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Current mood: Comfortably numb
Listening to: Billy Joel - Vienna

4.27pm right now. Just woke up about an hour ago after receiving Shiau Wen's text message. My nose is running like a leaky faucet. It's a killer. So it's going to be really nice if the unseen powers from above could help me make sense right now because everything seems to be a huge mass of blurness at the mo.

Anyways, went out with a friend today for National Treasure 2. The movie was pretty good actually. But it wasn't the movie which got me thinking till now. It was actually this friend.

It was the first time meeting up so I kind of had a rough image of what to expect based on the past chatting sessions and all that. So it turned out to be quite a surprise that he was a lot quieter than i expected. Ironic to say that it was the littlest things that he said that really made me think. It was scary at the same time coz it was like a Hall of Mirrors kind of situation; every angles you turn you see yourself, but can't tell the difference between the reflections staring back at you from the way out, and the only way to get out of there was either to feel your way through with trial and errors or simply by looking hard till you can tell which is which. I seriously felt that way. And no it wasn't funny. Not even the slightest bit.

It brought me back for a reality check after such a long time. It ignited feelings and emotions which I had long detached myself from and conveniently avoided for the past year.

Things were so much clearer back then. I knew exactly what I wanted and how to work my way through it. These days aren't so similiar anymore. I used to bring out the alter ego in me whenever I was faced with situations which I did't find comfortable in. It was like an easy way out as it helped me not take that certain uneasy feeling personally. Whatever happens there stays there.

Today he made me realize that I've used this escapade one too many times that it's beginning to cover up my true self. Like a leech sucking bit by bit till it's completly dried out and all is left would be the ugly scars of your mistakes. It was like Dr. Jekyll being stuck as Mr. Hyde, like a potion gone wrong. I do admit that it was like an alarming wake up call in the head. These days I'm hardly myself anymore. It reminded me of that session we had in Starbucks the night before. Is my action of doing so reflecting my overly self-protective manner and overtly need to please?

I remember back then when people used to think that i was a stuck-up prick who thought highly of myself and label them as the "below my standard" just because I don't talk much. I never took that personally. Not because it was true. But i found it a waste of time to explain myself to every tom, dick and harry. It didn't bother me much back then.

Then when I started getting worst comments after I started out college. It then gave me this idea of switching to and fro from myself to my alter ego. It made things so much easier to bear. Everyone was happy and I could still keep "myself" away and not a give a fart. It was like a playing-along-with-your-stupidity-just-to-shut-you-up kind of situation. And I guess I did lose myself somewhere down that road.

So talking to this dude today actually made me miss that feeling of simply just being myself. Funny how life works. The most random people can come around out of the blue and say something so casual and it could affect someone so greatly. This life really never ceases to amaze me.