy.

and contented.

that's just life

this feeling that is flowing in me right now is only all too familiar, and yet till this day i still couldnt find any words that could comprehend this raw sensation.

i told a friend something that i shouldve said a long time ago. throughout the months, the words just kept accumulating like sacred little rosary beads at the tip of my tongue, and yet i always managed to dry swallow them back inside when the moment comes. the once cold, hard pearly drops always manage to turn warm after being nestled for a little too long in the heat of my mouth. 

it happened this evening after i ran into the house from the pouring rain and came home to your messages. there was no use of keeping it in any longer.

they all flowed out like a pink-silverish stream of unguarded spirits out in the open. in a way im really glad that i did it. im glad that i told him that im not going to continue standing for this anymore. its not something that he could easily discard like how he did to the others. im not just some punchbag which you could throw a few blows at when youre pissed. i come with dignity. try giving a little respect.

theres no need for your reasons as they are just empty words to me. you shouldve thought about it before you did anything. the excuse about it being your habit has being used for one too many times. you dont have to apologize. and neither do i owe you an apology for not giving you yet another chance. what has been done cant be changed. we just have to move on with our lives and hopefully learn something from it. 

take care, my friend.

this guy makes my brain looks like it took a year's supply of laxatives.

mi, i think i lao sai-ed.. again.

i was going to write about something that made me really upset earlier today. then as i turned on a song so that i wouldnt have to type out this post in the silence, my ears started to pick up the lyrics of the song and i thought to myself, "is it worth wasting your time writing about some selfish person? its a waste of blog space! get a life!"

so here i am, putting this down to remind my friends who have been affected by this unnecessary drama for the past month plus. seriously people, just get a life!

he's going to be like this for as long as he wants to. theres really nothing that we could do. and nothing that we should be doing! so lets just do ourselves a favour and let him be. stop lying on the road and hiring a monster truck to run over our bodies 123897123142 times already!

people are gonna continue seeing him as an innocent fella.

people are gonna continue to believe that he is a nice person deep down inside.

people are gonna continue thinking that he REALLY is THAT simple.

this list will never end. but the most important thing is...

so what?

seriously. so what if hes a major anal case and still theyre gonna be people who buys into his shit?

seeing him miserable isnt gonna make us any happier.. for long. maybe for a while yea we'll be so effing liberated! but then another few months down the road and theres gonna be another anal case shoving him/herself up our bowel systems and causing more brain diarrhoea. theres a whole clan of this anal cases. theyre just never gonna stop reproducing. so we'll just have to live with the fact that theyre always gonna be around... somewhere!

its funny how one song can just... clear my head so thoroughly. hahahahahhahahaha...

have a nice day people! i know i will. =)

p/s: it's weezer's pork and beans. ;-)

pp/s: Acute diarrhea is a common cause of death in developing countries... In many cases of diarrhea, replacing lost fluid and salts is the only treatment needed. (wikipedia, 2008) SEE!!! even wikipedia agrees with me that these people kills us if only choose not to replace them with erm say... happier thoughts?

when you have a weekend to yourself with ah lai

have been recently down with the flu. makes me at the number one on the tree-huggers hit list. T___T

suddenly im missing my primary and high school friends so much. (read: ros, lisa, chanz). the times where the only thing we had to worry about was how to beat the other houses during sports day. boohoo...

on a lighter note however, things hadnt been a completely smooth ride. but thats alright, i know i'll get through it with probably some slight scratches and bruises here and there to say the least *pats self*

erm.. yea so im happy and still kicking!

thats all folks.

p/s: sorry for the random and short post. but will tire you guys with a longer and hopefully non-morbid post the next time when assignments are not up to my arsehulll.

have a great weekend! :-*

please pardon the one on the left.  your left not mine.

Alanis Morissette - You Learn

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

when i first saw you

i think it's funny how some people choose to live a life of hypocrisy. is it so hard to just let the truth out? or perhaps just tell a person what you really think, instead of talking one thing and acting another.

and the funniest is when a person is not even put in that position in the first place, but then 'volunterily' put themselves into that situation and pretend to be all into it. i dont know whether to feel sad for them for stooping so low and bringing the term 'pathetic' to a whole new level, or just pass them off as being... well, simply funny?

this life and the people living in it sure never ceases to amaze me.

=)

cold mornings

sleep deprivation and nicotine is not good they say.

i run my fingers along the row of books.

one.

two.

three.

i miss the feeling of rolling words on my tongue. blunt. crisp. its all too familiar.

its cold. so cold. but i refuse to give in. id rather just put on the green sweater. a weird mixture of detergent and fabric softener. your scent is no longer there.

sometimes i regret for washing it. but it was too painful to leave it lingering. i know how stubborn and bad i am when it comes to nostalgic things like this. i want to store all that reminds me of you in a dusty shoe box. i do. badly. but i know its harmful. it wont make a difference. you wont be coming back. youre there while im still here. as we know it. life.

i miss waking up to your quiet breathings. but you were never at peace. not even in your sleep. there was always a worried face. waking up by your side always reminds me of the dreamcatcher in my bedroom. what is in your head? the boogeyman? or those lonely christmas we promised would never come again?

but we both knew. we were never good with keeping promises. how much ive missed you.

how much longer?

so much had happened in this short period of time. at times i really wish that i could just give up on all this. just turn my back on all this. just pack up and leave.

no matter how much i try to just shut my eyes and ears on all that is going on, its almost impossible. i cant stand there and just see people i care about getting hurt this way. i hate being in this kind of situations. i hate knowing anything. i hate being there but wishing that i werent. i hate that im not strong enough to say that enough is enough.

sometimes i would rather choose to be selfish. then perhaps i wouldnt be in this situation.

i did try. i really did. i tried to shut my ears but the knocks on the door is just too much at times. no matter how long the songs are playing it still cant completely drown those knocks. then i hear it getting softer. so faint that i have to strain my ears to make sure if its still there. it is. its faint but its existence is too visible to be ignored.

its scary to think how ones irresponsible decision could cause so much chaos amongst their friends. its strong enough to even bring strain among the strongest of bonds.

after that night when i realized that theres only so much one can do to help, i thought that things would start to look up. but then it hasnt. apparently some people just dont get it.

as i was looking at the rolled up paper burn my troubled mind away, i realized that perhaps its time to stop. call me selfish, but i need to watch out for myself just like what the others are doing. theres no point getting hurt for nothing. there really isnt any logic in that. and i dont think its really worth all those sleepless nights.

i just hope that im doing the right thing. perhaps this is whats best for me and my sanity.

hop bunny hop!

im so pissed that im literally lost for words! how do i put this down? its as if im fucking pissed and yet im pissed at myself for even feeling pissed! seriously i have to stop being so immature at times. but then that swig which burned my throat on its way down told me that it was okay to hate people sometimes. it was like the little brown bunny. im just following it back into its little hiding where people splash each other with sins and smoked on unfiltered cigarettes. it all looks so lovely from up here. maybe i'll just take a quick peek and leave. just a really quick one. count to ten and i'll be out of there!

one.. two.. three.. four.. five.. six.. seven.. eight.. nine.. ten.. eleven.. twelve.. thirteen lil bunnies.. fourteen lil bunnies.. fiften lil bunni....

i knew that i should never be trusted around them brown bunnies.

Something Inside

a couple of weeks back as I was on the bus back to segamat, i was looking out the window since my eyes and brain refused to give in even for 30mins. as the journey drew nearer to the end, things began to look more familiar - the chinese medical hall uncle who used to give me a lolly everytime dad brought me there to get some cough syrup on our trip up to kl, the police station which I used to wonder if there were really officers on duty inside since the gate was always locked, the road which I fell asleep during one of my first few driving lessons and nearly drove right into a palm plantation.

i thought back about how i used to anticipate those trips to aunt fay's place - meaning another weekend away from the family. it reminds me of how i used to carry myself before and now. i was a different person back then. i was the kid who always had the need to seek approval from the others. not my peers, but the elders. there was always an annoying thing about me who always had to prove myself to the adults. like i was some kinda prodigy or something. i fed and grew fat from those praises. i was like a kid who took spoonfuls of these honey and store them all in a a dusty old shoe box hidden under my bed - there were for my emergencies. everytime something goes wrong, i just take one of these spoons and lick off some honey. every flick of the tongue sends an orchestra of angels singing hymn in my head. it kept me fat. it kept me sane.

as i grew older, people come around to tell me that i could write well - academically; just for pleasure.

"i wish i could write like you!"

but what's there to be envious about? perhaps by a stroke of luck i did manage to get my word vomit out in a more 'appealing' manner. but how long does that last? why do you think i rarely blog these days? isnt it obvious enough that im no clarence day?

all these words i have in my head are like trails of rainbows. people follow it in hoping that there will be a pot of gold in the end; to find something extraordinary and genius. how dissapointed they will be. maybe thats why i write so little now. im afraid to dissapoint. im not ready to accept the looks im going to get when these people reach the end of that rainbow where there isnt any gold. maybe thats why i path the trail so slowly. hoping that the trail will not end anytime soon - so they wont see the mountain of painted gravel.

it feels like all i have are just a handful of gravel - painted with the leftover paints discarded by the minds of others - the true artists.

im lacking of colours and paints.

even gravel these days.