walk

the problem with me is that i tend to overthink. no matter how much i try to avoid it, i will soon end up making back the same mistake before i can ask why. 

recently, this ridiculous habit finally took its toll and i had to pay a very painful cost. how much i wished that i could turn back time and lock myself in a room so that i wouldnt be able to do that damage. 

i wouldnt exactly say that i completely regret of the things that had happened. of course i am dissapointed at myself at the result of my habit, but then again, if i didnt make that mistake, i wouldve probably not realized how destructive to relationships it could be. 

trusting someone had never been easy. thoughout the years, i had always kept a distance from everyone i know. no matter how close we are. i hate myself for it. trust me. i really do. but then ive always thought that it doesnt matter much for its not like its hurting people around me. how wrong i was. 

for the past week, i 'forced' myself to just quit thinking and learn to trust and accept. but then in the end i couldnt take it anymore as it just wasnt me to not 'over-rationalise'. right now, im still paying the price for it. after all that has been said and done, i know that i can never undo that mistake that i did. all i can hope for is that i dont do anymore further damage to what seems to be already partially broken. i really cant afford to lose anymore than i already have. 

the more i get to know other people, the more i realize how ignorant i had been all these years. how narrow minded i was. how silly my thoughts were. i still do stand up for what i believe is right. but i need to give myself the time to really analyze if it IS truly right. and not get buried alive in the gravel of self-rightousness. its silly. 

im just holding on to the phrase: "time will heal all wounds". i just pray that it isnt too deep to the point of just a painful scar of my mistakes.

we are the water bearers

this whole feeling of independence

it pours in

smashing down walls of self-doubts

it drowns all fears

fear of loneliness

fear of sadness

fear of unhappiness

its liberating!

for the past couple of months, i had been so blinded by the current confusion in front of my eyes that ive forgotten about the essence that helped me survive till this day. it's time i brought them out of their cases. i miss this feeling. 

this feeling of being fearless. 

this feeling of taking risks.

this feeling of not stepping down without a fight.

this feeling of knowing that we dont foster weakness.

i miss the old me. ive been away from myself for far too long now. 

how much ive missed this warm embrace.

Saya Dibubuhi Tanda

1. The person who last tag you is: Fui Yin.

2. Your relationship with him/her is: Chilli-tuna-eating-in-math-class-at-14 classmate (for five years)... as classmates, not the tuna eating.

3. Your five impression of him/her: Sporty, Diligent, Persistent, Debater, Intelligent.

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you: Brought 'beng pei' mooncake from home coz i liked them so much. T.T

5. The most memorable thing he/she had said to you: Everytime she starts of her sentence with: "Ei Karen! Your kuan yin ma ar!!!" Whenever she's mad at her, she looks at me as if I'm actually related to this Goddess. T.T (Well IT IS memorable).

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will: Tell her that my impression towards lesbians went sour after Mdm Xin Fu. *shivers*

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be: To stop relating me with kuan yin ma. Though I know we look freakily alike in our Form 1 class photo. (You don't er chui lor fui yin. Don't think I don't know that you'll go and dig back our yearbook and laugh at it. T_______T).

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will: Convince her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father knows someone who owns the whole arsenal team.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be: Confess to her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father doesn't really knows anyone that owns the whole arsenal team.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is: Pick her up from her uni so that we could do some catching up. It's been more than 2 years already. T.T

11. Your overall impression of him/her is: Football fanatic. (I know it's not exactly the most personal thing to say, but that's to prove my point of us REALLY having to catch up!).

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! no... seriously.

13. The characters you love of yourself are: Independent, Curious, Opinionated.

14. On the contrary, the characters you hate of yourself are: Procrastination.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is: Multilinguist.

16. For people that care and like you, say something to them: You really like me? Thanks! Here, have some candies! Seriously, for those who care for me, you'll know that i feel the same for them just as well. =) You still want some candies?

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you:

• Chanz
• Derick
• Hiro
• Katrina
• Lee Yi
• Leo
• Leong
• Rave
• Sadikin
• Wen Lhi

*Updated*

18. Who is no.6 having a relationship with? (Leo):

No one at the mo. I think.

19. Is no.9 a male or female? (Sadikin):

A little bit of both. Hohoho.. Dont worry. Sadikin is a full-fledged male.

20. If no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing? (Leong and Wen Lhi):

CAN!!! ish ish ish.. Both also so er chui. Eh wait. But wen lhi is already taken so.. 

21. What is no.2 studying about? (Derick):

Making triangle shaped buildings. Architecture Science.

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.6? (Leo):

Erm.. Sunday? Which is bout 3 days ago.

23. What kind of music band no.8 likes? (Rave):

Thai and Cantopop. HAHAHA!!! (p/s: true story).

24. Does no.1 has any siblings? (Chanz):

One jie jie and one mei mei. Kaaaaaaaa....... =D

25. Will you woo no.3? (Hiro):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

26. How about no.7? (Leong):

Erm... Unfortunately he's already off limits.

27. Is no.4 single? (Katrina):

Does being in love with yourself counts as being in a relationship?

28. What is the surname of no.5? (Lee Yi):

Ah Lai. She has the best surname you can bully for a chinese. Hohoho..

29. What's the hobby of no.10? (Wen Lhi):

Being a sexpot, reading manga, day-dreaming, swimming, being an ever er-chuier sexpot.

30. Does no. 4 and 9 get along? (Katrina and Sadikin):

Yezzu yezzu.

31. Where is no.2 studying at? (Derick):

Limkokwing.

32. Talking something casually about no.1 (Chanz):

We love, hate, annoy, and yet need each other. It's a freaky symbiosis.

33. Where does no.9 lives at? (Sadikin):

Cyberia. The room beside the bathroom with funky lights.

34. What colour does no.5 likes? (Lee Yi):

Pink.

35. Are no.5 and no.1 best friends? (Chanz and Lee Yi):

They do know each other. They do plan pretty awesome birthdays which usually consists of Victor in a black garbage bag outside hotel rooms.

36. Does no.1 has any pets? (Chanz):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

37. Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world? (Leong):

*shifty eyes*

38. What is no.6 doing now? (Leo):

Catwalking around Nexus with a swollen eye and long face. And working.

Self-control

Control.

It's all bout control.

Then it'll be ok.

Beachcomber

A couple of months back I happened to come across a piece of seashell on the beach. I was immediately awed by its beauty even while standing on the sandy ground under the hot sun. I turned it to the left, then a little to the right, and back again to the left, it gleamed like a piece of precious stone in my palm.

I kept it in a box. It was my little secret. Long have I wanted to string it into a necklace but then there were the constant doubts of whether it should be worn like a piece of accessory. I wasn't sure if it was right for me. 

Days came and went just like that, until one day I decided to bring this little shell out of the box. Coincidental perhaps, but it managed to ward off some bad stuff that day. That night, I gazed at it admiringly for its make-believe mystical power. 

Next thing in the morning I will string it and wear it proudly for all to see! But little did I know that for the past months of this little habitat of a once living creature, had turned fragile after being away from the sea water for far too long. 

I was the happiest kid in town. Silly perhaps, but definitely on cloud nine with that piece of shell. I believed that with it, I no longer had to feel afraid of the evil powers around. I was safe. I felt protected. How delirious I was. 

After exactly a week, as I was blowing away imaginary specks of dust on it, I accidentally puffed a little too strong and it fell from my hands onto the cold tiles. It was smashed to smithereens. I wasn't prepared to lose it yet. I had only worn it for a week. It was too soon. Far too soon. I wanted it back. I wished I didn't try to clean it. Perhaps then it wouldn't have fallen onto the ground. At least I would still have it in my palms now. 

How much tears I have shed over that piece of shell I have no idea. All I knew was that I just wanted it back really badly. So much so that I was too paranoid to leave the house without it. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. Like I was going to be blown up by some wizard out of the corner or something. 

I tried to glue it back. But then I only made it worst. 

I looked at that piece of shell. At the mess I have turned it into. 

Was it still salvageable? I really don't know. Hopefully.

That night, I dreamt that I was back at that beach. The sun was still there baking everything it could reach with its beams. It was exactly the time when I first found that shell. Then I realized something. As I was walking nearer towards it, I was in fact stepping over and crushing other sea shells as well. There was a whole beach filled with them! From clam shells to sand dollars. 

As I woke up, I realized that the little piece of shell that I found was not the only one there is. 

I opened up the wooden box and looked at the damage that I've done earlier. Regretful I was. But I knew I shouldn't be too sad over it. Though shattered, I don't think I could bring myself to put it into the bin. It was afterall the very first piece that made me believe in magic all over again.

aqualung

Need to know 
I don't wanna know 
Already know 
I've seen the signs 
I watch you as you pull yourself away from me 

Can't believe 
I wanna believe 
How can i believe 
You're making me doubt 
I thought i knew you 
I don't even know myself 

I'm losing faith 
I'm losing all faith 

I wanna fight 
Afraid to fight 
Why don't i fight 
And make you see 
I hold my breath 
And disappear inside myself 

I'm losing strength, i'm losing all strength 

Don't ask me to start 
Ask me to start 
Just don't ask me to start again 
Start again 

I'm losing you

has been

i should have known from the start that this was all too good to be true. 

how could i have been so blind to it?

avoiding was only going to make things worse.

i really should have known better.

one day, 

the dust has to settle.

all i really want is to be happy.

just happy.

and contented.