i am a chinese

勇往直前

je'taime mrs lai's cooking and bahau food

couple of weeks back, leeyi invited me over to her brothers wedding in her hometown. i know it sounds weird and all and how i was gonna turn up looking like a whole walking talking wedding crasher. hahahahahahha! i sort of had my doubts of having a great time and not feeling awkward but then that part of me who just wanted to dress up and meet up with leeyi after she left for perth and have nice food and mingle around with aunty-aunties kinda took over the part of feeling like a whole walking talking wedding crasher hahahahhaha wow this is a long sentence so heres a period.

but it was really fun! especially when i got to meet up with leeyi, leo and VICTOR after such a long time! but the part where it was the most enjoyable was probably where the three of us were walking around in our house clothes helping her parents with the preparation because as we all know only those who are really close with the wedding people get to walk around looking like crap and house clothes coz thats how we roll yo HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

in these three wonderful days, i was reminded of how truly blessed i was for having friends who still treats me like a million bucks eventhough im walking around damn confidently amongst all the dressed up relatives and aunty-aunties with my mr delicious tshirt with bite me on the back. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! like how we still love leo like a million bucks eventhough he looks absolutely ridiculous in some poor girls slippers with a huge ass lady bug on the straps and how we still love victor although he practically turned up (and stayed that way) wearing an XS singlet and board shorts and talking to little girls like a pedophile ("wow! youve got pretty big boobs for a 14 y/o girl) and wiping the chairs and working it like a lap dancer and reminding us every 2minutes about how hes gonna lap dance to all the uncle-uncles in front of their wives singing lady gaga's monster (he ate my ASS. he ate ate ate my ASS). yes despite all these we know we'll still love each other like a million bucks or even more like how we love a good bowl of hakka ham cha.

and let me tell you this people. lai lee yi's mother cooks the most amazing hakka ham cha and homemade kaya! its sooooo good that it deserves more than one 'o'! and the kaya is so good that i kept returning to the table for kaya! coz throughout the night i was just taking the kaya and eating them off the plate like how i would do to a bottle of peanut butter, and leeyi's popo saw me taking the kaya and she told me to take more of the dumplings that were supposed to go with the kaya and i just pointed at the otak-otak (which were also wrapped like the dumplings) on my plate and said "oo ok yea there! ive taken them already" and sheepishly walked back to our table hurhurhur.. i cant stop talking about mrs. lai's cooking lar. i just came back to pj in less than a day and im already missing it. T___T

leeyi really is the luckiest girl to have such a great family! eh im not patronizing ok! its true! her sisters are memang damn sporting! thank you miss lai for bringing me for supper after the wedding dinner and scrouging around the kitchen for snacks when i kept saying that im still hungry hurhurhur. i really cant help it that my stomach is a bottomless pit. she even took out a packet of bak gua (pork jerky) and told me to makan and dont have to shy shy and i thanked her by saying so nice lar your kitchen because in december also still got bak gua. i know i sounded like a total pig but as you all should know, quaint little hometowns are memang kryptonite to my diet plans. fml.

and then this morning around 8something while we were waiting for 2nd miss lai to wake up and go back to pj together, leeyi's dad asked us if we wanted to have milo or anything and i said its ok lar uncle. maybe later. its not because i was shy but because i needed my regular dose of caffeine and savoury malaysian-style breakfast. im not a milo-drink-for-breakfast kinda girl. for goodness sake you look at my tummy then you sure can tell ady one lar but maybe leeyi's dad wasnt paying attention on my tummy so he couldnt tell what kind of breakfast person i was. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!! uncle lai im just kidding ok? 

see lar. i really miss bahau so much already.

thank you lai lee yi and your lovely (do people still use this word? HAHAHAHAHA) family. i really enjoyed myself immensely during my stay there. =)

split personality

ive been feeling very dr jekyll and mr hyde-ish for the past couple of weeks. very much.

who are we?

since the beginning of the semester, ive been thinking of doing something that i probably would never think of doing at such an early stage of my life. thats where it remained; just a thought.

it was not until recently that i decided this was something that i really should put into action. so far, i had only shared this plan to three of the people whom i have known to be the most sensible and logical of the others - uncle shane, leo and wei kiat. it did come off pretty surprising even to me when they supported it. i guess part of me was thinking that perhaps its too crazy as well, though i avoided myself from pondering too long upon it as i didnt want this to be another case of overthinking and it ends up not happening at all.

theres this friend of mine, derick, whom ive known for more than a decade. we call each other our AA partners. we have this connection where it gets pretty scary at times. hes the kind of friend who you hardly keep in touch with, but the phone always rings when youre at a crossroad; now this is the scary part, we always land at the same crossroad at the same time.

the day before yesterday, he called me out of the blue as he wanted some opinions about this paper that he was doing about the machu picchu civilization. it started with:

how would you define humanity?

and it churned out hours worth of discussion about how we as humans, are always seeking for more in life when we already have an abundance, and how we are always dissecting things around us in hoping to discover more. is this just a mere quest for knowledge and material wealth? or does it go deeper than that? is it an act of our own insecurities in the inability to know ourselves and our own culture that we need to "rectify" this situation but trying to understand others and their culture?

such is life. we are constantly in search of the truth, but to know that truth is relative, therefore this is also to say that truth doesnt really exists. so what is it we are seeking for then?

we each shared a story regarding this question. his was the indian fable of murugan and ganesh circling the universe, and i, the experimental ideology of putting three men in a cave by aristotle.

we realized a flaw within the range of definitions of humanity and civilization that was already written in texts; there were mostly evolved within the context of art, language and culture, and based from the author's point of view. so this is to say that he was defining it based on his reality. but how could this definition be comprehended by the rest when our visions on what reality differs from the next person? this great civilization in peru for example, there were no records in writing anywhere, and yet we know so much about it; is that why we know and therefore able to justify it as a great civilization? and is this to say that if we never knew anything about them except for their architecture that has stood against the test of time, they are therefore uncivilized? such a paradox isnt it?

after our conversation, i started thinking that perhaps im more of a murugan than a ganesh. i need to literally go around the universe instead of just encircling my parents; as much as i hate to admit it, i know that they are not my universe. (now i feel like si tanggang T__T).

as the days draw nearer, i am more and more terrified if this plan is going to work out. im constantly put into fear with my minds what ifs. albeit all these fear and excitement, i know that it is something i should do. perhaps unknowingly, i am 生在福中不知福. all this while i had always been so sure that i wasnt one. but now as my mind slowly see things clearer, i realized that they are traits in me which points directly to that proverb.

although im not sure what would happen after ive taken this step. whether or not i would come back an improved version of me, that is left in the hands of God. but the one thing that im sure of right now is that i have to put myself out there in order to come back as a more appreciative person for the people and things that i have around me.

vital information for everyday life

produk ini mengandungi lebih 4, 000 bahan kimia termasuk tar, nikotina dan karbon monoksida yang membahayakan kesihatan.

translated version:

this product contains more than 4, 000 chemicals including tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide that endangers health.

now i know.

ok thank you.

unsent letter

everyday in life we make choices and decisions. sometimes good sometimes not so good and whichever it is we have to move on. its scary when you think about how some not so good decisions could either be brushed off casually as we live on to another day or it could be in a way 'life altering'.

if we were to take the time to ponder upon our past decisions, in one way or another, it lives with us for the rest of our lives. sometimes even us realizing it. the person we are today, the place we are in right now, the life that we are living, are made up of the accumulation of our past decisions.

however, does that mean we have to be extremely cautious before we make each and every decision from here on?

like how you had decided on this. no one really did or even try to stop you did they? they all knew it was your life and yours only. there really wasnt much to be said. they knew that you were old and wise enough to decide upon your range of choices.

do you stop for a day to think if it was the wisest?

the choices that came after you chose that route; have you ever paused at an intersection of your life to look back at the people youve had to step upon to get where youve gotten at today? has it even crossed your mind to take a short halt? or do you just live by the motion of not looking back and just moving on?

somedays i wished you were still there. the old boy we used to know. the kid whom we used to run around with. the one who stole car keys and drove all the way without a care of our child-like reckless behaviour. its so easy to just leave - the whats and weres of our past years. so easy indeed.

some of us instead just sit and type out long unimportant unsent letters.

its awfully easy to take what we had and have for granted. we are always so careless of the things that comes so easily into our destructive hands. perhaps thats what we were and will be, destructive by nature. even we dont realize it. we have been so comfortably nestled all these years that we dont even think of how are we going to deal with the grief when these little things slowly slip through our fingers, like the billions of sand we have allowed to just get blown and thus taken away by the ever changing wind. every single day. thats how much we've lost in the short period of time.

this beating machine of mine. it is such a funny thing. it beats for every joyous occasions and the little shortcomings along the way. but it never changes it beat. its rhythm. it still beats for the things that has been hurting it for the past countless years. and yet it still beats whenever the opportunity comes for a short but happy reunion. it choses to be dillusional. you see, to be dillusional is sometimes an option. one that could bring temporary happiness, but nevertheless, still a piece of joy. it beats for that then. and it will still beat for that now. or even in the future.

recently it has been hiccuping. more than the usual. what if one day it decides to stop? what if one day its plug is pulled? will it still believe that it is still beating for the same reasons? only that it is no longer physical. is that how it will be in the coming days?

if only it knew how.

when i really should bury my nose back into media law which is on the top of my list of things to burn come november 21st.

hello people! hows everyone with their mugging for their coming finals? HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.. i cant believe i just asked that to an empty room.

anyways, heres wishing leeyi, victor, angelin, chanz, john, anne, karwoon, and to all those that i didnt mention all the best in the coming exams! im sure you guys will do well lar but still its nicer to put it in words here right? hahahahhaha..

so, this past two weeks havent been the best but then it always catches me by surprise when i least expect it to. amidst all of the depressing days, im suddenly getting phone calls from people at night whom i havent spoken to for ages. :') i have to keep reminding myself to focus on all the blessings in disguise really. that and all the little treasures of the friends i still have who still hasnt gotten sick of my shit yet. hahahhahaha.. i love you all.

i was gonna write bout something but then i think i should keep that for when i have more time to do mindless shit like updating this blog. hahahhahaha...

oklarbabai and good luck with the coming papers.

dizzy dancing and ice cream castles

this is gonna be an extremely short post i promise!

*shy mode on*

im blushing now and therefore yes this is me being ridiculously girly.

*shy mode off*

i cant believe that this guy that i used to have the hugest crush on had been leaving comments here and there around my blog for the past few years.

*shy mode on*

im so hopeless when it comes to musicians.

lead guitarists especially.

*shy mode on permanently*

1 9 6 9 what's the sound?

i was just looking through all my previous posts and realized that there were actually quite a number which never made it out of their drafting stage. most of them was when i first started blogging which was around 2004, and when i first started out my uni life.

theres a huge gaping difference the way i was then and now. few years back, the written posts were left as drafts because i wasnt too sure if i really wanted others to be reading about such intimate details of my life. this time around, i dont even bother blogging about it anymore. writing back then was such a liberating activity. now it feels like such a chore.

i really miss how i was more idealistic back then. how i allowed my mind to wander into whatever realms which it fancied and dared to venture into. it never came across that an imaginative mind was something to be shunned.

now i really do feel like such an old haggard soul. i keep creating barricades and concrete walls around this restless mind. creating boundaries. disciplining it. almost like enforcing it with military rules.

ive put the mind back into a box and shut the lid.

ive turned myself into a coward.

hmm..

maybe one of these days i'll post up an unpublished post when i had my heart broken for the first time. really brings back so much memories. =)

angsty post number two : 2 : dos : èr : 二 : dua.

please just get out of my face.

please.

my sanity and kidneys and ovaries would be eternally grateful if you would just get out of my face.

thank you very much.

xièxiè.

谢谢.

when your urine is filled with salt. dehydration. so dont drink your pee when youre thirsty.

"grow a fucking brain!"

ever had someone scream that at you? yea. me neither.

realize how people are always remembering you for your mistakes or screw ups? what about those times when you didnt screw up? they dont recall that do they?

what is it that im looking/asking for? an approval? recognition for what ive done? or perhaps just the mind wondering why is it that people only remember what youve done wrong instead of what youve done right?

when i close my eyes, i could see myself in one of these scenes where we watch on tv. those where a person is standing still while everything around them just zooms in the speed of light. kinda like a scene of this stage play that i watched when i was 15. its called the beacon of light or something. it was pretty crappy for a college production. i dont know. maybe i was just trying to be smart/thought that i was smarter than that.

ever tried typing something that sounds logical with a coherence while your ears are being buried with loud music? its pretty interesting. its like your mind is being stopped at red lights every couple of seconds. hahahhaha.. mind jam. marmalade. rasberry?

as i saw your number the other day. my mind spaced out. like the image of a man-made satellite floating in space. but in reverse mode. and fast. it was pretty surreal.

im such a girl sometimes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

no that wasnt me laughing. just tapping hard on H and A.

thats right.

you just wasted 2 minutes of your life reading this.

2 minutes.

thats right.

switch

since when did i approve of allowing this to happen? im so angry right now that its not even funny. im so angry that i cant even write! this is me lying my head on the bar top, starring into the almost glaring screen amidst this darkness and continue repeating step 1 and 2 till anger subsides.

all i really wanna do is throw in the towel and think fuck this shit but then i know myself better than that.

its so pathetic that i have to concentrate on my breathings to keep myself collected. its even more pathetic to be museuming this anger here.

you know what?

fuck this shit.

this is it

i'm falling out of love.

lorelix04

I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.

I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.

I'm falling out of love.

-anonymous

from here

when being yourself just isnt gonna work anymore.

at this moment, i dont want to be here.

at this moment, i dont want to be seen or heard.

at this moment, i dont want to be anywhere near anything or anyone.

at this moment, i just want to stop being myself.

the day i realized that my dad is not always right.

for the past couple of weeks, i was at the point where there were a lot of conflicting thoughts running through my head. i was trying to figure out what was that lost ingredient that was causing all these confusion. tried recalling the theories that were passed on by the adults when i was younger. everything was perfect to a tee but still the jarring gap was just too profound to be left unnoticed. there was just so much anger and confusion and hatred and even the feeling of indifferent at times which led to even more frustration and confusion. this is getting confusing but just try to stay with me here.

anyways, it took me a very loud and tears to laughter filled conversation with two good friends to make me realize what it was. im in fact laughing to myself as im writing this. for some reason, in the midst of all those love advices we were throwing around at each other, it suddenly reminded me of how i used to be when i was a kid.

back in kindergarten up till i was eleven, i used to be a feisty kid who was a teachers nightmare. one thing that they hated most was how i was always filled with opinions that cant be contained. i remember when i was five, i was the mc of my kindergarten's award presentation day. during the rehearsal, my principal turned off the switch on our mics. thinking that it was off by mistake, of course i turned it back on. my principal was taken by surprise when my voice filled the empty hall and ran towards me to turn it off again. i then told her that it was supposed to be on and she insisted that i turned it off to the point that she started raising her voice at me. *pauses to laugh at how young i was in my own head and ok back to the story* i have no idea how do i remember stuff like this but i somehow do and this is what i explained to her and im not kidding! "but then if we tried without the mics turned on, how would you know if its gonna sound right tonight?" HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! ok i probably said something like "how would you know if its correct" instead of "gonna sound right" but i was five back then so the 21 year old me has the right to change that like how we would for grammar simpatico ok. but let me tell you this, i remember how the principal didnt explain to me why there wasnt the need to turn it on and just told me to do as she said. i bet i was an annoying kid back then! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!

oh and there was this other time when i was in primary one meaning i was seven and there was this relief teacher who came for english coz miss abraham was on mc and she was teaching us about numbers and she was really crazy because she wrote this on the board:

14 - Fourteen

15 - Fiveteen

despite the fact that she or the board of education was probably on crack when they put her through as a teacher, i was probably on even more crack for telling her this in front of the whole class, "excuse me teacher, i don't remember whats the correct way for that number but im very sure its not fiveteen. it sounds something like fiveteen because it starts with an 'F' also but its not fiveteen". HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i swear that was exactly what i said you know why? coz my mom taught me all i had to know about numbers when i was five and i kept trying to recall what was it my mom said bout 15 when i was still using that colourful dinosaur school bag. you see thats how i recall periods of my life, through a distinct song or object. anyways, the teacher then scolded me "if youre so clever then why dont you come in front and teach instead. *points at 15* this is FIVETEEN and if you think its wrong then you can stand on your chair while copying this *points at greenboard* from the blackboard*". and you know why i said i was on serious crack? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! because i corrected her that its a GREENboard and then was sent out of class to copy it from the corridor through the window. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! guess what i did next? i left it blank and when miss abraham came back the next day to mark our exercise books, she scolded all of us for being so stupid to write FIVEteen and then corrected her that its FIFteen. and i was so happy that i jumped up from my seat *remember that she was still angry at this point!* and said out loud, "oh ya its FIFTEEN! thats what i told the teacher but then she scolded me so loud and chased me out from the class to copy from the greenboard from the corridor through the window". miss abraham laughed and then said that i wouldve got it right if i practised what my mom taught me. i defended myself saying that my mom taught me that when i was five so i couldnt remember things from THAT long ago and she told me to just admit that i was lazy for not practising.

the way i remember stuff that i remember is crazy i tell you!

and i nearly forgot the whole point of this post. HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! oh yea bout how my dad is not always right. hahahhahahha!!! anyway, this outspokenness to what i think is not right made me extremely unpopular among the kids and typically stupid teachers who for some ridiculous reason hated me for speaking up. and i used to complain to my parents bout it and my dad always reminded me to lay low and "not everyone likes the person who knows the right thing. so just lay low and keep what you know to yourself and just let them continue being wrong. at the end of the day, fighting back will only leave you at the losing end". lets face it, of course there were racial remarks inserted as well but lets leave that out of here.

so what im saying is, the things that i remember is really crazy. and how i hold on to them is even crazier. my dad probably meant well when he said those stuff. he was probably trying to teach me how to protect myself but didnt know how to explain them to a kid. of course i only have myself to blame because even when im already 21 now, i really shouldve had more brains to actually analyze those words than to take them as they are.

but its still funny now that ive figured out where and when i left that feisty and loud-mouthed chubby kid. now that ive found her, i sure hope i dont lose her again! =D

p/s: and this is to you for being such a jerk for the past few months. please get over yourself. it really wouldve made more sense if i had blonde hair and talked with the word "like" in a bimbotic manner after every three words and made every statement slurred up like a question at the end.

1, 2, 3 wont you come and play with me?

remember those days where each one of our school mates had a role in the play of school politics? one thing that i learned a couple of days back was that people resume that play long after they had left their school ground. the players and roles might have changed but the play still remains the same.

you have the the boss (teacher), manager (teacher's pet), trouble makers (still trouble makers, except that this is in the working field), and the passive ones (those who watch and chip in their two cents every once in a while). back in our school days, the teacher's pet played the role of the mole who reports back to the teacher of how the students are behaving and all that. They know that the other students are aware of the role they play, and they (teacher's pet) try to be part of the them (students) without being in the bad books of the teacher at the same time - being everyone's best friend without having to compromise their relationship with either party.

i remember a girl back in my secondary school who played the role of the teacher's pet. we knew fairly well that she's been the one informing the teacher about everything that went on in our own little class politics. she then tried to be on our good side by constantly making petty remarks about that teacher as well. we all know that play pretty well dont we?

somehow its just funny as i was watching the whole drama 'unfold' the other day just reminded me so much of high school.

so dont blame me when im being put in that position of being the middle person of both parties and the only words you'll get from me is 'i dont know'. not exactly the best way, i know. but it sure saves everyone a heck load of unnecessary drama.

lunch comes with pork.

www.slipandslidee.blogspot.com

go there for happy clappy posts. its very karerfoooor i promise!

robots 1 humans 0

26 July 2009: angry, resigned, and defeated.

27 July 2009: a brand new day.

breakfast with the fam

its not everyday i get to wake up at 7.30am and see the awesomeness of sunrays shining this way into our living room

by 8am it was already THIS bright! cool beans!

more awesome pics of sun

sunrays make cool pics. even cooler than pics of sunrays taken at your house.

trees and plants taken in vivid are cool too

notice how my camera takes blur pics of uninteresting things (cute little girls included) but never misses images of awesome chinese food? note: char siew pao =)~

i swear that kid was an attention hogger. luckily my camera was cool enough to not focus on her (so that makes it even cooler than your camera). lady taking our order of wu kok. p/s: i really couldve just said yam balls but the idea of my surname in there just made it impossible to resist. now say it fast 17times. wu kok not yam balls cheater!

dont underestimate their size. they may be small but their horridness is more than 28times its size! thats how bad they are.

yao char kuey (fried fritters) with fish filling inside and smothered with mayonnaise + salad cream. this will probably clog up every single artery and causes an immediate heart attack but they are to die for! parents hated it though. why do they have weird taste? =/

karen, eat us..

karen, eat uss.. again..

eat usss..

"eat ussss.. ngaummmm!"

this is good artery clogger, said katrina.

she was saying something boring and he was just looking bored. i think.

probably still torturing the man with her overly-used lame jokes. the man still looking bored.

woman is pissed coz no ones laughing at her random jokes (very very poor attempt at humour). woman is always doing the same thing everytime we go for breakfast.

the man behind dad is not our regular stalker. will show pics of said regular stalker some other time.

eat me..

eat mee..

eat meee..

eat meeeee..

eat meeeeeee..

eat meeeeeeeee..

eat meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..

please eat us already!

-the end-

if you've been anticipating for an update from this blog then stare at the image below for 47seconds for intensive mind stimulation.

you don't know psycho until you've seen psycho (no it's not the movie). hint: three letter word - begins and ends with the letter "M" and rhymes with "numb". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!fml.

Time

He who learns must suffer, and, even in our sleep,

pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart,

and in our own despair, against our will,

comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

- Aeschylus

1001 words to laughter.

that 3 seconds,

it reminded me of your silliness.

total randomness;

youre a donkey,

thats what you said everytime i laughed.

how long has that been?

your stupid comment always made me self-conscious. it never failed to make me wonder if i really sounded like a donkey. i remember trying to control myself. to force myself to laugh politely - ladylike, that's what they call it over here. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! i think it was even more disastrous! i had to force myself to unfunnysize everything that i felt was funny. and if you know me, EVERYTHING is funny to me. T___T well not everything exactly, but my brain always has a way to make it funny. i think this is the effect of being introduced to tony buzan before you enter primary one.

so where was i?

oh yeah. bout me trying to feminize my laughter. urm.. yea.. that didnt go so well. i think you saw that coming. so you told me to just go "i'd rather see you laughing like a donkey".

hahahahhaha.. i nearly forgot the point of this story. HAHAHAHAHHA... at your expense suckers!

so yea.. that day you told me that i laughed like a man because of my sore throat. well to be more precise, you actually said "can you at least TRY not to laugh while youre already sounding like a man".

so leeyi and victor, i know youre gonna miss my donkey laughter so much once youre gone. maybe leeyi will be glad that she got rid of what she deems as YALAR! YOU LAUGH UNTIL DAMN ANNOYING YOU KNOW OR NOT?!! im sure she'll secretly miss it when we're not geographically close anymore. hurhurhur.. and victor, i know you will miss this as much as i - everytime we end our loud and annoying laughter with WOOOHOOOOO!!! or sometimes WHEEEEEEHIUUWWWWWW!!!.

oh yea the point of this story is, we must laugh when we're at the airport! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! wtf.

project happyness

to sleep all day

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

to wake up and feel the sunshine on my face

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

with friends

we laugh and dance

jumping and reaching for our dreams

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

all i want is

to infinite this.

thank you (you know who you are)

thank you for all the memories.

glitch

they rush in colonies

like ants marching towards sweetness

a finger is put

a plastic ruler even

anything around us

blocking their little trail

unseen

a mark is made

running

running

to stop is not a possibility

in what we know as our path

how fickle minded

gullible

fragile indeed

from brown bunnies

to little white fluffs

drugged

how addictive indeed

to know that we're that fragile

cheap china in our own hands

an endless trail

a bottomless pit even

name it anything we want

anything the mind says

anything at all

a square

or circle

figments of an attempt at poetic depression

as we know it

another meaningless tragedy

like little corpses ran over

our own mechanics

its all in us.

Jay Aye Dee E Dee : jaded

i wish i were

but i know im not

unless

sacrifices were made

fatal sacrifices

the more i see

the worse i feel

and i know it wont go away anytime soon

why?

thats just the way it is

nose bleeds.

prozac

to be dependant is a blissful yet scary feeling. being answered to a dialing tone is something that i fear extremely. what has happened to me? it didnt used to be this way. there was always peace in writing and reading. right now my mind has made it a burden. an extremely tiring and exhausting burden. what has happened? it just didnt used to be this way. a first after such a long time, im seeing myself turning into someone dependant. and to know that there isnt one singled out person that i could fully rely on makes it even more painful and scary. what has happened? it definitely didnt used to be this way. im looking at myself getting more lost and confused each day. i want to stop this. but i just cant seem to find a way to do it. why am i still hanging on to this ghost? knowing very well that it cant go on this way. what used to be the solution is now shadowing who i really am inside. its as if im slowly losing myself in a whole new realm that i swore against from the very first time i recognized it. looking in that thin piece of silver and being mocked back. anything but welcoming. what has happened? 

its definitely not the cold of the night.

maybe all of us are just the same - wolves without a tail.

this thing called jealousy.

its a crazy feeling.

it turns your very core against all thats in its way.

it feeds off every nubile emotion in you.

its an avalanche of unspoken sins.

we just dont talk about it.

but it doesnt mean we dont feel it.

my mind is telling me to fight it off.

stop it before it consumes you

another part of me is questioning if i really want to.

paranoia.

do you enjoy having tuna in a can for dinner? doesn't that sentence itself overflows with awesome fishy goodness?

you know how our ears and brain are connected?

i'll let you in on one secret;

i could disconnect mine.

don't ask me how.

i just can.

photographic evidence on me obtaining special powers.

im in a very distraught mood right now.

this crazy month-long hiatus is already taking its toll on me.

both physically and mentally.

you know how some people go crazy skinny when theyre stressed out.

well im a living evidence of something that defies the law of physics/stress.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

trust me when i say that if i had that kind of mas selamat power,

i would definitely use it to make it so much easier for you.

don't have to scream it in my ears.

using that kind of powers on you would be a simple gesture of thank you very much.

are you blinded by my awesomeness already? if not kindly touch your eyeballs to your screen.

chamomile tea

you said it

she.

perhaps it will be easier to just move on.

i should keep my brain back in its box now.

heart?

it'll now what to do from here.

it always does.

my pretty chameleon.

she and my face.

theatre.

I am

we always strive to look at things "as a bigger picture" but then sometimes we tend to lose track of the finer details.

balance, they say.

places change.

nations develop.

we all change eventually,

don't we?

it's a true challenge to keep our passion, dreams, and our principles alive along the journey.

it's not easy. but it's not impossible either.

Perfection

As idealistic humans who walk the face of the earth since the beginning of civilization, we will constantly find ourselves on the infinite search for perfection. For the female race, in one way or another, there will be a time where we will seek and thus chase after perfection in body image. Perhaps not for all, but i believe in todays modern society where we are being slapped with advertisements, shows and what-not on an almost daily basis, the path to that "beacon" is what most of the female population is aiming towards - even if it means risking it all.

However, does this so-called perfection truly exists?

During my early teenage years, I was one of those who believed that if i had that 'perfect body', everything else would be easy peasy.

"If I had the perfect body, I wouldn't be single".

"If I had the perfect body, I would have a rich and handsome boyfriend who would spoil me with all the luxuries he could afford".

"If I had the perfect body, my teachers would excuse me for not doing my work".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be going out and mixing around with more people everyday".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be happier because I don't have to worry about what others will see me as".

I could go on and on about how delusional I was (and still am at times) and there's really only one reply I could tell myself if I was my age right now back then - WTF?!!!

See how I restricted and scared the heck out of myself because I didn't have the 'perfect body'? How crazily delusional I was for believing that everything would be ladeeda~ if I was a size 0? PSYCHOTIC!

Instead of making me happier, it made me struggle with eating disorder for more than five years.

Instead of making me happier, I stopped enjoying food and became best friends with the toilet bowl. *hello jamban! how have you been?* T______T

Instead of making me happier, it turned me into a sneaky rat who lied my way around having to put food into my mouth and making people believe that I was normal. *nolar mrs goh. im not bulimic or anorexic. i just happen to work out alot lar. hahahahha..* (yaaaaaaaaa... energy come from where ar? drink petronas primax ar?) T_________T

Instead of making me happier, I was too busy fainting and having dizzy spells to attend school like the others. *hello minyak cap kapak! did you miss me?* T____________T

Instead of making me happier, I fell deeper and deeper into the extreme obsession with the figures on the measuring tape and weighing machine.

Like I had said, the list is endless.

Back then, I was so experienced with all the weight issues and eating disorders that I even managed to write a script for my high school's choral speaking group which contributed in us emerging as champions. *like that also proud. wtf.* T________T

Those that has been mentioned were just an iota of the whole five years ride of torture. Come and buy me a drink and we can sit down and i'll tell you the whole story. Story telling time by Aunt Karen. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyway, I'm talking about this now because I want to be the next Oprah Winfrey who wants to help all those out there who's struggling with eating disorder and hopefully inspire them to realize that the only way to get out from it is by loving and accepting ourselves for who we truly are - perfect. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA... nolar. damn geli when i read back this paragraph. fml. ok maybe not the part of wanting to be Oprah (actually its true HAHAHHAHA), but I do sincerely hope that people will one day learn to love and accept themselves for who they truly are and not the figures on a piece of machine. Unless you calculate your bmi and you're obese then it would be advisable to cut back on the junk food and start exercising and the formula to calculate is weight(kg)/height(m) x height(m) and if it's 18.5 and below that means you should have more cupcakes and if it's 18.5-25 that means you're normal and ish damn long ok just go and google it and don't be so lazy lar.

Are you inspired now? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!

I'm not putting all the "HAHAHAHHAs" to mock you who are reading this ok! (as if there's THAT many people reading) *in denial of the non-existant number of readers* T_____T

It's just me and my nervous laughter when I'm trying to sound all serious. It's a disorder. Says Dr. Karen BA.Hons in Self-Proclamtion. hurhurhur... are you inspired yet? wtf.

Eating disorder IS a serious issue ok people! If you find yourself having difficulties in over-coming it. Get someone trustworthy (preferably knowledgable and credible in the medical field) to talk to. Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen. As someone once told me to get me talking (and later brought me to tears. *wuss* T___T) "Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen, and I have two ears... And two shoulders in case you need to cry".

Talk damn a lot lar today. In conclusion (like essay writing ya children T___T), learn to love and accept yourself for who you truly are. If everyone in the world turn their backs against you, remember that you still have yourself, God, and Aunt Karen. -____-

Okbabai now coz I still have to finish up my assignments. hurhurhur..

Suara Hati

i hope another random annoying bastard comes up to me and says, "karen, just listen to your heart". just so you know, theres someone on the same block who keeps telling me that everytime we meet up. HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!! imagine if i did that!

Block C resident: Come on Karen. Just listen to your heart.

Karen: Ok! *Beat beat beat*

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

lets disco dance!

my mind. how do i explain my mind? where do i even begin? i always thought that if i kept up with this mentality, i would go mental even sooner than i can say "eat your veggies son!"

so right now im in this position where the amphibian has understood its own abilities and limitations concerning the whole land and water issue. but then you somehow know that its impossible to be living in the water the whole time even though you could but not forever thats why youre a toad. *memories of katak kristal dashes in mind*

so anyway as i was saying. yea! you know yourself but at the same time its like.. you THINK you know.

right now im upset bout things and people mainly due to issues that has been on everyones mind. mine included. but then for the past two weeks, it has gone pretty out of hand to the point of just being plain annoying. things are not always black and white! things that we see are not always what they seem to be. ok maybe at times they do. but not all the time! wtf?!! so smart then go and do something with all that brain lar! dont come and psychoanalyse me eh sai boh? knn.

its memang damn geli when i feel the need to be all happy-happy-clappy-fatty-bom-bom. either that or just mampuskan myself and selit into that mindset and just feed on air and life. *punches fist into the air and screams "get high on life yeah!"* T___T memang damn geli lar! knn after what i heard the way i was being perceived was lagi geli! lagi knn x12398127387 times ok! you listen and see you dulan or not?!! and this reminds me of the time when uncle shane and aunty fay used to make fun on me with this stupid limerick "fei po fei tut tut. or si or mm chut." (fatty fatty girl. want to shit but kena constipation/sembelit). actually its quite funny lar when i think bout it now. hurhurhur..

what im saying is that at times im really tempted to drown myself in a certain image that im used to seeing in magazines and all that but then i know that i cant. not because its difficult lur ok. being a bulimic is damn easy ok. just that that was the destructive path that i had gone through for the past five years. it was satisfying and ego-boosting i may say. but then at the end of the day, you know that youre just killing yourself.

see! its damn therapeutic to write. i started of being damn pissed over such a small matter. and after bullshitting dunno how much words here its damn syiok lor. like makan kimchi kind of syiok. or even like online-stalking some random dude kinda syiok. no lar. not that i stalk ppl online lar ok. ok maybe theres this one guy. just one ok. and i didnt add him on msn or fb or whatever like what ali told me to ok! so im just a third degree stalker. hes got very chinese eyes btw. very chinese looking kinda cute. like that when he wants to eowh ---> -_- hurhurhur...

someone commented about how random and vague the posts are. its not because i have a mind that cant keep itself in one place at one time. well actually that is part of the case. but not entirely.

you dont expect me to lay myself bare like that to be picked upon by everyone do you? all due respect to those who take that road for whatever reasons youve chosen but then its just not for me because thats not how we roll. *raises canadian flag* but then i dont want to quit writing here just because im worried bout that. so the only way is to be as vague as possible. you have your own views and interpretation of it. no ones stopping you. so yea.

why still write online then if i dont want to allow others to know whats in my mind and would rather choose to confuse those reading here? well because i can. *walks off with heroic music playing and hair heroically blown by the wind and readers gasp in awe in my heroism*

selamat pagi puan jacob.

reminds me of the days in national service when sharon used to scream at me "karen! damn random lar you!"

i miss the robotic life in camp. T___T

wakenabebbbb!!!

tagged.

001. Real Name: karen kok hsi hsi.
002. Nickname(s): mou mou. pui po.
003. Age: 21
004. Horoscope: aquarius.
005. Male or Female: female.
006. Elementary: convent.
007. Middle School: convent.
008. High School: convent.
009. College School: luct.
010. Hair colour: black.
011. Long or Short: short.
012. Loud or Quiet: quiet.. *shy* teehee..
013. Sweats or Jeans: jeans.
014. Phone or Camera: camera.
015. Health Freak: seasonal.
016. Drink or Smoke: neither. teehee..
017. Do you have a crush on someone: jonas bjerre.
018. Eat or Drink: both.
019. Piercings: er duo. telinga. yi zai. ears.
020. Tattoos: not at the mo.
021. Social or Anti-Social: social.
022. Righty or lefty: right.
023. First piercing: ears.
024. First relationship: 16.
025. First Best Friend: lisa liew hiao hiao. *shy*
026. First Award: kindergarten.
027. First Kiss: *shy* teehee.. (im bored already T_________T)
028. First Pet: tadpole. my brother told me thats what baby mermaids looked like.
029. First Big Vacation: mexico.
030. First Love at first sight: prince eric from the little mermaid. and all my other imaginary husbands always ended up with the same name as well. T___T
031. First Big Birthday: 9 at the golden arch. didnt we all had that for at least once in our life?
032. First Surgery: the removal of my wisdom tooth(?) I SWEAR IT WAS EVIL!
033. First sport you joined: sprinting.
034. Orange or Apple juice: neither.
035. Rock or Rap: both.
036. Country or Screamo: both.
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys: 5566. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! eh laugh eh.
038. Britney spears or Christina Aguilera: christina.
039. Night or Day: both.
040. Sun or Moon: both.
041. TV or Internet: Both.
042. Playstation or xbox: playstation!
043. Kiss or hug: hugs.
044. Iguana or turtle: iguana.
045. Spider or bee: spider.
046. Fall or spring: both.
047. Limewire or iTunes: limewire.
048. Soccer or baseball: soccer.
049. Eating: edible.
050. Drinking: minum milo anda jadi sihat dan kuat! nolar. coffee.
051. Excitement level: level 27 dengan kuasa ghaib harris periuk.
052. I'm about to: feed my lazy dog with steroids.
053. Listening to: the power rangers soundtrack. power chords giler! teehee.. ^_^V
054. Plan for today: buat reading log dan mengbelog untuk pembaca setia.
055. Waiting for: mew to come to msia.
056. Energy Level: due ratus lapan puluh tujuh peratus. *yatta!*
057. Thinking of someone: kawan-kawan di siberjayer. hur hur hur...
058. Want kids?: tak nak. *muka mengada*
059. Want to get married?: erm.. tak berape minat buat skang. *muka mengada 2897312%
060. When?: ish. kan dah kater tak nak! *muka cimb*
061. How many kids do you want: tak paham bahase. benci!
062. Any name on the mind: aznil nawawi. tom tom bak bersamer abang aznil! *pew weeeet!*
063. What do you want to do: nak gi shopping kat pavillion. kedai guess kan ader diskaun. teehee..
065. Mellow future or wild: i nak liar macam si tigger kat kartun beruang pooh! teehee.. ^^V
066. Something you would never try: erm.. kontrol cun kat depan balak i. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
067. When do you want to die: ish.. doser cakap pasal mati kat bulan lima haribulan sebelas!
068. Lips or Eyes: nak mater macam bered pittS ngan bibir cam anjelina joli! seksi diorang kat dalam citer tuan dan puan smith.
069. Romantic or Funny?: kelakar. tak best ar kalo asyik beromen jek kan?
070. Shorter or Taller?: i tak kisah sebab i pun tak lah tinggi sampai maner. *malu* teehee..
072. Romantic or Spontaneous?: i suker laki yang spontan. macho gilerrrr! teehee.. ^^V
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms?: kalau boleh i nak nice... teehee.. *malu*
074. Sensitive or Loud?: dua-dua kena balens.
075. Hook-up or Relationship?: relationship.
076. Trouble Maker or Hesitant?: good mix of both.
077. Muscular or normal: insignificant.
078. Kissed a stranger: no.
079. Broken a bone: dislocated my spine. so no i havent broken a bone.
080. Lost glasses or contacts: belum pernah lagi.
081. Ran away from home: sekali je.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defence: no.
083. Killed somebody: no.
084. Broken some one's heart: hopefully not.
085. Had your heart broken: we live we learn.
086. Been arrested: no.
087. Cried when someone died: yes.
088. Liked a friend more than a friend: *looks at ground and kicks imaginary dust*
089. Yourself: love myself. surelah ade. teehee..
090. Miracles: takes place at the most unexpected of times.
091. Love at first sight: only happens to one in a million. unless youre delusional all the time.
092. Heaven: upstairs.
093. Santa Claus: is struggling with Atkins. its the potatoes. its always the potatoes. *sighs*
094. Tooth Fairy: was made up to fool ignorant white kids and asian anglophiles. just like the SATs.
095. Kiss in the first date: *yawns*
096. Angels: twelve.
097. Is there 1 person you want to be with right now? : no.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you're in life now? : yes.
099. Do you believe in God? : yes.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people.

• ten people.