It's all good while it lasted

Am I being difficult?

I don't know really. Perhaps I am. But somehow it just seems thoughtless to treat a friend in such a way as well. I was contemplating whether or not to just let it all go and don't take it personally but somehow I just couldn't. Not this time. I don't want to fret about what happened. After all, it is in the past. I guess I'm just human and I cared too much to allow this to just pass like that. So sue me.

Somehow I just can't help feeling dissapointed. Maybe I was still looking for the friend which I thought was once there, and in a way still waiting for him to appear again. Is that person really still in there? Despite the clear signs, i still have that confusing feeling of uncertainty seeping in through all the tiny loop holes which I had created. You once did admit that you stopped caring after you knew that you had your other half. Maybe I am now in that category as well; the-once-a-friend group.

It's just difficult for me to go on being a supportive friend. Should I just quit or should I go on in this road which is leading to nothingness? At this point, I really don't know. This is after all, not the first time I'm experiencing this. It has happened one too many times. Love does indeed makes people selfish. Want to or not, you had a choice; but yes, I was very dissapointed indeed as a friend, that you chose otherwise.

I had gone through this and I should only know too well how to handle it, for I did survive everytime it happens. So what was it again the step which I took? Should I just follow the old remedy? Which was to just stop caring so much, for it only hurts worse when you cared too much; and just allow time to heal everything. But the thing which is causing me to be on fences is that I'm not sure if I want things to result the same as it had with the others? Whereby I just stopped caring and only listen whenever they needed someone to talk to. Being nothing but a listener, and stop investing anymore feelings. The thing is that once it has taken place, it's hard for me to reverse the effects then.

Am I being selfish? I really don't want to think about it. There's enough things in life to worry about and this is just not one of them which should be on the list. Afterall, I'm just doing what's best for myself at this moment; just like what you're doing. So it's all fair. Everyone's just protecting their own interest. Perhaps that's it. There's nothing left to be said and done.

Remember the game of hop-scotch?
The game we used to play together?
At the playground where our mom's watched out while talking to each other.

You once told me,
"I want to play with you forever;
because you are the most challenging player!"

From May up till September,
Our challengers were always each other;
It felt like it could all go on like that forever.

Then around came October,
We all met Bobby, who also came with his mother;
And who knew, who turned out to be an even better hop-scotcher.

After that you stopped dialing my number,
At the playground i'll just watch from a corner;
Playing from four to five with Bobby, the mvp hop-scotcher.

Then on the 7th of November,
You invited me to play with you, I remember;
The day when Bobby had to stay at home from a sprained shoulder.

You then ignored me for the whole month of December,
And played again in January with each other;
When Bobby went to the finals with his team from the little league of rounders.

Mom said that you now have a new friend,
She said I should get mine as well;
I'm not so sure, I just don't feel like playing at the playground any longer.

I can't stop rhyming. Now I know I've completely lost it.

Of the boy who says monyet sotong belacan

There's always something stupidly fun about talking to Rave on the phone. He's this retarded person who uses the most abstract words and the way he combines his phrases always end up coming out a totally different meaning from what he's actually trying to convey.

Another annoying thing that he enjoys doing while on the phone which never fails to make me want to bash up his skull is this; singing at the other end as if I was non-existant. -____-"

Despite all said and done, I still heart my chunky monkey! *looks around* mainly for his mental retardation.. which is like 98% of the time.

Welcome. Kindly leave your heart and all personal emotions in somewhere disposable. Thank you and enjoy the show.

People can mask their true-self so well that it's scary. There's so much fakeness going around that I seriously have no idea who to trust anymore. At one moment they can put up an incredible show; carnival to cotton candies. When they've gotten more than enough audience for their show, you'll just be discarded as another one of those one-time visitors. Is this how life would be? Where everyone is just treated like the last. I'm beginning to feel numb towards all these ushers; right from their pork-pie hat and red vest to their painted grins.

Perhaps this whole life is just a stage for a never-ending play. Everything is just a show and everyone is an actor in this eternal production. Everything is scripted and that's how it will go on. Nothing should be taken personally since it's all just showbiz. Perhaps it's time I joined this play. I'm sick of being the audience. I want to be on the stage to crush the emotions of new audiences as well, just like the way my emotions were being played around by their superb acting whilst watching this whole play. Can I? There's always an opening for actors/actresses. Perhaps I should just give it a shot. Perhaps I should put the ambulance on speed dial.

This post has got nothing to do with Gerard Darrel or Harvey Nichols

Remember those days where all we had to worry about was which pair of shoes should go with which pants or shirt so that we don't go to our tuition place looking like a fashion disaster who got kicked out of clown college?

Actually I never really had those days since I was the one who could stand going to extra classes with the same hoodie for 2 weeks in a row. I was one of those who didn't give nuts about what people saw me as. No, I wouldn't say that I was proud of those days, but at the same time I just couldn't care less to actually bother about it. Wait a minute. What was I suppose to write about? Why am I blabbering about my fashion disaster days? Perhaps one of the reason is that it's 1.15am and I'm still very much awake. Was it the excessively-sweetened kopi peng from downstairs? Or is it the fact that I'm very much in conflict with my own conscience and emotions at the current moment? I'm currently surrounded with crap coming from every possible direction. Maybe it's not actually THAT bad, but it sure feels that way right now. Good thing that I'm coping with it better than I expected. After what happened two weeks ago, I realized that there are a lot of things which I'm actually capable of dealing with on my own. So I guess that's pretty good.

For some reason, I can't seem to fill the pages with happy thoughts these days. Maybe I'm just another boring person who loses herself in her own thoughts most of the time. I just can't seem to kick of the mentality of taking my room as a permanent sanctuary; with my records and a pen and a book, that's all I really need to help me go through the days. It's bad for the soul, to contain myself in a glass jar and shut the whole world off, and depressing songs playing non-stop on the player isn't exactly helping either. But it's so addictive at the same time. It's a jar which I want to lock myself in for as long as I can. I don't really give a shit about what's happening on the outside. People sicken me a lot these days. Perhaps it's a two-way situation, whereby people around me find me sickening as well. Like I give nuts about what they think about me. I really have to pull myself out of this situation before I die from depression.

I've gone out of this comfort zone many a times, but after a couple of weeks or months even, I'll find myself going back into the jar. It's just like diving underwater for a period, then you start struggling and gather up all your strength to quickly swim back to the surface to catch a breath. It's that feeling of gasping for air; where it squeezes all the air out of your already infected lungs.

I just want to listen to all the songs on my music list till I fall asleep and wake up three days later. Now all I need is a pair of big ass earphones which blocks out every single sound from outside.

Is this thing on?

Dear Chunky Monkey,

It's been a while since we last talked. Somehow it just feels different now. I don't know why. Perhaps it's from all the stresses and pressures that we're both going through. I'm doing my best to cope up with it. How about you?

I hope that you're able to keep your head up even at the midst of all this stuff that's taking place. I don't know how tough it is to be in your position but I believe that you'll come out a stronger person. You're a lot tougher than you think you are. You're always worrying that you're not able to make the wisest choices all the time, but if you're already doing your best, then that's all that matters. Don't be too hard on yourself. All those self-inflicted pain is only causing destruction to yourself; both mentally and physically. There are some things which you just have to learn to let go. Even you've said it yourself that not everyone has the ability to change another person. You're not a saint, and no one's expecting you to be either. The only thing that matters is that you're doing your best.

Sometimes you have to remind yourself that we are all just human. We can't expect too much from others. Life would be full of dissapointments if we kept up with that attitude. It's always important to appreciate and cherish the little things in life. It's always easy to lose track of the important things in life when we focus too much on visualizing the world the way we want it to be. That's when we start straying off from the real world.

Always remember that God always promises us a rainbow after a storm. It might sound cheesy and all that cynical descriptions which you might come up with after reading that line, but it's true. And sometimes as humans, we do need a little motivation and hope to keep us moving forward. Just remember that that's His promise to us.

There's a million things which I want to say to you but I just can't bring myself to do it, at least not at the current moment. I might not be the best at saying this kind of stuff, but I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens, we're always here for you; because that's what friends are for. Take care. :]

Benchwarmers

So much had happened in the last two weeks that even I myself found it hard to believe that THAT was all in less than fourteen days.

Sad to say that not all of them were of good news. Almost all of them were bad news actually. I must be running out of luck these days. So that means better luck is just around the corner right? Hehehehe..*fingers and toes and everything crossable crossed*

Anyways, I was just flipping through last November's copy of teenvogue (the one with Kirsten Dunst on the coverpage) and it kinda reminded me of one line in Elizabethtown; "we are the substitute people". Then the mind started wondering...

Perhaps there is a lot of truth in that line. We are all substitutes of another person in a way, and the other person is a substitute to another person, and so on and so forth. So what are we doing about it? Just watching it happen and let it spiral down into doomness? Maybe we are the voluntarily substituted people of our times. We complain when it gets too much, but then we just go on our duty of being another person's substitute of his/her other more important, but unfortunately-absent-for-the-time-being person.

So the question is that WHY do we allow ourselves to be the substitute people? Out of pure sick fun which we get from being mentally tortured? Or is it that we'd rather be the substitutes than to be nothing at all? Regardless of us being aware of the fact that this whole benchwarming routine is never gonna get us anywhere.

Then the other thing that happened for almost two weeks already is this... *drumroll* ... I've quitted smoking for 11 days already!!! Muahahaha.. Perhaps it's not such a big thing to shout about, but it is an accomplishment for now, especially at this time where every little thing matters more than ever. Was sick like a dog for the whole week and the whole quitting couldn't have came at a worst time. I was coughing my lungs out every single day, but thank God I managed to go through that phase and came out alive, and with no cigarette in hand! Hehehehe..

People think that I'm not aware of all these dangers that I'm exposing myself to, but come on. I'm only human. Of course I know what I'm putting into my body, I'm not an ignorant person, just that I made a stupid choice and that's it. At least I know what I'm doing now, and if you're going to support me to go further to stay clean then thank you. It really means the world to me. But if you're going to preach about how stupid I was and all that, then kindly show yourself to the back door. I've known my mistakes and I'm now moving on, so after this whole rough week, nagging just for the sake of proving to me further of how stupid I was and also to show me your extensive knowledge on the dangers of nicotine is the last thing I need right now.

I guess all these idiocricy only makes us another human on this globe which was once nothing but a spec of dust.

Salvation Army

Nearly finished a pack of cigs in 3 hours...
There's only three left...
I'm gonna bathe now and then finish up the rest when I'm done...
I need a new inhaler...
Do they sell used inhalers in Salvation Army?

Bury me

So exhausted...

Physically and emotionally..