how now brown cow? part 2

this rut has been going on since saturday night.

a quick recap of my saturday:

so there i was, finishing up my research for an essay which is due in week 7 and my mind kept going "YESSSS!!! done! and saturday night life here i come!".

after i got ready and everything, my friend called and canceled. after i put down the phone i was beyond frustrated. not because he had to cancel at such a last minute, but because i felt like "why God?!! why are you always doing this to me?!! had i been lazy?!! no! i had canceled my friday plans for a whole weekend of drinking and slacking just so that i could finish up on what i have to do! and now youre making this dude bail on me and i have to stay home on a saturday night?!!! WTF!!!"

i know being bailed on is nothing extraordinary. people get bailed on all the time right? even i do that to people at times. but its the thought of actually sacrificing a whole weekend just to do my assignments and compensating that with just ONE night of fun, i really felt like was that really so much that im asking for? if you knew me you would know that this is not me. i would never put work before outings. i would never put work before the chance of getting wasted. i would never put work before any effing thing.

that was when i started to rebel. rebel against all the effort that ive put in for the past 5 weeks. i just ate and slept and watched ridiculous amount of the simpsons and futurama. i felt like "you want me to live in a rut? then i'll make everything look and feel like a rut!"

just now when i woke up at 4pm, i just felt stupid. extremely pathetic. and absolutely immature. i felt like a kid throwing a stupid tantrum just because i couldnt watch the 6pm simpsons on starworld and had to help my mom with gardening instead.

was it worth throwing it all out just because i felt neglected by God? just because i felt like i "deserved" a night out after pouring so much effort into research just for one bloody essay?

was God really neglecting?

did i really deserve to be rewarded?

then i thought about that night when leeyi was staying with me in pj during our holidays. when i was telling her about constantly feeling as if my mom didnt care and the whole perth plan. thats when she slapped me and said "WTF! what do you mean your mom doesnt care?!! what about all those semesters youve been slacking off?!! what about all those effort that youve put into your work and then just fucked it up just because you thought your family issues were fucked up. ive never seen anyone so retarded as to do their work and not hand it in just because they thought it would teach everyone around them a lesson! WTF! have you ever thought about how lucky you are that your mom is still letting you continue despite all your fuck ups?!! have you ever thought about how much money your parents have wasted BECAUSE of your fuck ups?!! WTF! and now youre telling me that your mom doesnt care! you really damn fucking retarded lar!"

i have to admit that although we laughed about what she scolded me from time to time, im always mentally kicking myself for having been so ridiculously childish all these years. it was also those words that was part of the reason why im not screwing it up this time. but i have to remember that i wouldnt always have someone like leeyi to tell me this when i need to hear them.

at this time, for some reason it seems so difficult to find peace within myself. it comes quickly and it goes just as swift. ive tried ignoring it. reminding myself to focus on the bigger picture. that this is just a phase and like it is, this too shall pass. but it is as if another small part of me is telling me that im just being delirious. that im just lying to myself that im at peace. its as if the bag that holds the emotional turmoil is already bursting at its seams. ready to overflow anytime soon. it feels as if no matter how much i try, i just dont deserve any of this. its as if i cant escape from being that wandering soul. lost and confused.

so i tried something that i havent done in a pretty long time. i read the bible.

you know how when people tell you that the bible always has the answers? i dont know if i was just plain lucky or that it really was true, but this was what i found:

"What does a man get for all the toil and anxious

striving with which he labours under the sun?

All his days his work is pain and grief;

even at night his mind does not rest"

(Ecclesiastes 2:22-23)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.

I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your

hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"

(John 14:27)

then it got me to think, what was it that made me feel as if ive been neglected from this 'peace' that i was searching for? right now, being peaceful to me was if i could balance up both my uni life and social life; being able to cope up well with assignments and presentations and also being able to still have time to live healthily, sleep well, and hang out with my friends. it throws me off balance and makes me believe that im really living a one sided life when people says stuff like:

"karen youre such a nerd lar"

"karen you actually HAVE a library card?"

"youre such a nerd lar. why you go and do so many references? it only asked for three lar"

"you started damn early and youre STILL doing your research?"

"youre ALWAYS busy with your research and its so hard to hang out with you now"

"are you having a secret affair with the librarian uncle?"

this is the face thats having an affair with the librarian uncle

the last one was probably the best ive heard so far. i dont like seeing myself being affected by this kind of remarks. i dont like feeling as if im really that shallow minded and sensitive to be affected by this kind of remarks. and the worst is that i feel angry at God and ask why do i have to sacrifice my reputation by being called a nerd and always having to use the same excuse of having to do MORE research for every essay everytime my friends ask me out. im currently having a love/hate relationship with the new me. sometimes i dont even know if i would feel better if people dont ask me out altogether or if they actually want me to hang out with them. i really dont know.

perhaps this was what God meant when He said He doesnt give to me as what the world gives. i have to remind myself that i shouldnt hold on to earthly possesions too strongly. this will just push me away further from Him and His big plan.

"All men will hate you because of me, but he

who stands firm to the end will be saved"

(Matthew 10:22)

im not saying that im being hated to an extreme extend, but it feels that way at times. i guess this is what the loneliness of obedience is about.

dont worry people. im not depressed. im just writing it down here as a reflection of my past weeks. im fine now. maybe thats why curtin came up with this whole reflection thing. HAHHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!

ok need to go finalize my slides for tomorrows presentation now. wish me luck!

i hope all of you had a good week and if this post had helped you in the slightest way, im really happy for you. =)

ps: ahlai, you said i havent updated my facebook pictures for a long time already so heres a couple that i camwhored just for you.

pps: john, i know you like my pian tai face right? so the last one was specially dedicated to you.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

i am a chinese

勇往直前

je'taime mrs lai's cooking and bahau food

couple of weeks back, leeyi invited me over to her brothers wedding in her hometown. i know it sounds weird and all and how i was gonna turn up looking like a whole walking talking wedding crasher. hahahahahahha! i sort of had my doubts of having a great time and not feeling awkward but then that part of me who just wanted to dress up and meet up with leeyi after she left for perth and have nice food and mingle around with aunty-aunties kinda took over the part of feeling like a whole walking talking wedding crasher hahahahhaha wow this is a long sentence so heres a period.

but it was really fun! especially when i got to meet up with leeyi, leo and VICTOR after such a long time! but the part where it was the most enjoyable was probably where the three of us were walking around in our house clothes helping her parents with the preparation because as we all know only those who are really close with the wedding people get to walk around looking like crap and house clothes coz thats how we roll yo HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

in these three wonderful days, i was reminded of how truly blessed i was for having friends who still treats me like a million bucks eventhough im walking around damn confidently amongst all the dressed up relatives and aunty-aunties with my mr delicious tshirt with bite me on the back. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! like how we still love leo like a million bucks eventhough he looks absolutely ridiculous in some poor girls slippers with a huge ass lady bug on the straps and how we still love victor although he practically turned up (and stayed that way) wearing an XS singlet and board shorts and talking to little girls like a pedophile ("wow! youve got pretty big boobs for a 14 y/o girl) and wiping the chairs and working it like a lap dancer and reminding us every 2minutes about how hes gonna lap dance to all the uncle-uncles in front of their wives singing lady gaga's monster (he ate my ASS. he ate ate ate my ASS). yes despite all these we know we'll still love each other like a million bucks or even more like how we love a good bowl of hakka ham cha.

and let me tell you this people. lai lee yi's mother cooks the most amazing hakka ham cha and homemade kaya! its sooooo good that it deserves more than one 'o'! and the kaya is so good that i kept returning to the table for kaya! coz throughout the night i was just taking the kaya and eating them off the plate like how i would do to a bottle of peanut butter, and leeyi's popo saw me taking the kaya and she told me to take more of the dumplings that were supposed to go with the kaya and i just pointed at the otak-otak (which were also wrapped like the dumplings) on my plate and said "oo ok yea there! ive taken them already" and sheepishly walked back to our table hurhurhur.. i cant stop talking about mrs. lai's cooking lar. i just came back to pj in less than a day and im already missing it. T___T

leeyi really is the luckiest girl to have such a great family! eh im not patronizing ok! its true! her sisters are memang damn sporting! thank you miss lai for bringing me for supper after the wedding dinner and scrouging around the kitchen for snacks when i kept saying that im still hungry hurhurhur. i really cant help it that my stomach is a bottomless pit. she even took out a packet of bak gua (pork jerky) and told me to makan and dont have to shy shy and i thanked her by saying so nice lar your kitchen because in december also still got bak gua. i know i sounded like a total pig but as you all should know, quaint little hometowns are memang kryptonite to my diet plans. fml.

and then this morning around 8something while we were waiting for 2nd miss lai to wake up and go back to pj together, leeyi's dad asked us if we wanted to have milo or anything and i said its ok lar uncle. maybe later. its not because i was shy but because i needed my regular dose of caffeine and savoury malaysian-style breakfast. im not a milo-drink-for-breakfast kinda girl. for goodness sake you look at my tummy then you sure can tell ady one lar but maybe leeyi's dad wasnt paying attention on my tummy so he couldnt tell what kind of breakfast person i was. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!! uncle lai im just kidding ok? 

see lar. i really miss bahau so much already.

thank you lai lee yi and your lovely (do people still use this word? HAHAHAHAHA) family. i really enjoyed myself immensely during my stay there. =)

1001 words to laughter.

that 3 seconds,

it reminded me of your silliness.

total randomness;

youre a donkey,

thats what you said everytime i laughed.

how long has that been?

your stupid comment always made me self-conscious. it never failed to make me wonder if i really sounded like a donkey. i remember trying to control myself. to force myself to laugh politely - ladylike, that's what they call it over here. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! i think it was even more disastrous! i had to force myself to unfunnysize everything that i felt was funny. and if you know me, EVERYTHING is funny to me. T___T well not everything exactly, but my brain always has a way to make it funny. i think this is the effect of being introduced to tony buzan before you enter primary one.

so where was i?

oh yeah. bout me trying to feminize my laughter. urm.. yea.. that didnt go so well. i think you saw that coming. so you told me to just go "i'd rather see you laughing like a donkey".

hahahahhaha.. i nearly forgot the point of this story. HAHAHAHAHHA... at your expense suckers!

so yea.. that day you told me that i laughed like a man because of my sore throat. well to be more precise, you actually said "can you at least TRY not to laugh while youre already sounding like a man".

so leeyi and victor, i know youre gonna miss my donkey laughter so much once youre gone. maybe leeyi will be glad that she got rid of what she deems as YALAR! YOU LAUGH UNTIL DAMN ANNOYING YOU KNOW OR NOT?!! im sure she'll secretly miss it when we're not geographically close anymore. hurhurhur.. and victor, i know you will miss this as much as i - everytime we end our loud and annoying laughter with WOOOHOOOOO!!! or sometimes WHEEEEEEHIUUWWWWWW!!!.

oh yea the point of this story is, we must laugh when we're at the airport! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! wtf.

project happyness

to sleep all day

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

to wake up and feel the sunshine on my face

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

with friends

we laugh and dance

jumping and reaching for our dreams

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

all i want is

to infinite this.

thank you (you know who you are)

thank you for all the memories.

maybe all of us are just the same - wolves without a tail.

this thing called jealousy.

its a crazy feeling.

it turns your very core against all thats in its way.

it feeds off every nubile emotion in you.

its an avalanche of unspoken sins.

we just dont talk about it.

but it doesnt mean we dont feel it.

my mind is telling me to fight it off.

stop it before it consumes you

another part of me is questioning if i really want to.

paranoia.

Suara Hati

i hope another random annoying bastard comes up to me and says, "karen, just listen to your heart". just so you know, theres someone on the same block who keeps telling me that everytime we meet up. HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!! imagine if i did that!

Block C resident: Come on Karen. Just listen to your heart.

Karen: Ok! *Beat beat beat*

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

lets disco dance!

my mind. how do i explain my mind? where do i even begin? i always thought that if i kept up with this mentality, i would go mental even sooner than i can say "eat your veggies son!"

so right now im in this position where the amphibian has understood its own abilities and limitations concerning the whole land and water issue. but then you somehow know that its impossible to be living in the water the whole time even though you could but not forever thats why youre a toad. *memories of katak kristal dashes in mind*

so anyway as i was saying. yea! you know yourself but at the same time its like.. you THINK you know.

right now im upset bout things and people mainly due to issues that has been on everyones mind. mine included. but then for the past two weeks, it has gone pretty out of hand to the point of just being plain annoying. things are not always black and white! things that we see are not always what they seem to be. ok maybe at times they do. but not all the time! wtf?!! so smart then go and do something with all that brain lar! dont come and psychoanalyse me eh sai boh? knn.

its memang damn geli when i feel the need to be all happy-happy-clappy-fatty-bom-bom. either that or just mampuskan myself and selit into that mindset and just feed on air and life. *punches fist into the air and screams "get high on life yeah!"* T___T memang damn geli lar! knn after what i heard the way i was being perceived was lagi geli! lagi knn x12398127387 times ok! you listen and see you dulan or not?!! and this reminds me of the time when uncle shane and aunty fay used to make fun on me with this stupid limerick "fei po fei tut tut. or si or mm chut." (fatty fatty girl. want to shit but kena constipation/sembelit). actually its quite funny lar when i think bout it now. hurhurhur..

what im saying is that at times im really tempted to drown myself in a certain image that im used to seeing in magazines and all that but then i know that i cant. not because its difficult lur ok. being a bulimic is damn easy ok. just that that was the destructive path that i had gone through for the past five years. it was satisfying and ego-boosting i may say. but then at the end of the day, you know that youre just killing yourself.

see! its damn therapeutic to write. i started of being damn pissed over such a small matter. and after bullshitting dunno how much words here its damn syiok lor. like makan kimchi kind of syiok. or even like online-stalking some random dude kinda syiok. no lar. not that i stalk ppl online lar ok. ok maybe theres this one guy. just one ok. and i didnt add him on msn or fb or whatever like what ali told me to ok! so im just a third degree stalker. hes got very chinese eyes btw. very chinese looking kinda cute. like that when he wants to eowh ---> -_- hurhurhur...

someone commented about how random and vague the posts are. its not because i have a mind that cant keep itself in one place at one time. well actually that is part of the case. but not entirely.

you dont expect me to lay myself bare like that to be picked upon by everyone do you? all due respect to those who take that road for whatever reasons youve chosen but then its just not for me because thats not how we roll. *raises canadian flag* but then i dont want to quit writing here just because im worried bout that. so the only way is to be as vague as possible. you have your own views and interpretation of it. no ones stopping you. so yea.

why still write online then if i dont want to allow others to know whats in my mind and would rather choose to confuse those reading here? well because i can. *walks off with heroic music playing and hair heroically blown by the wind and readers gasp in awe in my heroism*

classified

when you stand before that thin layer of silver,

please tell me what do you see?

were your yellow bricks neatly laid?

or were you wondering if those pigtails

a pathetic attempt to cuteness

were 17degrees askewed?

do you know why you never got the whole truth?

it wasnt because they wanted to protect you

it wasnt because they cared for you

it was pathetic

they knew you couldnt take all those words

see what a test-drive could do to you

it really wouldve been more fun

if you were quicker

more intelligent

more challenging

youre just another boring player

in your pretentious badges and uniforms

bravado?

i accepted you once

you really shouldnt have said that

that one word just did it

it was all it took

you said you didnt need friends

thats what you thought

what if i told you the poison

its working