split personality

ive been feeling very dr jekyll and mr hyde-ish for the past couple of weeks. very much.

who are we?

since the beginning of the semester, ive been thinking of doing something that i probably would never think of doing at such an early stage of my life. thats where it remained; just a thought.

it was not until recently that i decided this was something that i really should put into action. so far, i had only shared this plan to three of the people whom i have known to be the most sensible and logical of the others - uncle shane, leo and wei kiat. it did come off pretty surprising even to me when they supported it. i guess part of me was thinking that perhaps its too crazy as well, though i avoided myself from pondering too long upon it as i didnt want this to be another case of overthinking and it ends up not happening at all.

theres this friend of mine, derick, whom ive known for more than a decade. we call each other our AA partners. we have this connection where it gets pretty scary at times. hes the kind of friend who you hardly keep in touch with, but the phone always rings when youre at a crossroad; now this is the scary part, we always land at the same crossroad at the same time.

the day before yesterday, he called me out of the blue as he wanted some opinions about this paper that he was doing about the machu picchu civilization. it started with:

how would you define humanity?

and it churned out hours worth of discussion about how we as humans, are always seeking for more in life when we already have an abundance, and how we are always dissecting things around us in hoping to discover more. is this just a mere quest for knowledge and material wealth? or does it go deeper than that? is it an act of our own insecurities in the inability to know ourselves and our own culture that we need to "rectify" this situation but trying to understand others and their culture?

such is life. we are constantly in search of the truth, but to know that truth is relative, therefore this is also to say that truth doesnt really exists. so what is it we are seeking for then?

we each shared a story regarding this question. his was the indian fable of murugan and ganesh circling the universe, and i, the experimental ideology of putting three men in a cave by aristotle.

we realized a flaw within the range of definitions of humanity and civilization that was already written in texts; there were mostly evolved within the context of art, language and culture, and based from the author's point of view. so this is to say that he was defining it based on his reality. but how could this definition be comprehended by the rest when our visions on what reality differs from the next person? this great civilization in peru for example, there were no records in writing anywhere, and yet we know so much about it; is that why we know and therefore able to justify it as a great civilization? and is this to say that if we never knew anything about them except for their architecture that has stood against the test of time, they are therefore uncivilized? such a paradox isnt it?

after our conversation, i started thinking that perhaps im more of a murugan than a ganesh. i need to literally go around the universe instead of just encircling my parents; as much as i hate to admit it, i know that they are not my universe. (now i feel like si tanggang T__T).

as the days draw nearer, i am more and more terrified if this plan is going to work out. im constantly put into fear with my minds what ifs. albeit all these fear and excitement, i know that it is something i should do. perhaps unknowingly, i am 生在福中不知福. all this while i had always been so sure that i wasnt one. but now as my mind slowly see things clearer, i realized that they are traits in me which points directly to that proverb.

although im not sure what would happen after ive taken this step. whether or not i would come back an improved version of me, that is left in the hands of God. but the one thing that im sure of right now is that i have to put myself out there in order to come back as a more appreciative person for the people and things that i have around me.

vital information for everyday life

produk ini mengandungi lebih 4, 000 bahan kimia termasuk tar, nikotina dan karbon monoksida yang membahayakan kesihatan.

translated version:

this product contains more than 4, 000 chemicals including tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide that endangers health.

now i know.

ok thank you.

unsent letter

everyday in life we make choices and decisions. sometimes good sometimes not so good and whichever it is we have to move on. its scary when you think about how some not so good decisions could either be brushed off casually as we live on to another day or it could be in a way 'life altering'.

if we were to take the time to ponder upon our past decisions, in one way or another, it lives with us for the rest of our lives. sometimes even us realizing it. the person we are today, the place we are in right now, the life that we are living, are made up of the accumulation of our past decisions.

however, does that mean we have to be extremely cautious before we make each and every decision from here on?

like how you had decided on this. no one really did or even try to stop you did they? they all knew it was your life and yours only. there really wasnt much to be said. they knew that you were old and wise enough to decide upon your range of choices.

do you stop for a day to think if it was the wisest?

the choices that came after you chose that route; have you ever paused at an intersection of your life to look back at the people youve had to step upon to get where youve gotten at today? has it even crossed your mind to take a short halt? or do you just live by the motion of not looking back and just moving on?

somedays i wished you were still there. the old boy we used to know. the kid whom we used to run around with. the one who stole car keys and drove all the way without a care of our child-like reckless behaviour. its so easy to just leave - the whats and weres of our past years. so easy indeed.

some of us instead just sit and type out long unimportant unsent letters.

its awfully easy to take what we had and have for granted. we are always so careless of the things that comes so easily into our destructive hands. perhaps thats what we were and will be, destructive by nature. even we dont realize it. we have been so comfortably nestled all these years that we dont even think of how are we going to deal with the grief when these little things slowly slip through our fingers, like the billions of sand we have allowed to just get blown and thus taken away by the ever changing wind. every single day. thats how much we've lost in the short period of time.

this beating machine of mine. it is such a funny thing. it beats for every joyous occasions and the little shortcomings along the way. but it never changes it beat. its rhythm. it still beats for the things that has been hurting it for the past countless years. and yet it still beats whenever the opportunity comes for a short but happy reunion. it choses to be dillusional. you see, to be dillusional is sometimes an option. one that could bring temporary happiness, but nevertheless, still a piece of joy. it beats for that then. and it will still beat for that now. or even in the future.

recently it has been hiccuping. more than the usual. what if one day it decides to stop? what if one day its plug is pulled? will it still believe that it is still beating for the same reasons? only that it is no longer physical. is that how it will be in the coming days?

if only it knew how.

when i really should bury my nose back into media law which is on the top of my list of things to burn come november 21st.

hello people! hows everyone with their mugging for their coming finals? HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.. i cant believe i just asked that to an empty room.

anyways, heres wishing leeyi, victor, angelin, chanz, john, anne, karwoon, and to all those that i didnt mention all the best in the coming exams! im sure you guys will do well lar but still its nicer to put it in words here right? hahahahhaha..

so, this past two weeks havent been the best but then it always catches me by surprise when i least expect it to. amidst all of the depressing days, im suddenly getting phone calls from people at night whom i havent spoken to for ages. :') i have to keep reminding myself to focus on all the blessings in disguise really. that and all the little treasures of the friends i still have who still hasnt gotten sick of my shit yet. hahahhahaha.. i love you all.

i was gonna write bout something but then i think i should keep that for when i have more time to do mindless shit like updating this blog. hahahhahaha...

oklarbabai and good luck with the coming papers.