Once upon a time

This has been a place where i imagined what "plateau" would be like.

You're just bored.


You should know more people.


I have friends.

There's only so much they could do to keep me interested.


Honestly, they bore me, i thought to myself (quietly).

I believe in connection.

I believe in chemistry.

If you gel, you'll just gel, i said.

There was a time when i started questioning myself.

...then there were these two people.

Friends.


And i felt like i was home all over again.

north-east

its such a funny weather today, i said.

yea... i left the back window opened at work today. it was so soothing that i did everything so slowly. you know how when you're so used to working from behind a desk, then you start to be so slow at work... so slow at...


manual labour? i finished, questioningly.

yea... manual labour.


he then went on about the angry indian cab driver and how the guy who called in to the radio station won some tickets when he related the unfortunate tale of his broken penis which took a six-hour surgery to fix.

the last thing i remembered about the conversation was something about him coming to a conclusion of how he shouldn't have sex with skinny women, as to prevent his penis from breaking. just like the guy on the radio.

i then stubbed my cigarette and walked into the house, closing the door behind me.

it was like he never existed.

wild lavender

today has been a strange day for me.

im not sure why do i feel this way actually. there's just this overwhelming sense of emptiness, inadequacy.

its not the first time. i've even gotten used to feeling this way. but for some reason today was just, different.

i thought i just needed some fresh air. i'm still really not used to this whole carpet deodorising scent. wild lavender it says, on the label. what a lie. which is why i got the gardenia and sandalwood diffuser.

your room smells like india, he said.

its ok. i like it this way.

then i went for a walk. in the rain.

theres this thing with rain drops that makes me feel like I'm being peeled off my sins. all the insanity and troubles just slowly dripping off with each step, leaving them laying on the pavement - wet and lonely.

but that wasn't what happened.

not today.

today, everything just felt really heavy. and stale.

i tried inhaling a breath of fresh air but it just smelled like bottled wild lavender.

burning pants

i think i lie a lot, and yet it never seems quite enough.

sometimes i tell myself that i should stop lying, once and for all. but then its not easy. i think I'm afraid that people won't like me once i stop lying. come to think of it, i never even realised how much i lie until a couple of hours ago when we were at lucky 7.

the night attendant there is this really bored guy. he's always asking funny questions out of the blue every time  we're there so i'll just assume that he's bored. anyways, the question of the day (or night) was "are you happy?" and without thinking twice i just answered "yes". honestly, i didn't care much about him. i didn't even care if i was happy at that moment or not. the only reason i said yes was because i thought that would hinder him from any further questions. you know how some people are funny funny. and there are those who are just plain... bored (?) i think he falls into the latter. or to me at least. who am i to say? maybe he's the life of the party among his friends. so back to the story, he then seemed happy with my answer and looked behind me and asked eugene the same question, to which he replied "i would be if i won the 21 million lotto jackpot" or something like that. i really don't care about the lotto or winning jackpots or anything to do with winning money.

and this got me thinking about how much eugene is always talking about buying the lotto and winning the prize money. then he'll turn to me and get me to join him in this little fantasy game about what we'll do if we had all that cash. and i always answer him the same thing - buy houses and collect rental, or put it in the bank and collect the interest, or something boring with mature-sounding words. that was when i realised I'm a liar.

i don't care about making more money with that money or whatsoever. i just say them because i think thats what he wants to hear. therefore I'm a liar, because i could've just been honest about how i was actually calculating in my head how many tubs of ice cream i could buy with 21 million dollars.

21, 000, 000 ÷ 8.90 = ?

that would only be applicable if there wasn't a promotion. or else it would be divided by 7 dollars.

or how many bottles of peanut butter i could get.

21, 000, 000 ÷ 5.98 = ?

or even how many pints of beer i could have.

but i don't think he'll understand. or anyone else for that matter.

they're probably gonna think that I'm stupid or immature or not thinking like an adult.

therefore i lie by giving them an adult like answer; by using words such as property, or bank, or investment, or organic.

strange; thankful.

sanity being toyed.

many a times i've questioned myself if it was by you, or my own tolerance.

like all the other lessons in life, i believe that this too shall pass.

passing clouds

so there i was, of how it began with an evening of unexpected change of weather; drizzly followed by a calming tranquility - cycle and repeat.

it was like praying for a shower after a drought. desperate, yet hopeful. it was a funny concoct. perhaps it was the habit of getting used to the lack of; which made every drop more of a welcoming (for me, at least) change of the usual.

it was closing to the peak of summer.

that little circle; it was more of the exchanging of thoughts; thought provoking even, than it was of a competing ground (of a fight to the finish).

how much have i missed this place.

the lessons learned, the stories told - such is the journey.

funny how minuscule it all seems as we move slightly further from where we began.

"keep an open mind", they all say - but how much has it amount to, has so much more to be seen.