do you enjoy having tuna in a can for dinner? doesn't that sentence itself overflows with awesome fishy goodness?

you know how our ears and brain are connected?

i'll let you in on one secret;

i could disconnect mine.

don't ask me how.

i just can.

photographic evidence on me obtaining special powers.

im in a very distraught mood right now.

this crazy month-long hiatus is already taking its toll on me.

both physically and mentally.

you know how some people go crazy skinny when theyre stressed out.

well im a living evidence of something that defies the law of physics/stress.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

trust me when i say that if i had that kind of mas selamat power,

i would definitely use it to make it so much easier for you.

don't have to scream it in my ears.

using that kind of powers on you would be a simple gesture of thank you very much.

are you blinded by my awesomeness already? if not kindly touch your eyeballs to your screen.

chamomile tea

you said it

she.

perhaps it will be easier to just move on.

i should keep my brain back in its box now.

heart?

it'll now what to do from here.

it always does.

my pretty chameleon.

she and my face.

theatre.

I am

we always strive to look at things "as a bigger picture" but then sometimes we tend to lose track of the finer details.

balance, they say.

places change.

nations develop.

we all change eventually,

don't we?

it's a true challenge to keep our passion, dreams, and our principles alive along the journey.

it's not easy. but it's not impossible either.

Perfection

As idealistic humans who walk the face of the earth since the beginning of civilization, we will constantly find ourselves on the infinite search for perfection. For the female race, in one way or another, there will be a time where we will seek and thus chase after perfection in body image. Perhaps not for all, but i believe in todays modern society where we are being slapped with advertisements, shows and what-not on an almost daily basis, the path to that "beacon" is what most of the female population is aiming towards - even if it means risking it all.

However, does this so-called perfection truly exists?

During my early teenage years, I was one of those who believed that if i had that 'perfect body', everything else would be easy peasy.

"If I had the perfect body, I wouldn't be single".

"If I had the perfect body, I would have a rich and handsome boyfriend who would spoil me with all the luxuries he could afford".

"If I had the perfect body, my teachers would excuse me for not doing my work".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be going out and mixing around with more people everyday".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be happier because I don't have to worry about what others will see me as".

I could go on and on about how delusional I was (and still am at times) and there's really only one reply I could tell myself if I was my age right now back then - WTF?!!!

See how I restricted and scared the heck out of myself because I didn't have the 'perfect body'? How crazily delusional I was for believing that everything would be ladeeda~ if I was a size 0? PSYCHOTIC!

Instead of making me happier, it made me struggle with eating disorder for more than five years.

Instead of making me happier, I stopped enjoying food and became best friends with the toilet bowl. *hello jamban! how have you been?* T______T

Instead of making me happier, it turned me into a sneaky rat who lied my way around having to put food into my mouth and making people believe that I was normal. *nolar mrs goh. im not bulimic or anorexic. i just happen to work out alot lar. hahahahha..* (yaaaaaaaaa... energy come from where ar? drink petronas primax ar?) T_________T

Instead of making me happier, I was too busy fainting and having dizzy spells to attend school like the others. *hello minyak cap kapak! did you miss me?* T____________T

Instead of making me happier, I fell deeper and deeper into the extreme obsession with the figures on the measuring tape and weighing machine.

Like I had said, the list is endless.

Back then, I was so experienced with all the weight issues and eating disorders that I even managed to write a script for my high school's choral speaking group which contributed in us emerging as champions. *like that also proud. wtf.* T________T

Those that has been mentioned were just an iota of the whole five years ride of torture. Come and buy me a drink and we can sit down and i'll tell you the whole story. Story telling time by Aunt Karen. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyway, I'm talking about this now because I want to be the next Oprah Winfrey who wants to help all those out there who's struggling with eating disorder and hopefully inspire them to realize that the only way to get out from it is by loving and accepting ourselves for who we truly are - perfect. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA... nolar. damn geli when i read back this paragraph. fml. ok maybe not the part of wanting to be Oprah (actually its true HAHAHHAHA), but I do sincerely hope that people will one day learn to love and accept themselves for who they truly are and not the figures on a piece of machine. Unless you calculate your bmi and you're obese then it would be advisable to cut back on the junk food and start exercising and the formula to calculate is weight(kg)/height(m) x height(m) and if it's 18.5 and below that means you should have more cupcakes and if it's 18.5-25 that means you're normal and ish damn long ok just go and google it and don't be so lazy lar.

Are you inspired now? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!

I'm not putting all the "HAHAHAHHAs" to mock you who are reading this ok! (as if there's THAT many people reading) *in denial of the non-existant number of readers* T_____T

It's just me and my nervous laughter when I'm trying to sound all serious. It's a disorder. Says Dr. Karen BA.Hons in Self-Proclamtion. hurhurhur... are you inspired yet? wtf.

Eating disorder IS a serious issue ok people! If you find yourself having difficulties in over-coming it. Get someone trustworthy (preferably knowledgable and credible in the medical field) to talk to. Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen. As someone once told me to get me talking (and later brought me to tears. *wuss* T___T) "Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen, and I have two ears... And two shoulders in case you need to cry".

Talk damn a lot lar today. In conclusion (like essay writing ya children T___T), learn to love and accept yourself for who you truly are. If everyone in the world turn their backs against you, remember that you still have yourself, God, and Aunt Karen. -____-

Okbabai now coz I still have to finish up my assignments. hurhurhur..

Suara Hati

i hope another random annoying bastard comes up to me and says, "karen, just listen to your heart". just so you know, theres someone on the same block who keeps telling me that everytime we meet up. HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!! imagine if i did that!

Block C resident: Come on Karen. Just listen to your heart.

Karen: Ok! *Beat beat beat*

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

lets disco dance!

my mind. how do i explain my mind? where do i even begin? i always thought that if i kept up with this mentality, i would go mental even sooner than i can say "eat your veggies son!"

so right now im in this position where the amphibian has understood its own abilities and limitations concerning the whole land and water issue. but then you somehow know that its impossible to be living in the water the whole time even though you could but not forever thats why youre a toad. *memories of katak kristal dashes in mind*

so anyway as i was saying. yea! you know yourself but at the same time its like.. you THINK you know.

right now im upset bout things and people mainly due to issues that has been on everyones mind. mine included. but then for the past two weeks, it has gone pretty out of hand to the point of just being plain annoying. things are not always black and white! things that we see are not always what they seem to be. ok maybe at times they do. but not all the time! wtf?!! so smart then go and do something with all that brain lar! dont come and psychoanalyse me eh sai boh? knn.

its memang damn geli when i feel the need to be all happy-happy-clappy-fatty-bom-bom. either that or just mampuskan myself and selit into that mindset and just feed on air and life. *punches fist into the air and screams "get high on life yeah!"* T___T memang damn geli lar! knn after what i heard the way i was being perceived was lagi geli! lagi knn x12398127387 times ok! you listen and see you dulan or not?!! and this reminds me of the time when uncle shane and aunty fay used to make fun on me with this stupid limerick "fei po fei tut tut. or si or mm chut." (fatty fatty girl. want to shit but kena constipation/sembelit). actually its quite funny lar when i think bout it now. hurhurhur..

what im saying is that at times im really tempted to drown myself in a certain image that im used to seeing in magazines and all that but then i know that i cant. not because its difficult lur ok. being a bulimic is damn easy ok. just that that was the destructive path that i had gone through for the past five years. it was satisfying and ego-boosting i may say. but then at the end of the day, you know that youre just killing yourself.

see! its damn therapeutic to write. i started of being damn pissed over such a small matter. and after bullshitting dunno how much words here its damn syiok lor. like makan kimchi kind of syiok. or even like online-stalking some random dude kinda syiok. no lar. not that i stalk ppl online lar ok. ok maybe theres this one guy. just one ok. and i didnt add him on msn or fb or whatever like what ali told me to ok! so im just a third degree stalker. hes got very chinese eyes btw. very chinese looking kinda cute. like that when he wants to eowh ---> -_- hurhurhur...

someone commented about how random and vague the posts are. its not because i have a mind that cant keep itself in one place at one time. well actually that is part of the case. but not entirely.

you dont expect me to lay myself bare like that to be picked upon by everyone do you? all due respect to those who take that road for whatever reasons youve chosen but then its just not for me because thats not how we roll. *raises canadian flag* but then i dont want to quit writing here just because im worried bout that. so the only way is to be as vague as possible. you have your own views and interpretation of it. no ones stopping you. so yea.

why still write online then if i dont want to allow others to know whats in my mind and would rather choose to confuse those reading here? well because i can. *walks off with heroic music playing and hair heroically blown by the wind and readers gasp in awe in my heroism*

selamat pagi puan jacob.

reminds me of the days in national service when sharon used to scream at me "karen! damn random lar you!"

i miss the robotic life in camp. T___T

wakenabebbbb!!!

tagged.

001. Real Name: karen kok hsi hsi.
002. Nickname(s): mou mou. pui po.
003. Age: 21
004. Horoscope: aquarius.
005. Male or Female: female.
006. Elementary: convent.
007. Middle School: convent.
008. High School: convent.
009. College School: luct.
010. Hair colour: black.
011. Long or Short: short.
012. Loud or Quiet: quiet.. *shy* teehee..
013. Sweats or Jeans: jeans.
014. Phone or Camera: camera.
015. Health Freak: seasonal.
016. Drink or Smoke: neither. teehee..
017. Do you have a crush on someone: jonas bjerre.
018. Eat or Drink: both.
019. Piercings: er duo. telinga. yi zai. ears.
020. Tattoos: not at the mo.
021. Social or Anti-Social: social.
022. Righty or lefty: right.
023. First piercing: ears.
024. First relationship: 16.
025. First Best Friend: lisa liew hiao hiao. *shy*
026. First Award: kindergarten.
027. First Kiss: *shy* teehee.. (im bored already T_________T)
028. First Pet: tadpole. my brother told me thats what baby mermaids looked like.
029. First Big Vacation: mexico.
030. First Love at first sight: prince eric from the little mermaid. and all my other imaginary husbands always ended up with the same name as well. T___T
031. First Big Birthday: 9 at the golden arch. didnt we all had that for at least once in our life?
032. First Surgery: the removal of my wisdom tooth(?) I SWEAR IT WAS EVIL!
033. First sport you joined: sprinting.
034. Orange or Apple juice: neither.
035. Rock or Rap: both.
036. Country or Screamo: both.
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys: 5566. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! eh laugh eh.
038. Britney spears or Christina Aguilera: christina.
039. Night or Day: both.
040. Sun or Moon: both.
041. TV or Internet: Both.
042. Playstation or xbox: playstation!
043. Kiss or hug: hugs.
044. Iguana or turtle: iguana.
045. Spider or bee: spider.
046. Fall or spring: both.
047. Limewire or iTunes: limewire.
048. Soccer or baseball: soccer.
049. Eating: edible.
050. Drinking: minum milo anda jadi sihat dan kuat! nolar. coffee.
051. Excitement level: level 27 dengan kuasa ghaib harris periuk.
052. I'm about to: feed my lazy dog with steroids.
053. Listening to: the power rangers soundtrack. power chords giler! teehee.. ^_^V
054. Plan for today: buat reading log dan mengbelog untuk pembaca setia.
055. Waiting for: mew to come to msia.
056. Energy Level: due ratus lapan puluh tujuh peratus. *yatta!*
057. Thinking of someone: kawan-kawan di siberjayer. hur hur hur...
058. Want kids?: tak nak. *muka mengada*
059. Want to get married?: erm.. tak berape minat buat skang. *muka mengada 2897312%
060. When?: ish. kan dah kater tak nak! *muka cimb*
061. How many kids do you want: tak paham bahase. benci!
062. Any name on the mind: aznil nawawi. tom tom bak bersamer abang aznil! *pew weeeet!*
063. What do you want to do: nak gi shopping kat pavillion. kedai guess kan ader diskaun. teehee..
065. Mellow future or wild: i nak liar macam si tigger kat kartun beruang pooh! teehee.. ^^V
066. Something you would never try: erm.. kontrol cun kat depan balak i. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
067. When do you want to die: ish.. doser cakap pasal mati kat bulan lima haribulan sebelas!
068. Lips or Eyes: nak mater macam bered pittS ngan bibir cam anjelina joli! seksi diorang kat dalam citer tuan dan puan smith.
069. Romantic or Funny?: kelakar. tak best ar kalo asyik beromen jek kan?
070. Shorter or Taller?: i tak kisah sebab i pun tak lah tinggi sampai maner. *malu* teehee..
072. Romantic or Spontaneous?: i suker laki yang spontan. macho gilerrrr! teehee.. ^^V
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms?: kalau boleh i nak nice... teehee.. *malu*
074. Sensitive or Loud?: dua-dua kena balens.
075. Hook-up or Relationship?: relationship.
076. Trouble Maker or Hesitant?: good mix of both.
077. Muscular or normal: insignificant.
078. Kissed a stranger: no.
079. Broken a bone: dislocated my spine. so no i havent broken a bone.
080. Lost glasses or contacts: belum pernah lagi.
081. Ran away from home: sekali je.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defence: no.
083. Killed somebody: no.
084. Broken some one's heart: hopefully not.
085. Had your heart broken: we live we learn.
086. Been arrested: no.
087. Cried when someone died: yes.
088. Liked a friend more than a friend: *looks at ground and kicks imaginary dust*
089. Yourself: love myself. surelah ade. teehee..
090. Miracles: takes place at the most unexpected of times.
091. Love at first sight: only happens to one in a million. unless youre delusional all the time.
092. Heaven: upstairs.
093. Santa Claus: is struggling with Atkins. its the potatoes. its always the potatoes. *sighs*
094. Tooth Fairy: was made up to fool ignorant white kids and asian anglophiles. just like the SATs.
095. Kiss in the first date: *yawns*
096. Angels: twelve.
097. Is there 1 person you want to be with right now? : no.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you're in life now? : yes.
099. Do you believe in God? : yes.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people.

• ten people.

are you are you?

many a times

we're sure we know;

we know we know;

we think we know;

do we really?

we want them

fast.

immediate.

right here

right now.

do we really?

many a times

i was sure i knew;

i knew i knew;

i think i knew;

did i really?

are you are you?

this too shall pass

at times

we're really just as ignorant.

augustus,

lorenzo,

maria,

unknown.

it's just a phase.

we drink, we dance, we live.

happiness.

temporary happiness.

at times

we're really just as ignorant.

mominhup gor, cheng lei yun liong ngo ba!

aunty fay used to say to me, "if you know you shouldnt have done it then why did you even do it?"

how do i answer to that? "because im an idiot who should take my foot out from my mouth but then i'll somehow find another way to put it back in again"?

this is not a sad post. just a way of apologizing to this friend that ive hurt today. hes probably gonna read this so i guess this is the only way i could think of to tell him how sorry i truly am. i hate to see myself as one of those people who apologizes so many times that they word "sorry" eventually loses its meaning. i know im contradicting myself here but YES i admit that i am a totally clueless idiot at times like these! T_____T

i just hope you know that no matter what happens, i truly appreciate having a friend like you. i know youre gonna roll your eyes and throw a towel rack at me once youve read this. but thats how i really feel right now. im sorry for being such an idiot. if watching me pretending to be a disney princess and prancing around with 4 1/2 inches heels will make you feel better, then to prance in heels i shall! (although i secretly enjoy prancing around and pretending im a princess at times T______T).

so there you have it. embarassing fact no.1898712.

saya sayang pada kamu ya kawan. tolong jangan marah lagi. saya jadi puteri disney esok okei? *shy*