another step forward

despite all the anger, panic, frustration, exhaustion and tears, at the end of the day, deep down inside i know that it was all worth it.

why this strange feeling?

perhaps it was my mistake for underestimating it this time around.

was it built in just a day? a sudden change. an epiphany just struck. i couldnt remember it that well, as much as i wished so.

my heart just feels strange right now.

how do i describe it? its not entirely heavy, but it is at the same time. not from sadness. not from pressure. it just feels.. strange somehow.

since day one i had been reminding myself, "this is it. youve been given a second chance in life. dont waste it. just stay focused on each day. take it one step at a time. dont be over-ambitious. do what you can and leave the rest to God."

i would be lying if i said that it was easy. for those of you out there who had been breezing and nailing this, i wonder if it was just plain determination or did it take years of consistent practise before you got to where you are.

im not giving up this time. as much as the hurdles get higher each day, im constantly being reminded that this too shall pass. i can do this. i just need to have faith in myself and faith that He has bigger plans for me.

everytime i feel dejected and lost, i force myself to think of the Lord. this is when im reminded that the hardship and challenges thrown my way is all part of his big plan.

and a wave of serenity washes through me.

this humbling effect; there are no words i could think of to describe this. its like a realization of how small i really am. how miniscule. how easily it would to be overlooked just like that. and yet He didnt. and this is when i truly feel at peace.

for those of you who has known me well enough throughout the years, you could probably remember how im always complaining after a bad discussion in class. you would know how i couldnt stand ignorant people; people whos always saying that the lecturer is never good enough or well-informed enough, and yet never take the initiative or effort to optimize their knowledge capacity but rather sit down and complain. im sorry if i ever made you guys feel like a punch bag, but thank you for bearing with me everytime i start bitching bout them.

same thing happened today and there wasnt anyone around who i could complain to. so there i was, sitting at the stairway; alone, and frustrated. then i caught myself. "is this because i think that im better than them?"

you know that disgusted feeling you get when someone tells you that youre arrogant or selfish? its as if youre being slapped hard on your face. thats how i felt when i asked myself that question. i was extremely filled with disgust and loathe for having such ugly thoughts, and it took me so many years before i realized this problem.

i cant even remember what was the purpose of this post. i just felt that i needed to write something. and im glad that i did. im actually feeling much lighter now. so yes, the strange feeling is no longer lingering around. =D ok back to my assignments already. WOOOHOOOO~~!!!

being a nerd with the lousiest timing

its already 5.04am and im still doing my work. i have to hand in two drafts, one essay and on top of that, i have a quiz later that i still havent finished revising for.

i just completed the essay and both the drafts and realized that its already past 5am. im damn worried that one of these possibilities would happen:

1) revise for the quiz and hopefully get some sleep, and risk not remembering anything ive read or was said in lectures during the quiz due to the lack of sleep (i have a morning class later at 11am. i know its not THAT early but still i have to leave at 10am coz im taking the bus and i still have to take a shower and take a crap and all that so i have to wake up latest by 9am).

2) get some sleep now and pray that i have time to read up before the quiz and risk not having the time to do so and end up effing up the paper anyway.

being all paranoid and shit, i thought of just looking through the module outline of the chapters to get a rough idea on what we might be tested on tomorrow and HOPEFULLY i could just run through before i sleep and guess what? both the drafts that i thought was for tomorrow; one is due in week 5 (next thursday) and the other is in week 7.

fml.

T______________________________T

bila dua orang gendut bersembang di msn

Karenkok says:

wtf

rupa-rupanya adik lehu pun nak tengok akak karen gemuk balik...

T___T

leonardez says:

of course

keranamu malaysia

==

tak

i mean

kerana adik lehu tengah fat fat nya ta

tau

leonardez says:

so kena ada PREN

Karenkok says:

er chui lar

youre tall ok!

you dont look fat lor

leonardez says:

no no no

Karenkok says:

you think im tall also is it?

leonardez says:

tak bole cakap macam tu

huhuhu

Karenkok says:

if i had your height i will just makan dont care lor

leonardez says:

like what ive been doing for the past 21 years?

huhu

Karenkok says:

hmm?

*blink blink

actually i also put on weight

and its just FOUR days in segamat

can you imagine if its a week

i think my old clothes also cannot pakai

coz my mom cooked assam fish~

HAHAHHAAHAAHAHAAHHA

but i damn miss the food at home lar

T____T

its damn er chui lor

leonardez says:

assam ikann

Karenkok says:

after makan like nobodys business in segamat

come back to desa almost everyday i walk out alone to eat at the malay stall

T____T

cannot be disciplined ady

leonardez says:

hahaha

good eh

Karenkok says:

good your head!

its damn eowh lor this time

really damn scared that i will fat back lar

but then my brain keep telling me to eat

this is the scenario:

tummy: feed me.. feeeeeed meeeeee....

karen: stfu!

5mins later

karen: akak, nasi goreng kampung satu tambah ayam. nak peha eh. dgn satu teh o ais limau

fml

leonardez says:

haha

5 mins later

akak lagi satu

Karenkok says:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

dont lor

segamat really damn shiok lor

just eat and sleep only

T____T

if want to be babi no need to buy appeton weight gain

just go to segamat

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

how now brown cow?

i think i might be on the verge of completely losing my mojo for blogging.

:/

leeching off medusa's wifi

good evening ladies and gentlemen.

karen kok is now officially on a tight budget hence the not paying for internet and taking the bus to ioi everyday to leech off starbucks free wifi.

my dear friends who havent gotten a reply on facebook, please bear with me until 7pm everyday ok?

my wallet and kidneys are ever so grateful for your understanding.

thank you very much from the bottom of my ovaries.

until next time.