Creative Pieces of the Distorted Mind

I've been having one of those days again. Those days where everything I do, everything I see, everything I pass, is barely noticed. It's like this daze feeling when in fact I'm just stuck in this muse which I can't get out off.

There were those days where I could just snap out of it and just move on with life. Then there are days like these where I just don't know what to do or where to go. Many times in the past years have I had my fair share of both being dissapointed and dissapointing. I hate to admit it but it seems that in the past 2 years, the latter has been more or less a stigma which goes along with the mention of my name.

I don't know which is worse; the thought of being extremely unproductive, or that I can't pull myself out of this. Why is it that whenever I think that this time it's going to be different, I never fail to prove myself wrong. Right now I wished that I could just huddle in a corner and cry my heart out like how I used to. Because then after the tears have dried, I could just move on with life. But now I just can't seem to do that anymore. Not only do I find it almost impossible to tear, but also to just brush off those thoughts and continue walking.

Everytime I turn to my right and stare at the list which I had done to remind myself of the worst that could happen, I only seem to find myself staring aimlessly at the white piece of sheet. These things which was once effective for me to get hold of myself seems to be drifting off further and faster. The harder I stare, the faster the black ink seems to be fading back into the white until all that is left is just the reflection of how out of hand I had allowed things to become.

I wished I could just kneel down, or fall back, or collapse even. Whatever it takes just to make me feel the urgency of all this that is happening. Right now, time is spinning so fast that I couldn't even catch a mere glimpse of the whirlwind I'm in. All I could see and feel is as if I'm in a vacumm. Just waiting till my physical being could no longer stand it and disperse into a million separate particles and be sucked into whatever that is surrounding this timeless space.

An hour had passed since I started this post. I was hoping that I could end this nicely. Maybe put it some optimistic lines to make myself feel better. Like how writing always makes me feel better. But somehow I can't seem to do that this time. How pathetic is it that I couldn't even fake a happy note to finish this up?

am i?

Went to class at 10am today. It was supposed to be a "two chaptered" lecture today. Which holds a lot of logic on why I actually dragged my ass there in the first place. Arrived 30 minutes later and turned out that the lecturer had just arrived as well. Oh well, blessing no.1 so just stay awake and attentive in class then. It's not everyday that you arrive half an hour late and the authoritive figure just stepped in as well. blablabla..

Anyways, before the mid of the class and I was already starting to get restless. "I've googled this topic anyway, so what exactly am i doing here? oh wait... parents' paid for me to be seen in class. okay.. listen karen listen!" Another 5minutes and I seriously felt like I was going to lose it already when kg walked in. There is a God! I seriously can't imagine how I could've survived this morning's class without him beside me! So after a while, Azmir asked if we needed a break, and some girl in front started shaking her head like she was in trance or something (wtf?!!! this woman must have never heard of the day liquor was invented!) so yeah i screamed YES!!! at the top of my lungs, okay maybe not screamed but more of a mental-screaming kind of situation. And FINALLY we got the break and i was talking abit with kg while leeyi went to get some breakfast. OH GOD!!!! i tell you! it's not funny when i say that this is what i need on days like these. it doesn's have to be serious intellectual shit. just talking with someone whom you know (or i would like to believe) is on the same line as you. wait. a cig break. before i pass out on the keyboard. brb.

okay im back. i just realized that im not using the proper punctuations. but wth. okay so here goes. we were talking bout some stuff and i was thinking to myself "i wanna return to this life! i want it so badly! why am i thinking bout what would others think about me? why am i doing this? why am i having this contemplative thoughts? why am i being paranoid within my head? why? why? why?"

i know that people are reading my blog. and i know that these people are those who knew me since the day i was a fat head prefect. yes! i was (actually still am, only with longer locks) fat and a head prefect. i seriously have no idea what am i rambling about or whatever and since its my blog then i shouldnt take a heed of their thoughts right? okay perhaps only when im tipsy. ah~ the beauty of getting wasted with no one at home. the wonderfullness of being alone for the whole effing weekend! btw, i first spelled weekend as weekind, then weekand before i got the thing correct and had the pleasure of informing the readers (if i might say that) with the moving of my right hand on the mouse and click on the italic button. see im telling you that now!

blablabla.. so yea, i talked to him and effa and got some personal mindfucks of whether to go or not to go (i sound like shakespeare now) and then went home in an effing cab which cost me rm15! ah~ the price of clearing of some mindfucks.

and then got home and typed a bit and then read a bit and then napped a bit. and here i am now with creep blaring on the speakers. and passing out once in a while on the type board. type board? okay maybe i'll call it type board now. if youre reading till here you might not want to continue since its gonna consist of mindless rambles.

hahaha.. i just had a thought. my homies are reading this! not exactly friends and not exactly acquantices (did i get that right?) but BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! homies and acquantices! hahahaha.. i crack myself up at times!

i just heard the door slam. maybe someone is home. i have no idea what to write already and yet im still typing since it makes me feel so intellectual by the moment. hahahhahaa... am i funny? yes tell me i am when you see me in uni. wtf?

i signed it with the thought of writing something about how mindfucked uni has been but then i decided to gulp down some liquid before that and look what am i now? i dont think im gonna leave this in the "unposted" archive since ive already have tonnes of that in the waiting-to-be-edited-hence-unposted section so yea im just gonna post this up to remind me of the sweet taste of cold hard liquor. am i going to hell? maybe. im too tipsyfied (?) to bother. so if you wanna stay by my side then heres what you have to deal with when im mindfucked to bits. if not then kindly leave me stranded by the pool, seconds before i drown myself and then wake up a couple of hours later and find myself dead already. i need to go for another cig and then voluntarily pass out on my retro-sheeted bed. night and toodles people.

lots of love,
karen the ukelele playing bandit wtf?!!!

tata.

Desaria is the bomb y'all!!!

Selamat pagi tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekalian. It's 10.58am so kira pagi lar still.

Alright. What happened today was, Cik Karen's bowel decided to go all operation diarrhoea on her and dengan itu, she was stuck clunching her blanket against her tummy for the whole day and having an expression of someone constipating plastered on her face dari pagi lagi. Does that make any sense? Seriously lar. For some reason, I've been feeling extra-stupified for the whole week already. Not exactly being depressed lar, but more of just plain demotivated and unproductive. And I'm seriously worried that this is gonna prolong sampai minggu depan, coz it's already Sunday and I'm feeling more and more like forrest gump as the minutes tick by. -___________-

Therefore, I've came up with this brilliant solution (at your expense!) to overcome this temporary retardo syndrome; which is to do EXTRA mindless things to counter this epidemic that is taking over my week. And also that I so malas to explain to people who has been asking stuff like "so how's your uni? how's the hostel? nice or not?" that kind of questions which NEVER fails to be prompted when you're stuck in a high school reunion kinda thing. I know it's a bit late lar since I've been here for bout two years already... but still at least ada juga in the end right? blablabla.. here's the pics lar.

1. Tempat ku beristirehat setelah sekian lama berburuh di universiti pada siang hari.

2. This is the chair/side table/bag-hanger/sweater-dumper/hand-rest (yes i have weird sleeping positions okay!)/first-thing-i-see-when-i-open-my-eyes-if-im-not-facing-the-wall which has been there by my side (technically) whenever i'm stuck here alone on the weekends. *chokes on tears*

3. Yang berikutnya adalah meja studiku yang aku-bersumpah-bahawa-persepahan-yang-kini-ditampak-tidak-dipentaskan-dengan-sengaja. Aku sememangnya telah bertaubat bagi semester ini untuk belajar dengan bersungguh-sungguh setiap hari... erm minggu.. erm... bulan?

4. Ini pula adalah koleksi cakera padatku yang sentiasa berada di sampingku untuk menemani dan kadang-kala mendodoikan malam-malam yang kian sunyi menyepi~

5. Seterusnya adalah si monyetku yang dicuri dari bilik abangku sebelum aku berpindah ke kuala lumpur. bukan sahaja untuk menemani malam piluku, namun juga untuk sentiasa memperingatkan statusku sebagai seorang pencuri monyet plastik.

Sambung later. Have some stuff to do right now.