for the past couple of weeks, i was at the point where there were a lot of conflicting thoughts running through my head. i was trying to figure out what was that lost ingredient that was causing all these confusion. tried recalling the theories that were passed on by the adults when i was younger. everything was perfect to a tee but still the jarring gap was just too profound to be left unnoticed. there was just so much anger and confusion and hatred and even the feeling of indifferent at times which led to even more frustration and confusion. this is getting confusing but just try to stay with me here.
anyways, it took me a very loud and tears to laughter filled conversation with two good friends to make me realize what it was. im in fact laughing to myself as im writing this. for some reason, in the midst of all those love advices we were throwing around at each other, it suddenly reminded me of how i used to be when i was a kid.
back in kindergarten up till i was eleven, i used to be a feisty kid who was a teachers nightmare. one thing that they hated most was how i was always filled with opinions that cant be contained. i remember when i was five, i was the mc of my kindergarten's award presentation day. during the rehearsal, my principal turned off the switch on our mics. thinking that it was off by mistake, of course i turned it back on. my principal was taken by surprise when my voice filled the empty hall and ran towards me to turn it off again. i then told her that it was supposed to be on and she insisted that i turned it off to the point that she started raising her voice at me. *pauses to laugh at how young i was in my own head and ok back to the story* i have no idea how do i remember stuff like this but i somehow do and this is what i explained to her and im not kidding! "but then if we tried without the mics turned on, how would you know if its gonna sound right tonight?" HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! ok i probably said something like "how would you know if its correct" instead of "gonna sound right" but i was five back then so the 21 year old me has the right to change that like how we would for grammar simpatico ok. but let me tell you this, i remember how the principal didnt explain to me why there wasnt the need to turn it on and just told me to do as she said. i bet i was an annoying kid back then! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!
oh and there was this other time when i was in primary one meaning i was seven and there was this relief teacher who came for english coz miss abraham was on mc and she was teaching us about numbers and she was really crazy because she wrote this on the board:
14 - Fourteen
15 - Fiveteen
despite the fact that she or the board of education was probably on crack when they put her through as a teacher, i was probably on even more crack for telling her this in front of the whole class, "excuse me teacher, i don't remember whats the correct way for that number but im very sure its not fiveteen. it sounds something like fiveteen because it starts with an 'F' also but its not fiveteen". HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i swear that was exactly what i said you know why? coz my mom taught me all i had to know about numbers when i was five and i kept trying to recall what was it my mom said bout 15 when i was still using that colourful dinosaur school bag. you see thats how i recall periods of my life, through a distinct song or object. anyways, the teacher then scolded me "if youre so clever then why dont you come in front and teach instead. *points at 15* this is FIVETEEN and if you think its wrong then you can stand on your chair while copying this *points at greenboard* from the blackboard*". and you know why i said i was on serious crack? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! because i corrected her that its a GREENboard and then was sent out of class to copy it from the corridor through the window. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! guess what i did next? i left it blank and when miss abraham came back the next day to mark our exercise books, she scolded all of us for being so stupid to write FIVEteen and then corrected her that its FIFteen. and i was so happy that i jumped up from my seat *remember that she was still angry at this point!* and said out loud, "oh ya its FIFTEEN! thats what i told the teacher but then she scolded me so loud and chased me out from the class to copy from the greenboard from the corridor through the window". miss abraham laughed and then said that i wouldve got it right if i practised what my mom taught me. i defended myself saying that my mom taught me that when i was five so i couldnt remember things from THAT long ago and she told me to just admit that i was lazy for not practising.
the way i remember stuff that i remember is crazy i tell you!
and i nearly forgot the whole point of this post. HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! oh yea bout how my dad is not always right. hahahhahahha!!! anyway, this outspokenness to what i think is not right made me extremely unpopular among the kids and typically stupid teachers who for some ridiculous reason hated me for speaking up. and i used to complain to my parents bout it and my dad always reminded me to lay low and "not everyone likes the person who knows the right thing. so just lay low and keep what you know to yourself and just let them continue being wrong. at the end of the day, fighting back will only leave you at the losing end". lets face it, of course there were racial remarks inserted as well but lets leave that out of here.
so what im saying is, the things that i remember is really crazy. and how i hold on to them is even crazier. my dad probably meant well when he said those stuff. he was probably trying to teach me how to protect myself but didnt know how to explain them to a kid. of course i only have myself to blame because even when im already 21 now, i really shouldve had more brains to actually analyze those words than to take them as they are.
but its still funny now that ive figured out where and when i left that feisty and loud-mouthed chubby kid. now that ive found her, i sure hope i dont lose her again! =D
p/s: and this is to you for being such a jerk for the past few months. please get over yourself. it really wouldve made more sense if i had blonde hair and talked with the word "like" in a bimbotic manner after every three words and made every statement slurred up like a question at the end.
