My Starbucks Partner

Current mood: Blue
Listening to: Norah Jones - Don't Know Why

Tomorrow will mark the official "one-week" period of us being away from each other. Your absence finally sank in yesterday. Even more so when I went down to get an idd card. There was this funny, kiddish excitement I had; like waiting for a whole good 12 months till christmas came again. And then when I tried calling that stupid 1-800 number after following the instructions given, for some reason it couldn't be used on a Digi number. Either that or I'm just a blind duck when it comes to reading instructions. =/ I don't know why, but after the fourth and final attempt, there was this whole feeling of sadness seeping in.

It was even worst when I was getting frustrated over the phone when your Shayne Ward song came on mtv. I never was much of a fan of your music selection, but that song reminded me of that night (or morning?) we had in Pavillion; where we sang our lungs out till 3am and then made that stupid video on your mobile phone. Just the mere thought of it is more than enough to make me want to sink in to another bawl fest. =(

That night when you were damn emo at the hotel after my birthday, I was so mad at you for not being able to get over yourself. I said a million stuffs which must have made you want to knock me unconscious on the bathtub. I don't know how to put this into words. Pretty, sweet, fancy lil words which you want to hear. It's just not me. I guess that's why things got awkward as you were nearing to leave. It made me think about so much stuff all at once.

I thought it would be much easier to put this down in writing. Apparently it's just as tough. I don't know why. But seeing you leave felt like a huge... loss? It was more than losing just another Starbuck's kaki. It was like... losing a sister. It saddens me to see you going off as... you. You were so strong yet so weak at the same time. Us being apart from each other. You being there and not having anyone close to talk to. You being there and constantly questioning if you're ever going to be good enough; so easily baring yourself to everyones access. You being the same old you.

I hope you're able to cope well with life there. I wish we had gotten closer way back in high school. I wish we had spent more time together. I wish we didn't waste so much of our time in Starbucks complaining about life. I wish I had been an even better friend when you were so much closer.

I miss you. =(

Words

Funny how things work in life.

Sometimes I feel that words can express how you truly feel, at the same time it could also cover up the person you really are. It's funny how people are so gullible when it comes to words. Perhaps Shakespeare was never really the greatest poet, but the greatest manipulator instead. The way he tricked people from centuries back, even till now, into feeling what he wants them to feel. Every single word is so beautifully formed and arranged that we just couldn't help but fall hard and deep for it.

It may sound irrelavant but still... I think it's funny how things work in life.

Dark Nights

The cpu is making this whirring sound non-stop. Even the seemingly muffled noise was more than enough to break the silence of the dining room. I could hardly remember how annoyed I used to get with it. Somethings have been so long since we had last done it that every little thing could surprisingly seem like a whole new fresh memory ready to be imbedded in; all over again. Just like yesterday.

It has been quite a while since I could remember the taste of bitterness mixed with a tinge of a lemon's sourness. It's like rubbing salt on wounds. It doesn't matter how long it has been. As long as it hasn't healed well, it still exposes itself to chances of being infected; all over again.

It was sometime around three something when it took place. I remember being in the dark room hearing Katrina's alarm clock going off when the buzz came in. It was already 4am. It was so surreal and there was just no way to stop the overwhelming take over of any sanity left.

I screamed so hard that I woke up with a terrible sore throat and voice which resembled something of Macy Gray's. I cried so hard that I could've easily lost all the water weight I had ever gained. I sang so loud that I could easily drown the morning prayers from the nearby mosque. And worst of all, I poured out so much internal confusion to Dad that it made him listen with no sarcastic comebacks for the first time.

It was an awkward moment. It build up tension that had been long gone along the tired ride home. Home. I miss that. I may be already here for a while, but I still missed what we used to have. Maybe not everything. Not how I used to see Dad the same way when I was still a child. Not how I used to see his path to destruction brought so much pain to Mom. Not how I used to stay awake till Korkor returned from outside after everyone had slept from so much tears so that he did not have to face any of it. Not how I thought I had to protect Katrina when in fact she was still too young to understand a single thing. Not how I saw everything as something I swore myself against.

Now the further I go, the more I see myself like my Dad.

The further I go, the more I realize how big the hole i had dug since a child had already become.

The further I go, the more I realize the amount of things I've already lost grasp of.

The further I go, the more I realize that I'm actually still at the same position I was when standing outside my parents bedroom door.