another step forward

despite all the anger, panic, frustration, exhaustion and tears, at the end of the day, deep down inside i know that it was all worth it.

why this strange feeling?

perhaps it was my mistake for underestimating it this time around.

was it built in just a day? a sudden change. an epiphany just struck. i couldnt remember it that well, as much as i wished so.

my heart just feels strange right now.

how do i describe it? its not entirely heavy, but it is at the same time. not from sadness. not from pressure. it just feels.. strange somehow.

since day one i had been reminding myself, "this is it. youve been given a second chance in life. dont waste it. just stay focused on each day. take it one step at a time. dont be over-ambitious. do what you can and leave the rest to God."

i would be lying if i said that it was easy. for those of you out there who had been breezing and nailing this, i wonder if it was just plain determination or did it take years of consistent practise before you got to where you are.

im not giving up this time. as much as the hurdles get higher each day, im constantly being reminded that this too shall pass. i can do this. i just need to have faith in myself and faith that He has bigger plans for me.

everytime i feel dejected and lost, i force myself to think of the Lord. this is when im reminded that the hardship and challenges thrown my way is all part of his big plan.

and a wave of serenity washes through me.

this humbling effect; there are no words i could think of to describe this. its like a realization of how small i really am. how miniscule. how easily it would to be overlooked just like that. and yet He didnt. and this is when i truly feel at peace.

for those of you who has known me well enough throughout the years, you could probably remember how im always complaining after a bad discussion in class. you would know how i couldnt stand ignorant people; people whos always saying that the lecturer is never good enough or well-informed enough, and yet never take the initiative or effort to optimize their knowledge capacity but rather sit down and complain. im sorry if i ever made you guys feel like a punch bag, but thank you for bearing with me everytime i start bitching bout them.

same thing happened today and there wasnt anyone around who i could complain to. so there i was, sitting at the stairway; alone, and frustrated. then i caught myself. "is this because i think that im better than them?"

you know that disgusted feeling you get when someone tells you that youre arrogant or selfish? its as if youre being slapped hard on your face. thats how i felt when i asked myself that question. i was extremely filled with disgust and loathe for having such ugly thoughts, and it took me so many years before i realized this problem.

i cant even remember what was the purpose of this post. i just felt that i needed to write something. and im glad that i did. im actually feeling much lighter now. so yes, the strange feeling is no longer lingering around. =D ok back to my assignments already. WOOOHOOOO~~!!!

being a nerd with the lousiest timing

its already 5.04am and im still doing my work. i have to hand in two drafts, one essay and on top of that, i have a quiz later that i still havent finished revising for.

i just completed the essay and both the drafts and realized that its already past 5am. im damn worried that one of these possibilities would happen:

1) revise for the quiz and hopefully get some sleep, and risk not remembering anything ive read or was said in lectures during the quiz due to the lack of sleep (i have a morning class later at 11am. i know its not THAT early but still i have to leave at 10am coz im taking the bus and i still have to take a shower and take a crap and all that so i have to wake up latest by 9am).

2) get some sleep now and pray that i have time to read up before the quiz and risk not having the time to do so and end up effing up the paper anyway.

being all paranoid and shit, i thought of just looking through the module outline of the chapters to get a rough idea on what we might be tested on tomorrow and HOPEFULLY i could just run through before i sleep and guess what? both the drafts that i thought was for tomorrow; one is due in week 5 (next thursday) and the other is in week 7.

fml.

T______________________________T

bila dua orang gendut bersembang di msn

Karenkok says:

wtf

rupa-rupanya adik lehu pun nak tengok akak karen gemuk balik...

T___T

leonardez says:

of course

keranamu malaysia

==

tak

i mean

kerana adik lehu tengah fat fat nya ta

tau

leonardez says:

so kena ada PREN

Karenkok says:

er chui lar

youre tall ok!

you dont look fat lor

leonardez says:

no no no

Karenkok says:

you think im tall also is it?

leonardez says:

tak bole cakap macam tu

huhuhu

Karenkok says:

if i had your height i will just makan dont care lor

leonardez says:

like what ive been doing for the past 21 years?

huhu

Karenkok says:

hmm?

*blink blink

actually i also put on weight

and its just FOUR days in segamat

can you imagine if its a week

i think my old clothes also cannot pakai

coz my mom cooked assam fish~

HAHAHHAAHAAHAHAAHHA

but i damn miss the food at home lar

T____T

its damn er chui lor

leonardez says:

assam ikann

Karenkok says:

after makan like nobodys business in segamat

come back to desa almost everyday i walk out alone to eat at the malay stall

T____T

cannot be disciplined ady

leonardez says:

hahaha

good eh

Karenkok says:

good your head!

its damn eowh lor this time

really damn scared that i will fat back lar

but then my brain keep telling me to eat

this is the scenario:

tummy: feed me.. feeeeeed meeeeee....

karen: stfu!

5mins later

karen: akak, nasi goreng kampung satu tambah ayam. nak peha eh. dgn satu teh o ais limau

fml

leonardez says:

haha

5 mins later

akak lagi satu

Karenkok says:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

dont lor

segamat really damn shiok lor

just eat and sleep only

T____T

if want to be babi no need to buy appeton weight gain

just go to segamat

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

how now brown cow?

i think i might be on the verge of completely losing my mojo for blogging.

:/

leeching off medusa's wifi

good evening ladies and gentlemen.

karen kok is now officially on a tight budget hence the not paying for internet and taking the bus to ioi everyday to leech off starbucks free wifi.

my dear friends who havent gotten a reply on facebook, please bear with me until 7pm everyday ok?

my wallet and kidneys are ever so grateful for your understanding.

thank you very much from the bottom of my ovaries.

until next time.

womb

the last time i was here, i thought that the things that i was searching for, all the knowledge and senses, the reality that i had to someday face - myself, in a nutshell; i thought it could be found out there. out amongst the busy streets and neon lights. i thought i would come to see aspects of me in that concrete jungle. for some reason i almost always discover missing fragments of myself in the midst of chaos; more often than not.

the past weeks were anything but peaceful. and yet i see myself thriving, paradoxically, in comfort, as i journeyed through this unpaved road. was it because this is the road less taken? i often thought. even till now i still havent been able to see a clear answer.

2010 was anything but a mark that i was looking forward to. it wasnt because 2009 was a breezy year. i guess it had something to do with how all that pain and sudden changes that took place back then, my being had grew accustomed to it. it was like a whole different set of "comfort zone". like how the story about the frog who was put in a pot of water with room temparature and slowly brought to boil and he was dead before he realized it. same sort of situation, different species of life.

dont be mistaken that im pessimistic about this year though. its just that it seems as if i have less things to look forward to this time around. not that ive lost that spark for life itself, but ive learned to savour each day as it unfolds. its a very simple sense of happiness.

im learning to let go off things that i dont have control of.

im learning to be more level headed when facing brick walls.

im learning to stop trying to please everyone because at the end of the day, you end up pleasing no one.

im learning to find the simple pleasures in life that i had all this while taken for granted.

im learning to appreciate life as it is.

hello 2010 =)

note to self: stop reading chick lits.

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Instructions: Look at the list and put an ‘x’ after those you have read. Tag other book nerds.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen x
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte x
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling x
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee x (boo radley was probably one of the coolest characters during my pre-pubescent days! *nerd mode on*)
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens x
11 Little Women - Louisa May Alcott x
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller x
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier x
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (i got it during my 12th birthday from aunty fay and its still lying around somewhere T___T)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger x
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll x
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens x
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen x
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (yes i know youve read this rave fml)
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden x
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (gave up before the curator died. i watched the movie though. hahahaha)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery x
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel (in progress)
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen x
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens x
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon x
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas x (one of my all time favourite author)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville x
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens x
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker x
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett x
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens x
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker (watched the movie as well)
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom x (angelin loves mitch albom because it gave her the idea of calling those days where people treats her like 'dear aunt agatha' as 'thursdays with angelin' hahahahha!)
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle x (hound of the baskervilles ftw!)
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton x
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (watched the play organized by the bangsar soroptomist club and it made me cry fml)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas x
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare x
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl x (didnt we love roald dahl, chanchal? hehehehe)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

i only read slightly more than a quarter from that list and most of them was before i graduated high school. evidence to self that i have grown dumber over the years fml.

note: feel free to tag yourselves if youre interested.

i am a chinese

勇往直前

je'taime mrs lai's cooking and bahau food

couple of weeks back, leeyi invited me over to her brothers wedding in her hometown. i know it sounds weird and all and how i was gonna turn up looking like a whole walking talking wedding crasher. hahahahahahha! i sort of had my doubts of having a great time and not feeling awkward but then that part of me who just wanted to dress up and meet up with leeyi after she left for perth and have nice food and mingle around with aunty-aunties kinda took over the part of feeling like a whole walking talking wedding crasher hahahahhaha wow this is a long sentence so heres a period.

but it was really fun! especially when i got to meet up with leeyi, leo and VICTOR after such a long time! but the part where it was the most enjoyable was probably where the three of us were walking around in our house clothes helping her parents with the preparation because as we all know only those who are really close with the wedding people get to walk around looking like crap and house clothes coz thats how we roll yo HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

in these three wonderful days, i was reminded of how truly blessed i was for having friends who still treats me like a million bucks eventhough im walking around damn confidently amongst all the dressed up relatives and aunty-aunties with my mr delicious tshirt with bite me on the back. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! like how we still love leo like a million bucks eventhough he looks absolutely ridiculous in some poor girls slippers with a huge ass lady bug on the straps and how we still love victor although he practically turned up (and stayed that way) wearing an XS singlet and board shorts and talking to little girls like a pedophile ("wow! youve got pretty big boobs for a 14 y/o girl) and wiping the chairs and working it like a lap dancer and reminding us every 2minutes about how hes gonna lap dance to all the uncle-uncles in front of their wives singing lady gaga's monster (he ate my ASS. he ate ate ate my ASS). yes despite all these we know we'll still love each other like a million bucks or even more like how we love a good bowl of hakka ham cha.

and let me tell you this people. lai lee yi's mother cooks the most amazing hakka ham cha and homemade kaya! its sooooo good that it deserves more than one 'o'! and the kaya is so good that i kept returning to the table for kaya! coz throughout the night i was just taking the kaya and eating them off the plate like how i would do to a bottle of peanut butter, and leeyi's popo saw me taking the kaya and she told me to take more of the dumplings that were supposed to go with the kaya and i just pointed at the otak-otak (which were also wrapped like the dumplings) on my plate and said "oo ok yea there! ive taken them already" and sheepishly walked back to our table hurhurhur.. i cant stop talking about mrs. lai's cooking lar. i just came back to pj in less than a day and im already missing it. T___T

leeyi really is the luckiest girl to have such a great family! eh im not patronizing ok! its true! her sisters are memang damn sporting! thank you miss lai for bringing me for supper after the wedding dinner and scrouging around the kitchen for snacks when i kept saying that im still hungry hurhurhur. i really cant help it that my stomach is a bottomless pit. she even took out a packet of bak gua (pork jerky) and told me to makan and dont have to shy shy and i thanked her by saying so nice lar your kitchen because in december also still got bak gua. i know i sounded like a total pig but as you all should know, quaint little hometowns are memang kryptonite to my diet plans. fml.

and then this morning around 8something while we were waiting for 2nd miss lai to wake up and go back to pj together, leeyi's dad asked us if we wanted to have milo or anything and i said its ok lar uncle. maybe later. its not because i was shy but because i needed my regular dose of caffeine and savoury malaysian-style breakfast. im not a milo-drink-for-breakfast kinda girl. for goodness sake you look at my tummy then you sure can tell ady one lar but maybe leeyi's dad wasnt paying attention on my tummy so he couldnt tell what kind of breakfast person i was. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!! uncle lai im just kidding ok? 

see lar. i really miss bahau so much already.

thank you lai lee yi and your lovely (do people still use this word? HAHAHAHAHA) family. i really enjoyed myself immensely during my stay there. =)

split personality

ive been feeling very dr jekyll and mr hyde-ish for the past couple of weeks. very much.

who are we?

since the beginning of the semester, ive been thinking of doing something that i probably would never think of doing at such an early stage of my life. thats where it remained; just a thought.

it was not until recently that i decided this was something that i really should put into action. so far, i had only shared this plan to three of the people whom i have known to be the most sensible and logical of the others - uncle shane, leo and wei kiat. it did come off pretty surprising even to me when they supported it. i guess part of me was thinking that perhaps its too crazy as well, though i avoided myself from pondering too long upon it as i didnt want this to be another case of overthinking and it ends up not happening at all.

theres this friend of mine, derick, whom ive known for more than a decade. we call each other our AA partners. we have this connection where it gets pretty scary at times. hes the kind of friend who you hardly keep in touch with, but the phone always rings when youre at a crossroad; now this is the scary part, we always land at the same crossroad at the same time.

the day before yesterday, he called me out of the blue as he wanted some opinions about this paper that he was doing about the machu picchu civilization. it started with:

how would you define humanity?

and it churned out hours worth of discussion about how we as humans, are always seeking for more in life when we already have an abundance, and how we are always dissecting things around us in hoping to discover more. is this just a mere quest for knowledge and material wealth? or does it go deeper than that? is it an act of our own insecurities in the inability to know ourselves and our own culture that we need to "rectify" this situation but trying to understand others and their culture?

such is life. we are constantly in search of the truth, but to know that truth is relative, therefore this is also to say that truth doesnt really exists. so what is it we are seeking for then?

we each shared a story regarding this question. his was the indian fable of murugan and ganesh circling the universe, and i, the experimental ideology of putting three men in a cave by aristotle.

we realized a flaw within the range of definitions of humanity and civilization that was already written in texts; there were mostly evolved within the context of art, language and culture, and based from the author's point of view. so this is to say that he was defining it based on his reality. but how could this definition be comprehended by the rest when our visions on what reality differs from the next person? this great civilization in peru for example, there were no records in writing anywhere, and yet we know so much about it; is that why we know and therefore able to justify it as a great civilization? and is this to say that if we never knew anything about them except for their architecture that has stood against the test of time, they are therefore uncivilized? such a paradox isnt it?

after our conversation, i started thinking that perhaps im more of a murugan than a ganesh. i need to literally go around the universe instead of just encircling my parents; as much as i hate to admit it, i know that they are not my universe. (now i feel like si tanggang T__T).

as the days draw nearer, i am more and more terrified if this plan is going to work out. im constantly put into fear with my minds what ifs. albeit all these fear and excitement, i know that it is something i should do. perhaps unknowingly, i am 生在福中不知福. all this while i had always been so sure that i wasnt one. but now as my mind slowly see things clearer, i realized that they are traits in me which points directly to that proverb.

although im not sure what would happen after ive taken this step. whether or not i would come back an improved version of me, that is left in the hands of God. but the one thing that im sure of right now is that i have to put myself out there in order to come back as a more appreciative person for the people and things that i have around me.

vital information for everyday life

produk ini mengandungi lebih 4, 000 bahan kimia termasuk tar, nikotina dan karbon monoksida yang membahayakan kesihatan.

translated version:

this product contains more than 4, 000 chemicals including tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide that endangers health.

now i know.

ok thank you.

unsent letter

everyday in life we make choices and decisions. sometimes good sometimes not so good and whichever it is we have to move on. its scary when you think about how some not so good decisions could either be brushed off casually as we live on to another day or it could be in a way 'life altering'.

if we were to take the time to ponder upon our past decisions, in one way or another, it lives with us for the rest of our lives. sometimes even us realizing it. the person we are today, the place we are in right now, the life that we are living, are made up of the accumulation of our past decisions.

however, does that mean we have to be extremely cautious before we make each and every decision from here on?

like how you had decided on this. no one really did or even try to stop you did they? they all knew it was your life and yours only. there really wasnt much to be said. they knew that you were old and wise enough to decide upon your range of choices.

do you stop for a day to think if it was the wisest?

the choices that came after you chose that route; have you ever paused at an intersection of your life to look back at the people youve had to step upon to get where youve gotten at today? has it even crossed your mind to take a short halt? or do you just live by the motion of not looking back and just moving on?

somedays i wished you were still there. the old boy we used to know. the kid whom we used to run around with. the one who stole car keys and drove all the way without a care of our child-like reckless behaviour. its so easy to just leave - the whats and weres of our past years. so easy indeed.

some of us instead just sit and type out long unimportant unsent letters.

its awfully easy to take what we had and have for granted. we are always so careless of the things that comes so easily into our destructive hands. perhaps thats what we were and will be, destructive by nature. even we dont realize it. we have been so comfortably nestled all these years that we dont even think of how are we going to deal with the grief when these little things slowly slip through our fingers, like the billions of sand we have allowed to just get blown and thus taken away by the ever changing wind. every single day. thats how much we've lost in the short period of time.

this beating machine of mine. it is such a funny thing. it beats for every joyous occasions and the little shortcomings along the way. but it never changes it beat. its rhythm. it still beats for the things that has been hurting it for the past countless years. and yet it still beats whenever the opportunity comes for a short but happy reunion. it choses to be dillusional. you see, to be dillusional is sometimes an option. one that could bring temporary happiness, but nevertheless, still a piece of joy. it beats for that then. and it will still beat for that now. or even in the future.

recently it has been hiccuping. more than the usual. what if one day it decides to stop? what if one day its plug is pulled? will it still believe that it is still beating for the same reasons? only that it is no longer physical. is that how it will be in the coming days?

if only it knew how.

when i really should bury my nose back into media law which is on the top of my list of things to burn come november 21st.

hello people! hows everyone with their mugging for their coming finals? HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.. i cant believe i just asked that to an empty room.

anyways, heres wishing leeyi, victor, angelin, chanz, john, anne, karwoon, and to all those that i didnt mention all the best in the coming exams! im sure you guys will do well lar but still its nicer to put it in words here right? hahahahhaha..

so, this past two weeks havent been the best but then it always catches me by surprise when i least expect it to. amidst all of the depressing days, im suddenly getting phone calls from people at night whom i havent spoken to for ages. :') i have to keep reminding myself to focus on all the blessings in disguise really. that and all the little treasures of the friends i still have who still hasnt gotten sick of my shit yet. hahahhahaha.. i love you all.

i was gonna write bout something but then i think i should keep that for when i have more time to do mindless shit like updating this blog. hahahhahaha...

oklarbabai and good luck with the coming papers.

dizzy dancing and ice cream castles

this is gonna be an extremely short post i promise!

*shy mode on*

im blushing now and therefore yes this is me being ridiculously girly.

*shy mode off*

i cant believe that this guy that i used to have the hugest crush on had been leaving comments here and there around my blog for the past few years.

*shy mode on*

im so hopeless when it comes to musicians.

lead guitarists especially.

*shy mode on permanently*

1 9 6 9 what's the sound?

i was just looking through all my previous posts and realized that there were actually quite a number which never made it out of their drafting stage. most of them was when i first started blogging which was around 2004, and when i first started out my uni life.

theres a huge gaping difference the way i was then and now. few years back, the written posts were left as drafts because i wasnt too sure if i really wanted others to be reading about such intimate details of my life. this time around, i dont even bother blogging about it anymore. writing back then was such a liberating activity. now it feels like such a chore.

i really miss how i was more idealistic back then. how i allowed my mind to wander into whatever realms which it fancied and dared to venture into. it never came across that an imaginative mind was something to be shunned.

now i really do feel like such an old haggard soul. i keep creating barricades and concrete walls around this restless mind. creating boundaries. disciplining it. almost like enforcing it with military rules.

ive put the mind back into a box and shut the lid.

ive turned myself into a coward.

hmm..

maybe one of these days i'll post up an unpublished post when i had my heart broken for the first time. really brings back so much memories. =)

angsty post number two : 2 : dos : èr : 二 : dua.

please just get out of my face.

please.

my sanity and kidneys and ovaries would be eternally grateful if you would just get out of my face.

thank you very much.

xièxiè.

谢谢.

when your urine is filled with salt. dehydration. so dont drink your pee when youre thirsty.

"grow a fucking brain!"

ever had someone scream that at you? yea. me neither.

realize how people are always remembering you for your mistakes or screw ups? what about those times when you didnt screw up? they dont recall that do they?

what is it that im looking/asking for? an approval? recognition for what ive done? or perhaps just the mind wondering why is it that people only remember what youve done wrong instead of what youve done right?

when i close my eyes, i could see myself in one of these scenes where we watch on tv. those where a person is standing still while everything around them just zooms in the speed of light. kinda like a scene of this stage play that i watched when i was 15. its called the beacon of light or something. it was pretty crappy for a college production. i dont know. maybe i was just trying to be smart/thought that i was smarter than that.

ever tried typing something that sounds logical with a coherence while your ears are being buried with loud music? its pretty interesting. its like your mind is being stopped at red lights every couple of seconds. hahahhaha.. mind jam. marmalade. rasberry?

as i saw your number the other day. my mind spaced out. like the image of a man-made satellite floating in space. but in reverse mode. and fast. it was pretty surreal.

im such a girl sometimes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

no that wasnt me laughing. just tapping hard on H and A.

thats right.

you just wasted 2 minutes of your life reading this.

2 minutes.

thats right.

switch

since when did i approve of allowing this to happen? im so angry right now that its not even funny. im so angry that i cant even write! this is me lying my head on the bar top, starring into the almost glaring screen amidst this darkness and continue repeating step 1 and 2 till anger subsides.

all i really wanna do is throw in the towel and think fuck this shit but then i know myself better than that.

its so pathetic that i have to concentrate on my breathings to keep myself collected. its even more pathetic to be museuming this anger here.

you know what?

fuck this shit.

this is it

i'm falling out of love.

lorelix04

I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.

I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.

I'm falling out of love.

-anonymous

from here

when being yourself just isnt gonna work anymore.

at this moment, i dont want to be here.

at this moment, i dont want to be seen or heard.

at this moment, i dont want to be anywhere near anything or anyone.

at this moment, i just want to stop being myself.

the day i realized that my dad is not always right.

for the past couple of weeks, i was at the point where there were a lot of conflicting thoughts running through my head. i was trying to figure out what was that lost ingredient that was causing all these confusion. tried recalling the theories that were passed on by the adults when i was younger. everything was perfect to a tee but still the jarring gap was just too profound to be left unnoticed. there was just so much anger and confusion and hatred and even the feeling of indifferent at times which led to even more frustration and confusion. this is getting confusing but just try to stay with me here.

anyways, it took me a very loud and tears to laughter filled conversation with two good friends to make me realize what it was. im in fact laughing to myself as im writing this. for some reason, in the midst of all those love advices we were throwing around at each other, it suddenly reminded me of how i used to be when i was a kid.

back in kindergarten up till i was eleven, i used to be a feisty kid who was a teachers nightmare. one thing that they hated most was how i was always filled with opinions that cant be contained. i remember when i was five, i was the mc of my kindergarten's award presentation day. during the rehearsal, my principal turned off the switch on our mics. thinking that it was off by mistake, of course i turned it back on. my principal was taken by surprise when my voice filled the empty hall and ran towards me to turn it off again. i then told her that it was supposed to be on and she insisted that i turned it off to the point that she started raising her voice at me. *pauses to laugh at how young i was in my own head and ok back to the story* i have no idea how do i remember stuff like this but i somehow do and this is what i explained to her and im not kidding! "but then if we tried without the mics turned on, how would you know if its gonna sound right tonight?" HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! ok i probably said something like "how would you know if its correct" instead of "gonna sound right" but i was five back then so the 21 year old me has the right to change that like how we would for grammar simpatico ok. but let me tell you this, i remember how the principal didnt explain to me why there wasnt the need to turn it on and just told me to do as she said. i bet i was an annoying kid back then! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!

oh and there was this other time when i was in primary one meaning i was seven and there was this relief teacher who came for english coz miss abraham was on mc and she was teaching us about numbers and she was really crazy because she wrote this on the board:

14 - Fourteen

15 - Fiveteen

despite the fact that she or the board of education was probably on crack when they put her through as a teacher, i was probably on even more crack for telling her this in front of the whole class, "excuse me teacher, i don't remember whats the correct way for that number but im very sure its not fiveteen. it sounds something like fiveteen because it starts with an 'F' also but its not fiveteen". HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i swear that was exactly what i said you know why? coz my mom taught me all i had to know about numbers when i was five and i kept trying to recall what was it my mom said bout 15 when i was still using that colourful dinosaur school bag. you see thats how i recall periods of my life, through a distinct song or object. anyways, the teacher then scolded me "if youre so clever then why dont you come in front and teach instead. *points at 15* this is FIVETEEN and if you think its wrong then you can stand on your chair while copying this *points at greenboard* from the blackboard*". and you know why i said i was on serious crack? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! because i corrected her that its a GREENboard and then was sent out of class to copy it from the corridor through the window. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! guess what i did next? i left it blank and when miss abraham came back the next day to mark our exercise books, she scolded all of us for being so stupid to write FIVEteen and then corrected her that its FIFteen. and i was so happy that i jumped up from my seat *remember that she was still angry at this point!* and said out loud, "oh ya its FIFTEEN! thats what i told the teacher but then she scolded me so loud and chased me out from the class to copy from the greenboard from the corridor through the window". miss abraham laughed and then said that i wouldve got it right if i practised what my mom taught me. i defended myself saying that my mom taught me that when i was five so i couldnt remember things from THAT long ago and she told me to just admit that i was lazy for not practising.

the way i remember stuff that i remember is crazy i tell you!

and i nearly forgot the whole point of this post. HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! oh yea bout how my dad is not always right. hahahhahahha!!! anyway, this outspokenness to what i think is not right made me extremely unpopular among the kids and typically stupid teachers who for some ridiculous reason hated me for speaking up. and i used to complain to my parents bout it and my dad always reminded me to lay low and "not everyone likes the person who knows the right thing. so just lay low and keep what you know to yourself and just let them continue being wrong. at the end of the day, fighting back will only leave you at the losing end". lets face it, of course there were racial remarks inserted as well but lets leave that out of here.

so what im saying is, the things that i remember is really crazy. and how i hold on to them is even crazier. my dad probably meant well when he said those stuff. he was probably trying to teach me how to protect myself but didnt know how to explain them to a kid. of course i only have myself to blame because even when im already 21 now, i really shouldve had more brains to actually analyze those words than to take them as they are.

but its still funny now that ive figured out where and when i left that feisty and loud-mouthed chubby kid. now that ive found her, i sure hope i dont lose her again! =D

p/s: and this is to you for being such a jerk for the past few months. please get over yourself. it really wouldve made more sense if i had blonde hair and talked with the word "like" in a bimbotic manner after every three words and made every statement slurred up like a question at the end.

1, 2, 3 wont you come and play with me?

remember those days where each one of our school mates had a role in the play of school politics? one thing that i learned a couple of days back was that people resume that play long after they had left their school ground. the players and roles might have changed but the play still remains the same.

you have the the boss (teacher), manager (teacher's pet), trouble makers (still trouble makers, except that this is in the working field), and the passive ones (those who watch and chip in their two cents every once in a while). back in our school days, the teacher's pet played the role of the mole who reports back to the teacher of how the students are behaving and all that. They know that the other students are aware of the role they play, and they (teacher's pet) try to be part of the them (students) without being in the bad books of the teacher at the same time - being everyone's best friend without having to compromise their relationship with either party.

i remember a girl back in my secondary school who played the role of the teacher's pet. we knew fairly well that she's been the one informing the teacher about everything that went on in our own little class politics. she then tried to be on our good side by constantly making petty remarks about that teacher as well. we all know that play pretty well dont we?

somehow its just funny as i was watching the whole drama 'unfold' the other day just reminded me so much of high school.

so dont blame me when im being put in that position of being the middle person of both parties and the only words you'll get from me is 'i dont know'. not exactly the best way, i know. but it sure saves everyone a heck load of unnecessary drama.

lunch comes with pork.

www.slipandslidee.blogspot.com

go there for happy clappy posts. its very karerfoooor i promise!

robots 1 humans 0

26 July 2009: angry, resigned, and defeated.

27 July 2009: a brand new day.

breakfast with the fam

its not everyday i get to wake up at 7.30am and see the awesomeness of sunrays shining this way into our living room

by 8am it was already THIS bright! cool beans!

more awesome pics of sun

sunrays make cool pics. even cooler than pics of sunrays taken at your house.

trees and plants taken in vivid are cool too

notice how my camera takes blur pics of uninteresting things (cute little girls included) but never misses images of awesome chinese food? note: char siew pao =)~

i swear that kid was an attention hogger. luckily my camera was cool enough to not focus on her (so that makes it even cooler than your camera). lady taking our order of wu kok. p/s: i really couldve just said yam balls but the idea of my surname in there just made it impossible to resist. now say it fast 17times. wu kok not yam balls cheater!

dont underestimate their size. they may be small but their horridness is more than 28times its size! thats how bad they are.

yao char kuey (fried fritters) with fish filling inside and smothered with mayonnaise + salad cream. this will probably clog up every single artery and causes an immediate heart attack but they are to die for! parents hated it though. why do they have weird taste? =/

karen, eat us..

karen, eat uss.. again..

eat usss..

"eat ussss.. ngaummmm!"

this is good artery clogger, said katrina.

she was saying something boring and he was just looking bored. i think.

probably still torturing the man with her overly-used lame jokes. the man still looking bored.

woman is pissed coz no ones laughing at her random jokes (very very poor attempt at humour). woman is always doing the same thing everytime we go for breakfast.

the man behind dad is not our regular stalker. will show pics of said regular stalker some other time.

eat me..

eat mee..

eat meee..

eat meeeee..

eat meeeeeee..

eat meeeeeeeee..

eat meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..

please eat us already!

-the end-

if you've been anticipating for an update from this blog then stare at the image below for 47seconds for intensive mind stimulation.

you don't know psycho until you've seen psycho (no it's not the movie). hint: three letter word - begins and ends with the letter "M" and rhymes with "numb". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!fml.

Time

He who learns must suffer, and, even in our sleep,

pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart,

and in our own despair, against our will,

comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

- Aeschylus

1001 words to laughter.

that 3 seconds,

it reminded me of your silliness.

total randomness;

youre a donkey,

thats what you said everytime i laughed.

how long has that been?

your stupid comment always made me self-conscious. it never failed to make me wonder if i really sounded like a donkey. i remember trying to control myself. to force myself to laugh politely - ladylike, that's what they call it over here. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! i think it was even more disastrous! i had to force myself to unfunnysize everything that i felt was funny. and if you know me, EVERYTHING is funny to me. T___T well not everything exactly, but my brain always has a way to make it funny. i think this is the effect of being introduced to tony buzan before you enter primary one.

so where was i?

oh yeah. bout me trying to feminize my laughter. urm.. yea.. that didnt go so well. i think you saw that coming. so you told me to just go "i'd rather see you laughing like a donkey".

hahahahhaha.. i nearly forgot the point of this story. HAHAHAHAHHA... at your expense suckers!

so yea.. that day you told me that i laughed like a man because of my sore throat. well to be more precise, you actually said "can you at least TRY not to laugh while youre already sounding like a man".

so leeyi and victor, i know youre gonna miss my donkey laughter so much once youre gone. maybe leeyi will be glad that she got rid of what she deems as YALAR! YOU LAUGH UNTIL DAMN ANNOYING YOU KNOW OR NOT?!! im sure she'll secretly miss it when we're not geographically close anymore. hurhurhur.. and victor, i know you will miss this as much as i - everytime we end our loud and annoying laughter with WOOOHOOOOO!!! or sometimes WHEEEEEEHIUUWWWWWW!!!.

oh yea the point of this story is, we must laugh when we're at the airport! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! wtf.

project happyness

to sleep all day

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

to wake up and feel the sunshine on my face

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

with friends

we laugh and dance

jumping and reaching for our dreams

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

all i want is

to infinite this.

thank you (you know who you are)

thank you for all the memories.

glitch

they rush in colonies

like ants marching towards sweetness

a finger is put

a plastic ruler even

anything around us

blocking their little trail

unseen

a mark is made

running

running

to stop is not a possibility

in what we know as our path

how fickle minded

gullible

fragile indeed

from brown bunnies

to little white fluffs

drugged

how addictive indeed

to know that we're that fragile

cheap china in our own hands

an endless trail

a bottomless pit even

name it anything we want

anything the mind says

anything at all

a square

or circle

figments of an attempt at poetic depression

as we know it

another meaningless tragedy

like little corpses ran over

our own mechanics

its all in us.

Jay Aye Dee E Dee : jaded

i wish i were

but i know im not

unless

sacrifices were made

fatal sacrifices

the more i see

the worse i feel

and i know it wont go away anytime soon

why?

thats just the way it is

nose bleeds.

prozac

to be dependant is a blissful yet scary feeling. being answered to a dialing tone is something that i fear extremely. what has happened to me? it didnt used to be this way. there was always peace in writing and reading. right now my mind has made it a burden. an extremely tiring and exhausting burden. what has happened? it just didnt used to be this way. a first after such a long time, im seeing myself turning into someone dependant. and to know that there isnt one singled out person that i could fully rely on makes it even more painful and scary. what has happened? it definitely didnt used to be this way. im looking at myself getting more lost and confused each day. i want to stop this. but i just cant seem to find a way to do it. why am i still hanging on to this ghost? knowing very well that it cant go on this way. what used to be the solution is now shadowing who i really am inside. its as if im slowly losing myself in a whole new realm that i swore against from the very first time i recognized it. looking in that thin piece of silver and being mocked back. anything but welcoming. what has happened? 

its definitely not the cold of the night.

maybe all of us are just the same - wolves without a tail.

this thing called jealousy.

its a crazy feeling.

it turns your very core against all thats in its way.

it feeds off every nubile emotion in you.

its an avalanche of unspoken sins.

we just dont talk about it.

but it doesnt mean we dont feel it.

my mind is telling me to fight it off.

stop it before it consumes you

another part of me is questioning if i really want to.

paranoia.

do you enjoy having tuna in a can for dinner? doesn't that sentence itself overflows with awesome fishy goodness?

you know how our ears and brain are connected?

i'll let you in on one secret;

i could disconnect mine.

don't ask me how.

i just can.

photographic evidence on me obtaining special powers.

im in a very distraught mood right now.

this crazy month-long hiatus is already taking its toll on me.

both physically and mentally.

you know how some people go crazy skinny when theyre stressed out.

well im a living evidence of something that defies the law of physics/stress.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

trust me when i say that if i had that kind of mas selamat power,

i would definitely use it to make it so much easier for you.

don't have to scream it in my ears.

using that kind of powers on you would be a simple gesture of thank you very much.

are you blinded by my awesomeness already? if not kindly touch your eyeballs to your screen.

chamomile tea

you said it

she.

perhaps it will be easier to just move on.

i should keep my brain back in its box now.

heart?

it'll now what to do from here.

it always does.

my pretty chameleon.

she and my face.

theatre.